Today, I came to certain thoughts in my head.

• Verse of the day rang with me throughout the day.
  • Romans 12:12
     Rejoice in hope, 
    be patient in tribulation,
    be constant in prayer.

    It was so simple. Yet filled with so much encouragement, strength, and perseverance. Kept reading it.

• Thoughts on how I didn’t follow the format of 1-40 for 2-40 in my previous blog posts.
  • yesterday was so weird, I felt off and not aligned and didn’t feel like going deeper in anger or love, digging into my secrets, and… healing is exhausting and I was so… not-in-the-mood to be exhausted.

• “If I am fully living by God’s word, seeking God’s wisdom and glory in everything… will I have fun?”

LOL serious question. It’s really a thing that holds me back. I said “fricken” to a friend to extra emphasize my annoyances. And paused. “That’s not very God-like.” but restricting these words… will it transform me into a peaceful, not opinionated person? Will my personality be bland as rice? Basic?

It’s silly. I think of this with Jesus and “do you think I’m basic?” LOL no. you performed miracles. But I was thinking along the lines of sliding down a huge hill on your sled and laughing because of the thrill and excitement. But Jesus is the the type of excitement that overwhelms you to tears and I don’t know if I’m making any sense but do you get where I’m going?

I just don’t see a God that would make me scream whoo while living in his glory… like knowing and feeling God and his glory silences my heart in awe. I scream whoo when we celebrate in worship but…
I’m writing it out because I know I’m missing something in this flawed thought of mine. I know I can be proven wrong, I just don’t have the answer *sigh.

“What would Godly Doris advise reg. Doris in this situation?”…

Reg. Doris. “I don’t know…. I’m afraid that if I live a truly God led, God spoken, immersed life, that I won’t be able to laugh at the little things that people overpass as harmless but that I’ll be annoyed or concerned or “that’s not the right way” over thing.

G.Doris. “idk either but for the last part, if you are truly immersed in God’s spirit, because God knows when not to respond and because you’ll know and be settled that only God can judge and God is joy so you can also find joy and God is not a stiff board. He is great and big but he’s light and life. You are not going to feel like you’re missing anything because he will be everything and it’ll be good.

…

If only I had the time and space to do this whenever I have a problem.
I feel so at peace and happy and freed. For now. and I pray.

Father God. I’ve heard you laugh, I’ve felt you smile. I don’t know why I was so silly to think that your spirit restricted me from joy when you yourself are pure joy. Protect me these days to come. I can’t help but to have so many thoughts… will your word silence my anxiousness or doubt. Will it answer with peace and fire?

I was thinking today I may have made a mistake. that fasting during lent, the saying is to replace something that distracts you or hinders your relationship with God and replacing that time to pray and seek him. Fill your hunger for this worldly thing with His presence. And I was like… I don’t rely on Lies everyday. I don’t lie to myself day by day in a big way. But I realized that it may not look so big because there’s nothing to look at. Lying is intangible and I’m sure sometimes I do it without even realizing because I’ve been doing it and it’s become truth.

In a way me asking all these questions and lingering on my feelings is a distraction. Reflecting and trying to figure everything out when the answers are right there in the bible, in my prayers…
I don’t think God thinks my questions are silly, I think he’s happy I’m facing them now then later. Finding resolutions one by one. My fear is that even with knowing the resolution ex. “PRAY.” we just won’t do it. laziness I’m sure. Or desire to not resolve or be good. but that’s really not our own feelings.

Discernment. I pray for the gift of discernment. Being able to recognize what IS from you and what ISN’T from you. Not to linger on a thought and let it grow but to seek you, your word, your presence, your nearness. I wasn’t going to post today because I thought I would never stop with the asking and I tried bullet points but look where I am now. But so blessed by it. So I pray for more time of privacy with you than the times I spend “encouraging” either with friends or through wordpress. I pray for like mindedness. I pray for my health, my body, loving my body, treating my body as a temple, as YOUR temple and let it not be about what people think about first but just purely chasing after being with you. There’s always so much on my mind… I don’t know if that’s a gift or distraction but right now it’s feeling less like a gift and more like a burden. Why can’t I just simply seek you? emphasis on SIMPLY lol…
You are both simple and sophisticated and it’s okay for me to strive for both. 

*Going to pray now without typing everything out.
see you tomorrow WP.