prayer

John 19 / Life

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I always get heavy hearted and teary while reading about Jesus’s Crucifixion. Sad fact though, I did not know they had three versions of Jesus’s death on Luke, John, and Matthew. Comes to show how little I know about the bible and how much I have yet to learn.

So I finished reading my book on style and I feel no different really. Maybe a little more energized to pursue things in life but with what purpose? I end up spiraling in questions (which is a good thing at times) about my intentions for investing my time into things like uploading a post or starting a project.

Recently I’ve been thinking about creating a blog, more than just think.grapefruit where I journal where I can share the things I do the work I enjoy doing but downside, it’ll eat up my time for doing the ‘important stuff’ like doing my QT or finding a job in fashion.

“There is no right way,” I told myself; for almost everything like reaching success and entering a career in the industry. But I’m sure with God, there is a righteous way where it would honor him rather than following my own signals to pursue a career thats only temporary.

My dad’s uncle on my grandmother’s side recently passed away. There he was laying in his coffin neatly placed, resting before me an empty vessel, leaving the world behind. So when I think of doing things, I always think… will this thing I do be seen in God’s eyes?

In the end and the answer I’m trying to avoid is, am I doing this for me or for other people or for God? And it’s a tricky answer because how is writing a blog (not on daily devotionals) for God? and it leads to questions like “Does everything in my life have to be devoted to God?”

I’m working now, at my dad’s newly opened store basically assistant manager taking care of the store, cashiering, moving clothes around, and a bunch of other small tasks, reporting big new back to my dad when he comes back from other errands. Now I have a paycheck coming in which I really didn’t think about because after paying for my tuition, it’s okay dad, you REALLY don’t have to but he does to show that work pays off. So now I have a weekly salary and I’ve been using it up like daddy’s little gold digger. Surprisingly today I was driving home and thought, does this mean I have to start putting money in the offering box on Sundays? But I’m still poor recent graduate without a steady income not really at my real job. Then the thought of Jesus’s Crucifixion came up, how he didn’t sacrifice an arm or leg for us but his whole self; how the poor (samaritans?) gave up everything yet the tax collector who had so much to spare gave up so sparingly. There my answer was pretty clear.

And going back to devoting everything in my life to God, I don’t think its an extreme case of making sure the water was approved before drinking it by God but knowing the foundations for the reasons I do things.

God didn’t create a blob like the million other blobs that live around me; he created a unique individual soul with gifts and talents that would glorify God and he loved it through all the mistakes he knew he or she was going to make. I am different than my brothers and sisters and I love dancing, illustrating, singing (not so well I’m told), designing, thinking, believing, trying new things and I think it’s something to celebrate because God put all those things in me to make up who I am. I’m still not sure how people can so confidently post on fb about God’s love for them on a picture that doesn’t reference the writing that goes with it and get a jillion likes but I I’m starting to think it all comes from the heart of loving who you are, that is, God’s most precious, loved child.

And yes, there are still times that God’s love amazes me to the point of doubting this perfect love all together, but in the end I’d rather look like a fool that found freedom from fear and worries than following what the world says is ‘cool’.

God, there’s never a day like today, right now, to worship you and to love you. No matter what situation and circumstance, whether I’m doing nothing or if I’m traveling to Italy on vacation, let me always think of you and all that you’ve done for me. My life is literally not my own, I don’t call the shots because I’m better off not calling the shots. God help me to be courageous in the things I do, the words I say, let me be wise but still true to myself in the way I speak and move so that I may not lose myself. God, this blog thing is all really tricky in my head but Lord I love all parts of me that want to express in a shape, form, moment, 2D, 3D and I want to be doing that in a way that still honors you. Help me to always give thanks for the mercy, grace and blessings you provide each day. Make me into a more thankful person and be able to smile at the gifts you’ve provided. And so, Lord I thank you for my family that supports me and for providing me with them and providing them with finances and joy. I thank you for this precious time where I’m able to elaborate my thoughts deeper with you and where I’m able to reconnect with my one Savior, my one place of freedom. Help me to refine myself and I pray for more of your heart in me. Thank you for the cross God, thank you for your word and always remind me of the love you give so freely. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Barnes & Nobles Trip

