5/6-DOFFL.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

5 – On Sunday Pastor Joe talked of Holiness and Pureness and it is possible. I think when I first encountered God, it was possible to me but I think the disappointments after failing to be righteous with God led me to disbelief to truly follow God.

Which then led me to another thought. If you lead the most holy and purest life according to God, are you even you? We sing that we are vessels to God’s spirit but is it to the point where it can called “pocessed”? I know these questions are not the easiest because it kinda makes Christianity scary, or to me at least sounds scary. “Denying oneself” and “being filled by God”. If you are completely fill with God, “are you even you?”

God is good. It’s not the right word to call it possession. God gives us choice and it’s a good thing to be like the perfect Father in Heaven no? Denying oneself isn’t denying who you are, it’s denying the things that you want that pulls you away from God. God gives us an out from all the holiness I’m sure but it’s through our love for him and his good spirit to move in us that we say Yes to Jesus and Yes to the spirit. God is good.

God. Thank You for allowing me to come to this truth about “denying oneself” it’s been a fear. That I won’t be me if I fully deny myself, but who I am is Your child. and it’s now more about accepting the love and title that I don’t deserve and all your glory that comes with it then denying the lies that made up the weak version of me. It will be good. When I am the most holiest and purest that you call me to be. It will be good. 

 

6 –  Proverbs 5:3-6

3 For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil,
4 but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to Sheol;
6 she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
(Very gender solo in the bible but I understand God speaks to man as in huMAN so it’s all good.)
buttttt I’m going to go and switch out the female to male so I can relate.
3 For the lips of a forbidden man drip honey,
and his speech is smoother than oil,
4 but in the end he is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 His feet go down to death;
his steps follow the path to Sheol;
6 he does not ponder the path of life;
his ways wander, and he does not know it.
I love this. Vs 3, we all have a guy in mind, makes your heart stutter and he’s just “sexy” to the core haha but vs 4-6, God speaks truth about his heart and actually turns me off.
I’ve pondered on sex before marriage and time and time again I say it’s okay if they really really love each other but… true love waits.
I was speaking to Min, Paster Eddie’s wife during a open seminar for ladies and I asked what to do in this era where 50% of marriages are failing and people are cheating left to right yet our hearts desires love and companionship. She said, “Marry a christian man.” Because at the end of the day or end of the fight, it’ll come down to your own individual beliefs and how can you feel the slightest bit “safe” when he doesn’t whole heartily follow the God of Love, forgiveness, and grace? And this verse really just reflects and adds to that. Do I want to marry or “get down” with a man who does not ponder the path of life? who’s ways wander and doesn’t even know it? Doesn’t even sound like a man to me.
God I’ll try. Lust is hard but I’ll try to hold close this truth that you’d want me to wait for the right guy. That I would wait for the right man that would give me the best possible God-glorifying relationship and family. So set my heart straight God to seek a man that knows your word. To chase after men like you, who desires a heart like you and that i would keep a clear head to remind myself time and time again that some men may have honey-like words and features but it comes from a lost core. Help me. In Jesus name. Amen. 

4-40DOFFL

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.”‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:26‬ ‭ESV

I read this and thought I need different versions because I want to be sure it means what I think it means.

“Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:26‬ ‭NIV‬‬


“Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:26‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Yesterday I think I complained that I might be pausing too much to keep questioning whether or not this is the right path. But here it’s saying think about where you’re stepping and wonder if the path that you are on is the right path and if it’s heading in the right direction. Maybe I was doing it wrong because I was doing it without God assistance but the right thing to do in this moment would be to pray while I ponder where my feet are going.

God, I’ve heard it time and time again that if I am following your well something will just feel right. And I don’t think I feel like this is the path you want me and working nine hours a day at a cubicle or maybe it’s just not the path that I will be on for the rest of my life. Sometimes I question if anything I’m doing will be right with your will so Lord I pray that when I am aligned with your well that I would feel “Right”. That I wouldn’t doubt what’s happening and that I would feel a lot of your joy in where I am and that I still keep you so close to my heart to remind myself that I wasn’t here because of my own doings but your grace. I pray for patience, I pray for a careful tongue, I pray for a heart that doesn’t question your goodness but celebrates your greatness and spend more moments in fellowship with you Jesus. I pray that feelings that I’m compromising who I am to follow you would it be replaced by the truth of who I really am, Who you designed me to be and to fully understand that it isn’t a compromised version of me but a full complete version of who I was meant to be and that there would be joy in that.  I think you for the job I have I thank you for the art gallery I visited today I thank you for your mind and heart that is desiring to be follow you and I pray for a continual protection over distractions and discouragement’s and that I’d be more aware in general that you are near, that your love is near and that your strength and happiness is with me as well, I pray all these things in your son’s precious name amen.

