prayer

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

Galatians 6 / Ephesians 1

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I decided at the end of my semester that I would serve in the college ministry again although I would have been a graduate. I knew that post-grad life would be a difficult time for someone like me who likes to explore and try many new things. With all this free time knowing that I won’t be attending school (as of now) anymore, I was bound to get distracted and even lose the importance of why I decided to grow in my faith. Thankfully, I have somewhat came back from drifting a far and truthfully have an eager heart to grow with God once more.
Entering (as our church calls it) Apprenticeship the second year around, I feel different than I did last year. I feel calmer and less hyped but just peaceful in the fact that I know that God will do wonders if we let him lead us, but I know for him to lead us, we need to have a spirit filled vessel. Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. reminds me that during this process and serving, I too need to keep an eye on myself and not be tempted. I think too much serving can also lead to distraction from the actual relationship with God. A friend once said that she confused love for God as serving; that by serving she thought she was showing love for God but disregarded the intimacy with him in prayer with her heart and His presence. I hope to enter this serve this year securely in God’s faith so that I may be able to serve my brothers and sisters and encourage them to walk in God’s truth.

Ephesians 1:13
In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit,

Father God, let me be able to be so secure in who you are and what you have done for me. Let me be able to walk in your Spirit and follow where you lead. Let me not be afraid of rejection or fear and walk in your light and truth. Father, I want to be more like you, prepare my heart to see the way you do. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Being filled in Prayer

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday, for our college ministry’s last summer thursday fellowship, I felt something amazing.
So first off, to be honest, I had not Prayed with the intention of praying for a while before thursday and when we finished discussion, we went into prayer and something just hit me.
POOF!
It was like a bridge was reconnected to me and I was reconnected to God and everything glorious that came with him, and all in an instant I felt this sudden soft explosion of every cell in my body being filled with gold dust. Right then, I felt complete and full, satisfied and felt God excited, “This is what is it to be in prayer!”
All my insecurities vanished and my heart was filled with so much Joy. I was worthy of everything that God had to offered me and the feeling of completion was ravishing.

Lord, I lift this prayer up to you, thanking you for sending your son to die for us so that we may be able to be so easily filled with your life with something so simple yet precious as a prayer through faith. God there are no words to describe the vast amount of spirit that you fill us with but Lord may I enter into prayer knowing that your breath brings us to completion. Thankyou for being excited for us and exciting us to speak with you more. I love you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Sin “Cavity”

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m sure many has had this image before or heard of the metaphor to ‘rid of the cavity’. But I’ll just share.
So this past week, not exactly sure when, (past Sunday?) I had this vision of a tooth and it was centered with a deep cavity and this cavity was our sin. But God came and made it new, cleaned out the cavity and it was now a clean hole in the tooth but instead of filling it with Filling, worldly possessions (“trash”) was filling up the hole.
It had me questioning my heart, “am I currently doing this? Filling this space that God cleaned out with my things?”

Father, I pray that I would have a heart so willing for you to fill me with your Love, Glory, and Purity. I know that if I fill it with my own things, I will feel pain again so God help me not to be tempted and let me focus on your spirit and love. In Jesus name, Amen.

Galatians 5 – Freedom in Christ

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Wow, has this chapter just hit all the points for me.

v1. For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
v16. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. v17. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