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I was driving home back from NY Sunday night and my arrival time to home was 4:55pm, and I really thought I could make it but I couldn’t hold in my pee any longer and I had to stop somewhere. I stopped at a Barnes & Nobles and after I “relieved” myself, I became really attracted to the sign ‘Art’ and all the colorful books under it. So I unconsciously started walking around as if I had planned to come (and it wasn’t because I was planning on going home and painting for the first time in forever). I began to indulge myself in Art and my desires, my foundation for my career choice, and tried to find inspiration in what to paint. I looked to the right of the shelf and surprise, surprise, Fashion Books. My heart sank and started to feel the little voice in my head guilting me of all the time and money spent the past four year to not have yet obtained a job in design. As I further looked into the Art books in my hand I started to feel sad. I felt somehow caged and obliged to pursue fashion for the rest of myself, as if I had signed my life away in blood to this industry, and sad because I had lost touch with what I loved the most which was creating in whatever freedom that my heart desired without searching for the approval (and grade) from others. I sat and journaled as I read away on Impressionism and Modern Art as well as Starting a career in fashion and other things to get my mind pumping.

After much alone time sitting and reflecting on the floor as people walked by, I came to a conclusion: I lack clarity in my style of living and in my voice of who I am. Introverted me would have chosen fine arts but I re-found the sense of challenge in fashion design, as I did my sophomore yr in college struggling through a foreign land beyond paints, pencils, and brushing into a world of fabrics, sewing, and concept development all contained in a well thought presentation with a personal aesthetic.

So I bought I book (that I have yet to read from work and all) about style, finding out who you are, how to love yourself and it sounds cheesy but I don’t love myself enough. I don’t have as much confident in the gray areas of my life and I really want to make all parts of me to good use.

Now the reason I’m writing all this is because finding myself is tricky land. It comes with a lot of “how you present yourself” and sets back on the thought of how God loves you rather than how people love you. So I really want for this journey of discovering my aesthetic with God together. I know that God loves me and finds me already worthy despite all my shame, and I don’t want this “loving myself” to come from other things that I surround myself with because I treat myself nice. I need to always come back to the ‘OG’ love that God is and remind myself that I can love myself the way I do because God can source me with that powerful love.

So if you are reading this right now, I would appreciate a little prayer over this phase that may or may not change me while I discover myself and how to make good use of my time (hopefully glorifying God and not me) but also motivating myself to get on with life already and stop being lazy because God loves me. I have the gifts, I just need the character and opportunity to use them and sitting home all day on Netflix won’t do anything so here I go.

Father God, I find myself on stammering waters where things are started to fog up but God help me to focus on your voice. Let me hear not from the books or from myself but from you. I’m sorry if I offend you by desiring more from myself but I hope you would reveal the truth of this matter. To be not of this world yet be the best I can be while I’m here (for you). In Jesus name. Amen

Zechariah 5 – God’s Wrath

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In Zechariah 5, God sends two ‘visions’ to Zechariah. One of a flying scroll that curses the house of every thief and to anyone who swears falsely by God’s name, and another of a woman in a basket, which represented wickedness, to be brought back to Babylonia.
To be honest I was confused after rereading the passage, so after many summary readings, I started questioning Where does God’s wrath go?

Zechariah 5:4 The LordAlmighty declares, ‘I will send it out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of anyone who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in that house and destroy it completely, both its timbers and its stones.’ ”

The bible talks many time about God’s wrath, that God will uphold justice and destroy houses…and if our God is the same God through all of time, that God never changes than why do we only talk about his love? Thankfully I did some further researching and found this.

The wrath of God is His eternal detestation of all unrighteousness. It is the displeasure and indignation of Divine equity against evil. It is the holiness of God stirred into activity against sin.

(I remember discussing this during Apprenticeship training) God’s wrath isn’t towards the people who commit sin; his anger doesn’t go to the person but to the sin itself. I think about all the times I was bitter or held anger against someone for doing me wrong and I always thought, God why do you want me to love this person, UGH NO, I just don’t want to. And I realize now that it’s their sin that I should be bitter towards. God loves them and God wants to bring out the best of them for them but ‘they do not know what they’ve done’ because of the blindness from sin (And this is probably where Jesus comes into the picture to save us from God destroying sin by destroying us).

Wow does God have all the answers or does God have all the answers?

