I was driving home back from NY Sunday night and my arrival time to home was 4:55pm, and I really thought I could make it but I couldn’t hold in my pee any longer and I had to stop somewhere. I stopped at a Barnes & Nobles and after I “relieved” myself, I became really attracted to the sign ‘Art’ and all the colorful books under it. So I unconsciously started walking around as if I had planned to come (and it wasn’t because I was planning on going home and painting for the first time in forever). I began to indulge myself in Art and my desires, my foundation for my career choice, and tried to find inspiration in what to paint. I looked to the right of the shelf and surprise, surprise, Fashion Books. My heart sank and started to feel the little voice in my head guilting me of all the time and money spent the past four year to not have yet obtained a job in design. As I further looked into the Art books in my hand I started to feel sad. I felt somehow caged and obliged to pursue fashion for the rest of myself, as if I had signed my life away in blood to this industry, and sad because I had lost touch with what I loved the most which was creating in whatever freedom that my heart desired without searching for the approval (and grade) from others. I sat and journaled as I read away on Impressionism and Modern Art as well as Starting a career in fashion and other things to get my mind pumping.

After much alone time sitting and reflecting on the floor as people walked by, I came to a conclusion: I lack clarity in my style of living and in my voice of who I am. Introverted me would have chosen fine arts but I re-found the sense of challenge in fashion design, as I did my sophomore yr in college struggling through a foreign land beyond paints, pencils, and brushing into a world of fabrics, sewing, and concept development all contained in a well thought presentation with a personal aesthetic.

So I bought I book (that I have yet to read from work and all) about style, finding out who you are, how to love yourself and it sounds cheesy but I don’t love myself enough. I don’t have as much confident in the gray areas of my life and I really want to make all parts of me to good use.

Now the reason I’m writing all this is because finding myself is tricky land. It comes with a lot of “how you present yourself” and sets back on the thought of how God loves you rather than how people love you. So I really want for this journey of discovering my aesthetic with God together. I know that God loves me and finds me already worthy despite all my shame, and I don’t want this “loving myself” to come from other things that I surround myself with because I treat myself nice. I need to always come back to the ‘OG’ love that God is and remind myself that I can love myself the way I do because God can source me with that powerful love.

So if you are reading this right now, I would appreciate a little prayer over this phase that may or may not change me while I discover myself and how to make good use of my time (hopefully glorifying God and not me) but also motivating myself to get on with life already and stop being lazy because God loves me. I have the gifts, I just need the character and opportunity to use them and sitting home all day on Netflix won’t do anything so here I go.

Father God, I find myself on stammering waters where things are started to fog up but God help me to focus on your voice. Let me hear not from the books or from myself but from you. I’m sorry if I offend you by desiring more from myself but I hope you would reveal the truth of this matter. To be not of this world yet be the best I can be while I’m here (for you). In Jesus name. Amen