I’m greatly attracted to all things “Freedom”, and  I thought being Christian was following rules that didn’t allow you to rebel and do what you felt like doing. But this past year I realized that through Christ, true freedom was offered; freedom from fears and even death and it was the greatest feeling of all.
Being back in New Jersey, I’m experiencing a lot of “freedom”. I’m doing what I want, seeing friends whenever, doing what I’d like whenever I’d like, and breathing in a relaxed day by day life under the roof of my parents. After a while, life doesn’t seem so bad, without Christ, but verse 1 reminds me again that this pattern and thoughts of “freedom” are all what the world calls freedom. I’m surrounded by so much relaxation that I don’t feel the stress of the world, that there is no need for a greater power. I always come back to the question, “Why am I Christian?” Then following, “why are you trying to hard to read and love and keep this relationship with Him? Why don’t you just do what you want and go back to being Christian later?” And I sometimes chuckle at how silly that question sounds.
I know that on my own, yea, maybe I’ll be able to do what I want, say what I want, think and feel what I want and just live life to bring myself high and try to leave something of worth on this earth for generations to see me as one of the Greats next to Presley, Hepburn, or Picasso. But I know with God, I’m living for a greater purpose, God’s Kingdom and my name in His kingdom. I’m living free from what the world tells me how I should act like or look like but as a perfect, worthy child of God. I know that I’ll fail time and time again and the world that surrounds me will fail me but I’ll have someone who will never fail with his Love, Grace, and Promise. And I think of how much Greater He is, chuckle, and shake my head at myself for thinking of being a slave to the world once more.

Father God, How precious is your love for me. How loved are we for you to keep loving us even though we seem to fail you just because you know you can use us to do great things in your name for your name. God let me not be tempted to this world, let me not listen the voices but listen to your most reassuring voice that speaks to me with such kindness. God I ask once again for you to check my heart and send a shaking to get rid of anything that distracts me from your Kingdom. God, your breath is the ultimate freedom, in your light we’re able to do wonders so Lord I pray, let me be attracted to your heart. I want to know you more, I want to seek you everyday and be more aware of your presence. Remind me time and time again that you provide the best for me, so help me take up my cross to follow you. In Jesus name, Amen.

This world has nothing for me, I will follow you ~
// Your love has ravished my heart, so pull me a little closer~

Dusty Rock Tower

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So one thing I held onto since I was little was Fame.
I wanted to be a famous violinist, then a famous singer, famous actor, famous fashion designer, and even in small places like my christian community, I wanted fame. I wanted people to see me and say, “there goes Doris, so cool with life and God.” So when I realized on my way back from OTR (explained in Post-OTR) that I wanted all Glory, even God’s Glory to go to me, I ended up basking in shame. How could I use God like that.

This past Sunday service (which was also TRPC’s 20th Anniversary whoo! praise the lord!) one of the encouragements was that God will shake the heaven and earth to clean off that are not part of His Kingdom; everything that’s not, will crumble. And I guess this encouragement kinda spoke to me in a different way.
During Worship I saw this tower made out of fuzzy, gray, dust-like stone and God shook it and in the center was one rock, colorful, filled with God’s spirit. I just kept shaking my hands asking God to shake off those dusty gray rock, that he would rid of all things that were not for his Glory and that every rock that would make up who I am be colorful and filled with his spirit so that the tower may rise with and for his Glory.

God, I pray for every person in my church, for my brothers and sisters all over the world, and for me, that you would send a shaking, so that we may be able to see what we’re building our towers with. May we realized and be able to see that only your rock filled with your spirit will stand, be made strong, and will be filled with Glory. That we may realize our tower is not our own and can only last with your Power. My everlasting God, let us not seek after temporary things but your eternal love and glory. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever (Matthew 6:13). Amen.

Social Media and God

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So here’s my opinion, or the way I think when it comes to social media and God.

I see a lot of people sharing the Gospel, quoting the Bible, and really loving God through social media and its not being ashamed but I guess I’m just not like that because I can’t. Maybe it’s because until recently social media was used to Glorify me, my name. I mean Instagram, Twitter – FOLLOW ME and you don’t even care if you don’t know the person, it’s just about the numbers of how others sees your page. And even FB now has so many friends that you wanted to keep connected with but are not really close to and your is still trying to be like, “hey I’m still that cool person you met at that one hangout.” So because of this distance of we’re connected but not really, I’ve been having a hard time trying to use it to Glorify God’s name. So many times I’ve felt reluctant to post something serious because of the “judgement” I think I would face.
I recently posted on FB a confession on my state of … I guess spiritual thinking.