God, thank you for opening up my eyes today to see and understand a little more of you. Lord I pray that whenever people do me wrong and find it difficult to love and easier to find anger, that you would lead that anger toward sin and not the person themselves. I pray for more of your heart for my brothers and sisters and that I too would be jealous for your heart God so that I may be jealous for my brothers and sisters. God I thank you for your protection whenever I have big questions and thank you for Jesus because it all seems to go back to Him always. God you are so good, help me to share this goodness to the people around me and fill me with a desire to always seek your spirit. Overwhelm my soul Lord God everyday of your glory. I pray all these things in your sons name, Amen. 

Zephaniah 2

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Under Moab and Ammon, it seems they have insulted and made threats against God’s people so God replies by saying how he’ll leave the cities in ruins like Sodom and Gomorrah and the remnant of (his) people will plunder them; the survivors of (his) nation will inherit their land. (v.9)

10This is what they will get in return for their pride,
for insulting and mocking
the people of the LordAlmighty.
11The Lord will be awesome to them
when he destroys all the gods of the earth.
Distant nations will bow down to him,
all of them in their own lands.

When I read this section of this chapter I was so hyped. I’m sure there are people you’ve faced that mocked God and have maybe even thrown you off by using God’s name in vain. (I feel that way all the time when my brother says it). But God is the King of Justice and we are his precious children. He’s like a parent that will not stand up for people who mock his children, his family, his name and he’ll protects us, open up people’s eyes in away where they are terrified of him and see him in awe. God is so good and so great and the best part is is that he is by our side and he is Ours.

Father God, thank you for loving us and thank you for awing us as well in all the glory of who you are. I pray that your presence will be so near this week, that our spirits will be lifted knowing that you are besides us and loving us and protecting us from any injustice we face. God we lift our burdens to you knowing that you will keep them in your hands. Thank you for being ‘our’ God. In Jesus name, Amen. 

And I will call upon your name
and keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours and you are mine

-Oceans by Hillsong United

‘Spirit of Compassion’ Update

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So recently I’ve been praying a lot for my heart and my mom’s heart and I knew that God would work somehow but I never thought today would come so soon.

I began to speak of my day and of course being at church, it consisted of God, and as per usual conversation, she began to bring up her doubts about my participation in church and we slowly increased into an argument. For the past week, I’ve been doing well in being a more composed daughter in an argument thinking of God’s spirit and presence. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “I feel…” argument method where one expresses not the other’s faults (“you’re an idiot”) but rather begin with “I feel…(ex. unappreciated when you say certain things). Our argument usually goes in circles beginning with my mom from the repetition of the same argument statement that leads me to frustration from repeating the same answer and feeling misunderstood. But today she listened through and I think she understands that I understand how she feels; her nervousness of how her daughter may not have certain ends knotted. By the end of the conversation, maybe she was too tired, but I explained to her once more of the ‘I feel’ method and how it can tremendously help understand one another and she said, “I don’t think you even do that,” and I responded, “I’m trying.” She replied, “okay we’ll see.” Which is a YES in my definition. “I love you mom.” “I love you too, goodnight,” she said as she walked to her bedroom. Tears began to run down my face because how present is God. I’m just overwhelmed of how God truly works and that he cares. I really was hopeless and really thought, I’m going to be 35 by the time we start to begin to understand one another yet here we are today. I know it may not always be an uphill battle for change but at least it has begun.

Father God, wow you amaze me so much. Thank you Lord for working, and always being present. God thank you for surprising me with a gift sooner than I expected. Lord I pray that I would always lean on your love and spirit when times get rough and that you would guide my heart and my mother’s heart to THE HEART, your heart and slowly but surely heal us. Father you are so great and so amazing. I love you so much and I pray for your love to continue to Manifest this house. Protect my family , protect our hearts, and let us one day be able to find rest together in your spirit. In Jesus name, Amen.

Lamentation 5 – God Forsake His People?