3-40 DOFFL.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Today, I came to certain thoughts in my head.

  • Verse of the day rang with me throughout the day.
    • Romans 12:12
       Rejoice in hope, 
      be patient in tribulation,
      be constant in prayer.

      It was so simple. Yet filled with so much encouragement, strength, and perseverance. Kept reading it.

  • Thoughts on how I didn’t follow the format of 1-40 for 2-40 in my previous blog posts.
    • yesterday was so weird, I felt off and not aligned and didn’t feel like going deeper in anger or love, digging into my secrets, and… healing is exhausting and I was so… not-in-the-mood to be exhausted.
  • “If I am fully living by God’s word, seeking God’s wisdom and glory in everything… will I have fun?”

LOL serious question. It’s really a thing that holds me back. I said “fricken” to a friend to extra emphasize my annoyances. And paused. “That’s not very God-like.” but restricting these words… will it transform me into a peaceful, not opinionated person? Will my personality be bland as rice? Basic?

It’s silly. I think of this with Jesus and “do you think I’m basic?” LOL no. you performed miracles. But I was thinking along the lines of sliding down a huge hill on your sled and laughing because of the thrill and excitement. But Jesus is the the type of excitement that overwhelms you to tears and I don’t know if I’m making any sense but do you get where I’m going?

I just don’t see a God that would make me scream whoo while living in his glory… like knowing and feeling God and his glory silences my heart in awe. I scream whoo when we celebrate in worship but…
I’m writing it out because I know I’m missing something in this flawed thought of mine. I know I can be proven wrong, I just don’t have the answer *sigh.

“What would Godly Doris advise reg. Doris in this situation?”…

Reg. Doris. “I don’t know…. I’m afraid that if I live a truly God led, God spoken, immersed life, that I won’t be able to laugh at the little things that people overpass as harmless but that I’ll be annoyed or concerned or “that’s not the right way” over thing.

G.Doris. “idk either but for the last part, if you are truly immersed in God’s spirit, because God knows when not to respond and because you’ll know and be settled that only God can judge and God is joy so you can also find joy and God is not a stiff board. He is great and big but he’s light and life. You are not going to feel like you’re missing anything because he will be everything and it’ll be good.

…

If only I had the time and space to do this whenever I have a problem.
I feel so at peace and happy and freed. For now. and I pray.

Father God. I’ve heard you laugh, I’ve felt you smile. I don’t know why I was so silly to think that your spirit restricted me from joy when you yourself are pure joy. Protect me these days to come. I can’t help but to have so many thoughts… will your word silence my anxiousness or doubt. Will it answer with peace and fire?

I was thinking today I may have made a mistake. that fasting during lent, the saying is to replace something that distracts you or hinders your relationship with God and replacing that time to pray and seek him. Fill your hunger for this worldly thing with His presence. And I was like… I don’t rely on Lies everyday. I don’t lie to myself day by day in a big way. But I realized that it may not look so big because there’s nothing to look at. Lying is intangible and I’m sure sometimes I do it without even realizing because I’ve been doing it and it’s become truth.

In a way me asking all these questions and lingering on my feelings is a distraction. Reflecting and trying to figure everything out when the answers are right there in the bible, in my prayers…
I don’t think God thinks my questions are silly, I think he’s happy I’m facing them now then later. Finding resolutions one by one. My fear is that even with knowing the resolution ex. “PRAY.” we just won’t do it. laziness I’m sure. Or desire to not resolve or be good. but that’s really not our own feelings.