Confession: (So this is something that I’ve been struggling with and I’ve told a few friends but I just want to get it out there for the sake of breathing) I want to stop worrying about how everyone will see me and start relying on how God sees me. Because the only person to satisfy is Him and myself through Him. I don’t want to think before every move, “what is this person going to think of this?” And I’m thinking now, “why limit myself?”. I want to be who I am and not feel like the world’s watching and think it matters, even though they prob don’t because honestly in the end, no one’s watching, no one cares, because they’re worried about their lives. There were so many times this past year where I wanted to post struggles and pains that I was going through but in fear of judgement from people I call “friends”, I just couldn’t. I told myself, “they don’t care” “stop trying to look sad on fb” “stop trying to get sympathy” but I cut out my own worth from myself and the people around me. I tried so hard to make it seem like my life was, “okay” that everything was happy, good, fine because I didn’t want to seem like a failure. I didn’t want to give the 2%ers a chance to say “hahhahhh! she’s going through sh**t”. Because of that pride, I spreaded myself thin to be everything I knew was happy good and fine. Even writing this seems pretty lame in my head …ew Doris you’re 22, what are you doing?” But It really breaks a person when she tries to be something she’s not. I don’t want envy, I don’t need jealousy, I don’t want to live to please other people, but please the God that’s in me without hiding or faking who I am. I’m so filthy yet He somehow still seems to love me. I sometimes feel so torn between who I have to be in fashion and who I have to be in Christ. And with who I was and who I am. I stop who I’ve become or growing into because of the fear that the new me/the changing me will shoo away the people who knew me as something else. And I truly dislike the fact that I’m so easily affected by the people around me. That I’m not true to myself, that I’m not my own rock. I want to love myself for who I am, for what I believe, for all the filthiness that God has cleansed, and for the worth I have in His name.

See even now copying and pasting this on here – WordPress is weird to me. I guess I keep thinking… is this to glorify me or God? But I know God broke a barrier of worth when I clicked post and didn’t keep it to “only me”. Maybe I don’t see that God has provided me with a community to help encourage and support one another… When did I lose trusting in my friends? Or maybe because when other people do it, I see it as them using God’s name to Glorify themselves. I guess another thing is going to down for “Filthy Me” for the sinful way I think. But it’s difficult to differentiate the purpose of posting things whether it’d be me or friends.

…
Through this (just now), God is telling me (the same thing I heard once before) stop trying to wander around and find the sin. Focus on me, my Glory and My love for you, and all will be well *smiley face. And it’s really unprofessional but ‘lol’ to the smiley face because he says it with such simplicity and kindness when I’m scratching head, feeling heartache for answers that I know.
Just Pray.

God, life is so filled with so many distractions. Everything is so ‘beautiful and sensual’ and I can’t help but get distracted. *lol because I really am weak. I can’t commit to things on my own and with your spirit, your presence I can. Maybe too many times I doubt the power in your name. Jesus I call to you now to set a whole new level of thirst in me for you. I want to bask in your goodness, breathe the breath you’ve provided and stop acting so foolish, setting you aside for things of this world that will soon fade. God let me pray with you, spend time with you, on and off social media. Let my worlds be one in you for God you are my core. Let my heart not be hindered from you. Let my soul rest in your name for you are God alone. I want to be able to scream JESUS IS LORD everyday with no fear of how others will see me. Lord guide me as I use social media as a tool for your glory rather than mine and continue to build me into the daughter of Christ you made out to be. Lord you are with me, you give me comfort and I am forever grateful. Thankyou for blessing me with such Joy with my siblings today and I pray that your presence would shine through this day. In Jesus name. Amen.

OBADIAH

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

sidenote: I’ve been recently behind on my reading so one day I just sat down and read all of Amos. Then, in one of the Ami QT’s it said, “A great question to ask while reading any Bible passage is, “What does this reveal about our God?” so I decided to expand or pray on every passage (even if at times it may feel as though nothing was grasps other than the wrath towards the Israelites).