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Jeremiah speaks of the state of God’s people how everything basically sucks and at the end writes,
v.19 – 22 You, Lord, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.
Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?
Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return;
renew our days as of old
unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.
I remember Paster Ulysses speaking in apprenticeship training how our God is the same God throughout the bible and that he isn’t an angry God in the Old Testament and a loving, baby lamb holding God in the New Testament. So when I come to read things like “Why do you forsake us?” I would initially think, did Old Testament God forsake his people? But further thinking upon it, I think it’s natural for Jeremiah to think that God has forsaken them. That he left them in the rut to just rot away and have everything suck. Just as we think God has left us when times are rough.
When I think back to my first encounters with God, when I first came back to church in about two and half years ago, I remember being filled with bitterness and confusion. Why is my family going through this hard time? Why isn’t he fixing anything and why is he ‘letting’ this happen? Whenever I felt such bitterness, my family group leader (Jon Gong) would always say, “Doris, God is good.” Tears would run down my face because I wanted to except that fact so badly but the circumstances didn’t allow my heart to fully realize it.
God has never left my side and God’s timing is beyond our measure. So even now when I pray constantly for God to shed his light on my mom and see no change, I think to myself God, please HEAR my prayer because it feels like nothings happening. I come back to remind myself that God is working and it’s just a matter of MY faith and patience in Him.
Father God, you have been with me through everything, and I know you will always be with me through everything. So God, I pray, keep me strong, when waters get deep and my faith is tested, Lord let me be so strong in that you have faith in me. I think my faith is being tested everyday living in a household of non-believers but God, you are greater than my problems here in this temporary home. God you are able and you love is overly abundant so thank you so much for bringing me this far. Thank you for revealing your truths, pouring your grace and mercy, for carrying my burdens, and for lightening the weight on my heart by filling it with your spirit. God I pray for your strength to reside in me whenever my knees feel weak. Help me to be bold and so unafraid of this world. I love you, In Jesus name. Amen.

‘New York’ Me vs. ‘New Jersey’ Me

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While I was in college I lived my freshman year and sophomore year partying, having fun, going out at night sometimes even on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and by the end of each year, my group of secular friends got boring. The same old places, doing the same things, laughing about the same stuff and I asked myself, is this it? Feeling bad about not being skinner than the friend next to me, never getting the guy, being there to go through the motions of being excited and happy for my friends? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my friends; it was my heart that was the problem.

I then was invited to church by a friend and since that day, I was able to find the greatest joy, His light. This light and freedom that God provided was like no other I was hooked and decided to go on a journey with Him. My next two years of college I spent worshipping and praying to God; praying for my family, school, friends, and receiving His love in all of it, covering over my fears and insecurities. He opened my eyes to so many things and most of all that he promised to continue opening my eyes to things as I adventured through the highs and lows of life.

I moved back into New Jersey and the hardest thing was that the Doris from HighSchool came back and not the Doris from New York. The unchanged, lazy, ungrateful Doris that had life handed to her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a bunch of side dishes. I now spend 4 days in New York with my church community and spend 3 days in New Jersey, how is it that my New York side doesn’t over triumph my New Jersey side?

So I looked up “What does the Bible say about ‘Putting the Past Behind’. And I’m sure it’s about sin and shame but now as I’m writing, New Jersey me is sinful me and shameful me living life through the patterns of this earth.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

I am a new creation in Christ and maybe I haven’t lived as if I had been made new because I was lacking faith that God has made me new.

It doesn’t matter whether or not my family is Christian (which they’re not) but the point being, this world is going to be filled with situations where my faith comes to test, where I must stand strong with God by my side. Whether it’d be me fasting from media and only listening to Christian music or having a verse on my arm, I need to surround myself with Godly things or else I’ll be tempted by ALL THE FAMILIAR THINGS IN MY HOUSE to be familiar NJ Doris that has been living in this house alone for 9 years.

Prayer Request: If you’ve read through this I think I still need prayer from my community of brothers and sisters whoever you may be, pray for God’s protection over my heart, that this familiar house wouldn’t bring back familiar me and that I would focus on my faith that God has made me new.

Father God, what a turn of events you have given me by placing me back in the home before you saved me. It’s going to be hard I know, but I know that with you, the victory is already claimed so Jesus I pray that you would keep my hopes up and that your spirit would not only affect me but my family. I am not following you for my family God, I’m following you for us. Knowing that your glory and your joy is the light in my heart that brings me back to you and your love. God I pray keep me safe, protect me and my family from lies of this earth and tender our hearts for one another. Father help me to see your presence in all things that happen in this house knowing that you sovereign. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Daniel 9 – God’s Mercy

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v.18 O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy.