Discernment. I pray for the gift of discernment. Being able to recognize what IS from you and what ISN’T from you. Not to linger on a thought and let it grow but to seek you, your word, your presence, your nearness. I wasn’t going to post today because I thought I would never stop with the asking and I tried bullet points but look where I am now. But so blessed by it. So I pray for more time of privacy with you than the times I spend “encouraging” either with friends or through wordpress. I pray for like mindedness. I pray for my health, my body, loving my body, treating my body as a temple, as YOUR temple and let it not be about what people think about first but just purely chasing after being with you. There’s always so much on my mind… I don’t know if that’s a gift or distraction but right now it’s feeling less like a gift and more like a burden. Why can’t I just simply seek you? emphasis on SIMPLY lol…
You are both simple and sophisticated and it’s okay for me to strive for both. 

*Going to pray now without typing everything out.
see you tomorrow WP.

2-40DOFFL.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Woke up feeling kinda off. Not wanting to spend my extra hour on QT, didn’t write my verse of the day at work… Morning was just not so Bueno. 

But good news, while doing drop offs with my boss, we walked by shake shack and the line was too long and on a whim I said outloud, let’s pray it gets shorter. And after saying I found faith to pray… Actually pray for the line to get shorter at shake shack… So minor but coming back, not 5 minutes later, the line was shorter! 

And after got to talk with my Boss, learn more about her. 

Thank You God. 

**** 

After dropping off in NYC, on our way home, we drove by a church and thought about my lent fast. Fasting lies… 

It’s not a physical thing to avoid. It’s more mental than telling yourself no to Netflix. Lies are almost an abstract concept or can be one and how does one avoid it when we can’t even lead ourselves to avoid tangible things like the dessert you shouldn’t have. 

Lol I know the answer. Jesus. Always Jesus. 

Jesus, no I don’t know if I can ever live a purely honest and lie-free life. Esp to myself. Help me to not lose hope to strive after it still.. 


40DoFFL. (check/review/todo list)

~ DL ~ Leave a comment
4May I protect this fire by seeking you day by day and listen to the songs you sing and dance around me with your love. My heart is yours and may it be so everyday.

Day 1.

Proverbs 3:27

Lie: “If they don’t love you back, why bother loving them?”
Truth: Love (God) has the power to see beyond “ugly” and the power to do so lives within you. God and Love lives within you.
Lie: “Eventually they’ll see that you’re a very loving person and like you.”
Truth:^sometimes maybe but Love because Jesus loved, when you were undeserving. It’s not about you. It’s about Jesus when he died and sharing that to others. Even when they don’t know. Trust in God’s timing. 

*Note to self* – focus on God’s love to progress forward. Not on not being loved by people but on being so so so loved by God.

 

Proverbs 3:31

Lie: “People who don’t care, don’t give a Foot, and “do what they want when they want” are cool.”
Truth: No. It’s actually not. It’s an easy task, ‘to talk’ and a stupid easy task to talk down on others.
James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
*note to self – read James 1:19 tomorrow. You need to heal and find truths on *Anger*
😦 – I don’t like Anger Doris but it’s a side of me that I cannot deny, it’s real and ugly. 
 
*note to self- (honesty is flowing out) Fearing that I over did today’s posts and fearing that I might not do because of time consumption. 
G – “it’s okay to be on fire for the first day, as long as candle is still lit end of 40 days”
 
*side note self – do not be too honest with friends, slow to speak remember? 🙂
be too honest with God. 

Day 2.

Jesus, no I don’t know if I can ever live a purely honest and lie-free life. Esp to myself. Help me to not lose hope to strive after it still.. 

 

 

Day 3.

Verse of the day rang with me throughout the day.

  • Romans 12:12
     Rejoice in hope,
    be patient in tribulation,
    be constant in prayer.    It was so simple. Yet filled with so much encouragement, strength, and perseverance. Kept reading it.

*****

It’s silly. I think of this with Jesus and “do you think I’m basic?” LOL no. you performed miracles. But I was thinking along the lines of sliding down a huge hill on your sled and laughing because of the thrill and excitement. But Jesus is the the type of excitement that overwhelms you to tears and I don’t know if I’m making any sense but do you get where I’m going?

G.Doris. “idk either but for the last part, if you are truly immersed in God’s spirit, because God knows when not to respond and because you’ll know and be settled that only God can judge and God is joy so you can also find joy and God is not a stiff board. He is great and big but he’s light and life. You are not going to feel like you’re missing anything because he will be everything and it’ll be good.

