Why do I, or rather, why am I consumed by the idea hope that I will run into someone I know?
Yes, it’s a group of four, five specific people. It’s never my closest friends, or people I would happily say hello to, but rather the people I am no longer in talking relations with. I go into this 3rd person perspective and my facial muscles, my steps alter as I imagine they’re standing in the corner behind me or across the street right past my peripheral vision. I position myself in a scenario where I walk past them with either an expression of bliss or peace… confidence? (depending on that person). BUT WHY.

Perhaps I wish to convey a visual image of me doing “so well” or communicate “you missed out on awesomeness by rejecting me and by deciding I no longer bring value or joy in your life.” BUT WHY.

What is rooted so deep in me that I cannot just focus on my walking life? Why can’t I be more self-centered in these moments and not give a hoot about how I am perceived or could be perceived. Do I feel unsafe in crowded streets or cafes to be seen and perceived as doing “as they expected”… unchanged. The same broken person they once knew further affirming their decision for ending the thing that was once called us? Or is it just performance? To be percieved as evolved, more wiser, more full of grace than ever not to just them but to everyone I feel do not know me.

Unseen. Misunderstood. Nothing hurts more than revealing yourself and feeling unknown by the very people you spent time with. I once said I’d rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t truly know and understand my heart, mind, and soul.

Church community becomes more difficult by the year for the years add up but it’s impossible to gather the knowledge and understanding of every single person. And reverse applying that to myself, how do I present myself that is digestible for next brother or sister walking past me in the lobby of our church without being shallow.

“God’s perception of me is all that matters” but then why are we told to connect and experience the glory of God in one another?

Can there be that much abundance of grace for the person sitting next to me and for myself. Can I fully submit to the beauty of mystery and honor ones internal digestion of what’s perceived?

You just want to be liked by everyone. but why? I sink into my seat defeated unable to see intothe vast darkness that is my past and soul. Lord help me to unveil. You brought me here to break this chain of thought and feeling. What euphoria do I search for that is not in you. What hole am I filling? And how was this hole made in the first place? Lord I pray for you to meet me right now.

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Is my love not enough for you? Do you not trust the love I pour to you day after day. You are well loved. You are lovely. You are worthy of love. Everyone who is passionate for connection and glory in one another has this hole and so you are not alone. One day, when we meet you will not remember the days you put on the posture and performance. You will stand exuding your heart’s joy and light. You will just ‘be’. I break this chain. Eyes and heart and mind on me.

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If God takes our brokenness and redeems them to victory, then he can take the skewed, misjudged thoughts and perceptions of others, and myself and use them for his glory.

Lord, I am in awe that you can even claim victory over passing thoughts and judgements. Fleeting wisps of destruction, Lord, none goes past you and you grip the gaseous air by the neck and say be gone. God I trust in your working spirit in those around me and those no longer around me. I pray for deep grieving and surrendering of people who tie me to my flesh and look only towards your spirit. May my lungs ring victory and may the enemy quake in fear for there is no stakehold on walking thoughts. May your protect the stream of my subconscious and may your glory reign. I may not be done yet but until I hold my sword and shield again, you are near and I am loved. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

– think grapefruit and thank God.