Because of God’s mercy, we are able to present our “pleas” to him.
I think we’re all familiar with the phrase, “prayer is usually for us because God already knows.” Through prayer we are able to confess our sins, and be made anew, but only because of his mercy are we able to do any of it.

I’m not sure about everyone else but for me, I first learned about God’s grace before God’s mercy; that His grace is abundant and through His grace I am where I am. But when I rephrase it as “I am here through His grace and mercy” I start to think of all the sin in my life; how he gave me mercy when I deserved punishment. It’s not likely that people want to think of all the bad things that they have done but in this case, I think thinking of God’s mercy for us shows us how much more love he has for us. He can be the Father who gets mad and grounds us, not allowing us to experience joy in life but he shows mercy so that we experience everything else he has for us. God love us so much.

Father God, thank you for having mercy on us so that we may be able to communicate to you, to simply be able to speak to you and receive your heart. Thank you for having new mercy’s for me everyday. I pray that I would have the same heart for new mercies onto people who have done wrong and forgive as you did for me. Lord I pray that you would create an urgency to be with you, to meet with you everyday and that I may run my day on the love that you gave me. Lord help me to spend time with you slowly and I pray that you would continue to rest your spirit of patience upon me. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice, remind me of this as I try to do the same for you with all that I have. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

I know I still make mistakes
But you have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails.

DL

Daniel 3 – He is Among Us

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King Nebuchadnezzar had a golden statue of himself put up and at the sound of music, people were to fall and worship the golden image and whoever doesn’t were to be cast into a burning fiery furnace. But when he found out Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego didn’t worship the golden image, he brought them forth and gave them a decision, worship the golden statue or be cast into a burning fiery furnace; who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands? (v.15)

v.16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. v.17 If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

What a boss answer. “No need to answer you” they’re like, “Psh, we don’t need to answer you, we have our mighty God who will deliver us and if not, we still wouldn’t have worshiped you.” They weren’t afraid of dying to their deaths and was certain to not worship something other than God. 

v. 24-27 Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.” Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the burning fiery furnace; he declared, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here!” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out from the fire. And the satraps, the prefects, the governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. The hair of their heads was not singed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire had come upon them.

God not only prevented the 7x-hotter-fire from burning them up, but He also was walking among them. He’s not a mighty God who only sits at his throne and looks down at us to say, “you can do it, go on.” He’s a God who will walk amongst us and say, “here, I’ll take you through it.”

God, you are always so good. You walk us through fire and you continue to have faith in us when we sometimes don’t in ourselves. God I pray that you would pour down your spirit of strength and power to cast away all fears of following you. God you have the best planned out for us, may we be able to rely on you and follow you with our arms open wide for your Glory. Lord I pray for you spirit to fall, a spirit of compassion and humility so that I may be able to show my family and others the heart you have planted in me and the heart you have for them. Lead me for your Glory. In Jesus name. Amen.

Daniel 1 – Our God Sovereigns

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I think I remember a service where this chapter was how kosher came and Daniel and three others didn’t want to eat food and wine provided by the king but vegetables. It’s interesting how God was able to skillfully sovereign and provide for Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah.

v.9 And God gave Daniel favor and compassion in the sight of the chief of the eunuchs,

it doesn’t say the chiefs were feeling merciful but that GOD gave compassion and favor to the chiefs upon Daniel. God had shifted the chief’s hearts at the moment to listen to Daniel so that they may be able to honor God.

v.17 As for these four youths, God gave them learning and skill in all literature and wisdom, and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams.

God provided them with the wisdom that also made the king inquire them and not just “here’s wisdom”, wisdom and understanding “ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters that were in all his kingdom” (v.20).

Saturday night at the retreat, Pastor Peter Yoon said that “you’re never in the wrong place or wrong time when being used by God“. And Daniel 1 really comes to show that when God is working in you or through you he will supply and provide in marvelous ways that are 10x better than this world can offer.

Father God, you have our backs when doing your will, and you will always work things for our good so I pray that you would lift our faith in you even more so that we may be unafraid of honoring you knowing that you sovereign over all things. In Jesus name, Amen.