 

Day 4.

I pray for a heart that doesn’t question your goodness but celebrates your greatness and spend more moments in fellowship with you Jesus.

 

Day 5.

God is good. It’s not the right word to call it possession. God gives us choice and it’s a good thing to be like the perfect Father in Heaven no? Denying oneself isn’t denying who you are, it’s denying the things that you want that pulls you away from God. God gives us an out from all the holiness I’m sure but it’s through our love for him and his good spirit to move in us that we say Yes to Jesus and Yes to the spirit. God is good.

 

Day 6.

3 For the lips of a forbidden man drip honey,
and his speech is smoother than oil,
4 but in the end he is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 His feet go down to death;
his steps follow the path to Sheol;
6 he does not ponder the path of life;
his ways wander, and he does not know it.
Do I want to marry or “get down” with a man who does not ponder the path of life? who’s ways wander and doesn’t even know it? Doesn’t even sound like a man to me.

Day 7.

2 Thessalonians 3:5
May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. 

(This is me talking to myself)
“Doris, you can whine, b****, and moan, and complain about how you don’t get it, or you can fully take it in as a learning opportunity. And I think it reflects on how God’s plan for me doesn’t happen over night. It takes learning and perseverance and constant hard work, trying to focus and (work joke) “take ownership” of the things that I am learning and need to communicate.

 

Day 8.

Too busy, trying to catch up with work…
Failed in trying to “stay pure”… which led me to NOT write or look for or rely on God’s “verse of the day” moment. for day 3/9.
sigh. Temptation is always right behind you waiting for every possible weak spot.

 

Day 9.

like said in 8, did not seek God today. *Jesus help.

 

Day 10.

on friday (hindsight should have gone to NY for small group) but it felt so far.

 

Day 11.

Had Worship Night. 

(Vision I had)
When we accepted Christ, we accepted that we were not our own, that our hearts belonged to God and that our hearts were a home for his spirit to dwell. So no matter our far our hearts wander on the path of life, in our house is a home for God’s spirit, he actually has the deed to the house, and he always finds a way back home. And more importantly, we have a place in God’s heart, that he offers his home to us and all we have to say is yes. How beautiful is our home, comfort and security.

 

Day 12.

Sunday.

“You can come to church and cry every Sunday but if you are not changing and following through with obedience then you will keep falling.”

 

Day 13.

15 so now I have come out to meet you,
to seek you eagerly, and I have found you.
16 I have spread my couch with coverings,
colored linens from Egyptian linen;
17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh,
aloes, and cinnamon.
18 Come, let us take our fill of love till morning;
let us delight ourselves with love.
But sin and in this situation lust, comes in with sweet things to offer, WAITING for you to come around the corner, telling you that you just need to say yes, and everything will be prepared and set for this wonderful good smelling night of pleasure.
… We really don’t see it coming and when our hearts are weak, either with insecurity, or doubt, or laziness, or fear, we give in because “TEMPTATION” is SO READY. SO PREPARED. That’s actually so scary. So even when all things seem good, or alright or fine, brothers and sister, I pray that you’d be cautious because we live in a not so perfect world. But have hope because we have a everyway perfect God on our side.

Day 14.

Jesus. I pray for not only for desire of knowledge and your word but for my willingness to love you and spend time with you. REALLY RELY on you knowing my day blessed with your spirit is so much better than assuming “today will go okay (without God or praying)”. Let me want to share my time with you. 

Day 15.

Proverbs 8:12 *snap snap snap*
12 If you are wise, you are wise for yourself;
if you scoff, you alone will bear it.

Let us use our wisdom to not lift ourselves higher but to lift others higher and for our sole desires to get to know our Father, Savior, and King.

Proverbs 8:17
17 “Stolen water is sweet,
and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
Father God, I dispel any feeling that working in secrecy from you or from my friends will give me the thrill and excitement I long for. Excitement and thrill is seeing your glory work in tough situation, when it heals shattered brokenness, when you call me your daughter and when I find freedom in the love that you give from the fears of this world. Father God, let water be gracefully given and replenished by you. Let bread be broken and eaten in your fellowship. Let spending time with you save me in times of boredom and draw me close to sing you praise. King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen.
day 16.

1-40D0FFL

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(DAY 1.40 Days of Fasting from Lies).