Obadiah v12

12 But do not gloat over the day of your brother
in the day of his misfortune;
do not rejoice over the people of Judah
in the day of their ruin;
do not boast
in the day of distress.
After reading this it kinda stopped me. Church and no church, the community is similar in the fact that people still have flaws and not everyone gets along with everyone. There was a time (not so much anymore that I’m living away from large social settings and the fact that it’s summer break) where I hoped not-the-best for a brother or sister. And this person was someone who looked as if they had it all and got away with it all. In my head, whenever they did an act where I felt was morally wrong, I was like, “God, I know you will judge them, give them a hardship to fix this flaw.” It sounds embarrassing thinking of it now because what do I know. God could have already have been in the process of other things and his timing is better than mine. Anyway, I just couldn’t wait till that moment came where God would reveal their flaw, when they would go through a hard time and realize their failures
Verse 12 reminded me of the envious heart I had. Even when it’s not God and its sin bringing misfortune in their lives, rather than being happy that “my life is better than theirs” and mind speaking, “HA-HHAHH!” I want a heart like God’s, that aches for them to seek God’s word’s and comfort.
Father, we are so unclean with so many flaws. But Lord I pray that you would continue to shape my heart like yours. Knowing that we all have flaws, yet you continue to love us. Thankyou God for sending your son to wipe away our flaws and have us be able to talk to you simply through prayer. Lord, I pray that whenever animosity comes towards another brother, sister, or nonbeliever, that your peace would settle in my heart knowing that you are sovereign. In Jesus name, Amen.

Hosea 1 

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Here, God asks Hosea to marry an unfaithful women and bare children. And on top of that, God gives them (in my opinion) ridiculous and almost humorous names such as “No Mercy” and “Not my people”. And to be honest I’m thinking.. “What is going on.”

To me, being a mom was one of my goals since I was in highschool and I already have planned out my first child’s name and thought about some goals as a parent to raise my kids. But to think about maybe God naming my kids “Not my people”… “No Mercy”, it made me squinge. It really showed me how unwilling I was to go with his plans for my family.

Father God, help to give more of myself to you. My goals, my future, my family. I know that the future you have in store for me is a mega-billion times better than what I think I have in store for myself. Let me be able to rest it all to your hands. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Needs?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Today in AMI QT’s, I was asked to question “What is the usual content of my prayer?  Do I tend to avoid the unpleasant topic of sin as I focus on “my needs?”  Do I realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father?”

It’s not that I avoid the topic of sin as I focus on “my needs”, it’s that I question my lack of interest. I question a lot these days on the relationship status and there are times where I think to myself, “Is it wrong for me to want to live a simple life facing the hardships as I go alone?” As of now, life is simple. Wake up, eat, watch netflix, update my portfolio here and there, upload a picture, check social media, eat again, go to taekwondo, hang out with friends, hang out with siblings, help out parents; very summer routined life. I’m not searching for a job yet and I have no fear of not getting one because jobs are out there whether they are corporate or small start-ups. But it gets difficult to try and squeeze in QT’s or praying when everything in life seems to be floating okay. That’s probably where I’m at fault.

Have I lost motivation to do works for God? To pray for the people that have supported me in a time of need?

Sadly the answer to the last question is “no”. I don’t realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father.

Father God, what has happened? Why am I satisfied with this mundane life that’s floating by? Why don’t I feel the importance of you in my life right now? Must I always be in a accountable environment to be able to understand the greatness of your glory? Father forgive me for my failures to see the fault I’m living. Give me a heart that thirst you, a heart that cares the way you see me. Wasn’t it you that I found my security in? Wasn’t it you that helped me through the toughest times and rejoiced with me in the most precious times. Father, I pray that you would ignite a fire in my soul that burns for a passion for your name. Let me not be satisfied in this life, let everyday be filled with motivation to seek your glory, let me experience the first true love I’ve encountered with you. In Jesus name, Amen.