 

Proverbs 3:27
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.

Father God, I got hurt because I loved and loved, gave people second chances, had faith in the good in them and stopped because I felt like they still treated me like crap. I guess it came around to my selfishness of wanting, entitled to getting love in return from them. “I gave you this but you didn’t give me that” idea and God you don’t work that way. Your love invites the worst people LOL including myself but seeing people at church sometimes messes me up and makes me wonder about their faith, how they could behave such a way if they’re “striving after you”. I’m a hypocrite to that entire sentence. Lord help me to freely love them not because I want love or recognition in return for the things I do and the way I act but truly because YOU love me freely beyond my “ugly”, “dirty”, and unfaithfulness. That is some POWER to love like you do… please lend me some haha. Really though, remind me of how you love and free me from seeking self glory through the way I act and speak. Let it not be about how nice I was but how you gave me the power to do good and love on everyone. I pray over the power to say hello to _____ and _____.  
Lie: “If they don’t love you back, why bother loving them?”
Truth: Love (God) has the power to see beyond “ugly” and the power to do so lives within you. God and Love lives within you.
Lie: “Eventually they’ll see that you’re a very loving person and like you.”
Truth:^sometimes maybe but Love because Jesus loved, when you were undeserving. It’s not about you. It’s about Jesus when he died and sharing that to others. Even when they don’t know. Trust in God’s timing. 

*Note to self* – focus on God’s love to progress forward. Not on not being loved by people but on being so so so loved by God.

Proverbs 3:31
Do not envy a man of violence
and do not choose any of his ways,
Do you ever get those feelings where you think, wish I wasn’t christian so I can get angry and act on my feelings instead of trying to cover it with God’s love. WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON?!

Violence comes in many ways; words, action, and I think you can also be violent by thinking of violent thoughts even if you don’t say a word or do anything physically… #violentthoughts. Violent Thoughts are the worst because it manifests and it stirs inside you like a bomb with no where to do and no way to blow off steam and please tell me you get what I mean. Unless you’re super mellow. Good for you.

I used to get off on anger. *sigh.. rolls eyes* Fine. I still do. (#CHASINGAFTERHONESTY!) Watching videos of street/school fights and Bad Girls Club where they yell rambunctiously at one other saying they’re “TOP S**T” and the other girl is a “F***** W****” I mean. DANG. Cursing is violent speech amirite? My hearts already pumping with adrenaline just typing all those stars!

And going back to what I said about “guilty” about being Christian, happens whenever I feel like I can’t let myself “loose” or “angry” or “slip violent words” because it’s un-Godly. But like Heaven-cake (in replacement of Hell) I know that violence manifests like a wicked wild fire and even when I justify to scream to release some pressure, I just end up shaken vocal chords and more desire to take action for my feelings.
Father God, one thing I desire and find pride in is “saying what I want, when I want.” and just want to ask because it came up, can give up saying what I want, and when I want without feeling like I’m compromising my right as a person with feelings and a right to scream? “Screaming, cussing, saying whatever you want is easy.” Pastor Ulysses once said. “It’s holding your tongue that’s harder, even when you know you’re right.”  My heart, doesn’t want to change, I want to stay me but… remind me that I’m not my own. For me to be ready when you call me to serve, I would want to be free from my old self holding back me from being your child. So God, I pray with a heavy heart (which you know), help me to let go of my old self, my pride in old Doris who used to say what she wants when she wants. Letting go of the fake idea of power when I curse or throw a fit. Sounds cheesy but let your power of love overthrow the power of violence and ease my heart knowing you are a Just God. I will probably need more prayer on this. Bring me back. In Jesus name, Amen.
Lie: “People who don’t care, don’t give a Foot, and “do what they want when they want” are cool.”
Truth: No. It’s actually not. It’s an easy task, ‘to talk’ and a stupid easy task to talk down on others.
James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

*note to self – read James 1:19 tomorrow. You need to heal and find truths on *Anger*

😦 – I don’t like Anger Doris but it’s a side of me that I cannot deny, it’s real and ugly.
*note to self- (honesty is flowing out) Fearing that I over did today’s posts and fearing that I might not do because of time consumption.
G – “it’s okay to be on fire for the first day, as long as candle is still lit end of 40 days”
*side note self – do not be too honest with friends, slow to speak remember? 🙂
be too honest with God.

40 DAYS FASTING FROM LIES.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It is what the title says. Pre-lent season, I had a talk with a good friend of mine and it made me realize how not only did I fall away from loving myself but that the reason for my failures to keep loving myself is that my life has been built on lies. #selfdemotions lol but also #selfhonesty yay? slow clap. *clap… *clap… *clap…

“Being honest and admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing that problem.” – says some cliche proverb.

My problem? – falling short in faith.

And since I was baptized 4 years ago and fully accepted my life was not my own, being reborn into a new life, eternal life, it has been A ROLLER. COASTER. Don’t get me wrong it’s been an amazing, love filled, undeservingly full of grace- 4 years. But I’ve cycled through falling out, not caring, forgetting, disobeying, doubting, hating on my faith time and time again and my recent 4 months have been a struggle to even try and pray because I was just SO tired of trying and falling.

BUT NO MORE! I know 40 days is not enough time but I will dedicate each day to try and a dispel a lie that I live on and pray for God’s grace, truth, and wisdom to cover each.

PLS PRAY 4 MEH.

Jesus. Lol and not God. Just kidding. but Jesus. I want to be a faithful servant because what 4 years of loving you and 23 years of you loving me has taught me is that, there is no greater joy, satisfaction, and peace than living for your kingdom. But #struggles *sigh. #distractions and #people and #peoplewiththings and #peoplethatareliked and I can literally complain forever. *sigh. … but you can literally listen forever and I just want to love on that. Who you are and how you do you is indescribably amazing so I thank you for bringing this moment and this thought to work against the things that are holding me from being max-potential-Doris.

I have no idea what to expect and fear that after these 40 days I’ll fall way as far into doubt, so I fearfully pray for my faith. I pray for our relationship, to be strong and beautiful, that I’d strive for you like I’ve never strived before and to forever guard my foundations in you, to build your kingdom through you, and forever find freedom in your name. Let people call me foolish and let me forever sing praises because this love is like no other and “I’ve tasted and seen.” Tie me close to your heart, your path for me, and forever lift your name high. JESUS.

May I protect this fire by seeking you day by day and listen to the songs you sing and dance around me with your love. My heart is yours and may it be so everyday. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

****

lol so I definitely had the intentions to pray for wisdom and truth over these 40 days but … idk haha I couldn’t get off the love wagon. I’m so excited. I pray for this much excitement for the days… 40 DAYS. to come. 🙂

So actually… started writing out “DAY 1” and realized I just went further into why I started this “Fasting from Lies”
I present to you- the ORIGIN OF 40DOFFL.)

So the origin of this idea started from reading (You Version) Verse of the Day 2 days ago.

1 Corinthians 14:4
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

I read this and said. *wow. I am not patient, not kind. I envy and boast. I am arrogant and rude. I really insist on my way and I am irritable and resentful.

OUCH. BUT HURTS MORE BECAUSE IT’S TRUE. *sigh nasty facts coming out. 
That sentence, I never want to say out loud in front of my friends, because nobody wants to show their ugly side. But the truth is, I’m super insecure and it all leads to me being a very selfish friend and I apologize friends, I had no idea (that my insecurities was dictating the way I perceive myself and others).

I’m actually quite unaware of how I act because I’m so used to speaking whats on my mind, how I feel, chasing the “freedom to be me” and expressing… and it’s a good thing at times but it leads to less thought about what I say and ‘why I say’ than the average cultured human being. And because of this speed cycle of my heart to mouth, it skips past the brain and sometimes, I’m just no good.

So my quest these 40 days is more to chase after honesty, by naming my insecurities and covering it with God’s truth… somehow. *Jesus. Lead the Way!* But really. I have no idea how the next 39 days will play out.

…
Now that I think about it more… it’s more “40 Days of Chasing After Honesty and Healing to Love Myself through God’s Love Over me.” 40DCAH&HLMGLOM.

haha. anywhooo…
yeah but for reals 40 days of not lying to myself, not avoiding my flaws and fears, and really hoping for a loving myself and loving God through all of this.

– DB

Proverbs 1.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(Yesterday, Sunday, I read a verse from Proverbs 3 and got me wanting to read the chapter. Also I did some reflecting on the past week and didn’t spend enough quality time with God and with his word… it’s been a while in general so back on that QT track hopefully.)

 

Proverbs 1. talks of wisdom, that fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (v.7) and two things; not having sinner entice you and the call of wisdom.

To me I think the call of wisdom stuck out to me more.

Proverbs 1:20-22
Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the markets she raises her voice; at the head of the noisy streets she cries out; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks: ” How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?

I love this comparison. I’ve been to an asian street market before when I visited Korea and all of them are screaming for people’s attention, about how their fish is the freshest, their meat is the tastiest and the all are calling out for potential customers. If you are not interested in buying specifically fish, it’s easy to just turn a blind eye and walk past them, no matter how hard they may try to call out to you.

I think in the same way, “knowing” God and his words is like trying to hear him say, “you are loved and saved!” beyond the noises of the streets that say, “buy this and that, that other person also has this and that” or “live for yourself! YOLO amirite?” We constantly are distracted by voices and visuals that lead us away from Christ.

It’s funny how it says “simple ones” and I was first thinking “simple lifestyle” and was like “what’s wrong with that?”. I later realized it means “simple minded” but to me they meshed into one this past month. I was trying to live a simple lifestyle with less to think about, but instead I became simple minded filtering out the importance of spending time with God out of my daily routines. *smh at myself*

 

Father God, help me to actually chase after your friendship once more. I was singing yesterday “I am friend of God” and it seemed so foreign. I pushed you to the security of father, who always loved and took advantage of your grace but as friends, I’ve failed. Help me to desire you as I’d expect a friend would for me. And I pray that as I continue reading your word, faith and courage would rise to trust you more and to re-live in your glory and kingdom. In Jesus name, Amen. 

 

Post Retreat.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m surrounded by white walls.

****

“I DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING.
I DON’T FEEL LIKE PRAYING,
I DON’T FEEL LIKE SINGING,
OR TRYING,

I’M TIRED.” – I pouted.

 

I could sense the spiritual battle. “Satan” or whatever anti-God spirit was winning – He had me at 50%.

And I was okay with letting him win.

I was doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. annoyed. and didn’t give a **** about how I wanted to treat people anymore. I wanted to just be me and not think about how “good” I’m being.

And while I thought of this in my head… I realized… he wanted me to feel doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. 

I was hurt and lost so I built up walls to protect myself, strand myself away from others. but unknowingly started to do it alone, without God and the walls I built surrounding me were black.

God said. Okay. You don’t have to pray. or sing. or do anything. 

I wanted to sit alone but not in anger but not out in the open. (Usually you ask to “break these chains,” or “break down these walls,” but I wanted to still be alone, protected, resting, and still not doing anything.

50/50 with letting go of one side, at peace with picking either.

On a whim, I asked. “could you make these walls yours?” And slowly I felt a melting sensation. This hexagonal room began to melt the black away leaving me sitting in a room with white walls.

Still alone.
But from above, shone sunlight and I was resting in the protection and light of God. He wasn’t besides me but above me waiting for me to be ready to have company, still protected by his love.

No, not a lot has changed. I still feel hurt and I still feel like being alone but whenever I do encounter others, I’m surrounded by white walls, knowing God is protecting me, encouraging healthy interactions, and strength to be me.

Jan. 2. 2017

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I am on fire. I even had a dream about getting a job and not settling for less than I deserve. I wrote out emails, contacted friends, I feel like I can conquer the world. But before I go on and about my day with job searching, portfolio research, and yearly goal-making, I want to give thanks to God because I know for sure that this is all Him.

God I thank you for day 2 of 2017. I am on fire. hahah like I’ve said before and I feel so alive, alert, ready, focused, and I don’t feel like laying around, wasting my time. But God, can this feeling not be temporary? (all things of this world are temporary) but can this motivation be a part of who I am… Is it already a part of who I am? (you’ve already answered?) Well if it is, please protect it. Help me to protect this heart of mine that wants to work hard for your glory. God you have made me into this person that learned how to take care of herself. You taught me how to be aware, wise, and focused, You gave me direction, You gave me hope. You gave me fire. So all glory to your name for this day and this year to come and this life to live. You are good and I love you God. In Jesus name, Amen.