prayer

Day 2.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s now the second day after God pulled me out from deep waters (metaphorically speaking again of course) and I catch myself confused and almost shocked of how “Okay” I am.

I’m not suffocating, I’m not sad or on the verge of crying. And all these things were super real and up to my neck less than a week ago. It’s actually crazy. And I’m sharing all these lovely hopeful truths about God more because I want to share God’s goodness but if this was anyone else, I’d probably think, “This girl is bipolar.”

I’m saved. Again. Again and Again by the King of Kings and it’s hitting me now. There are so many times I’ve failed and so many things that probably should have ended with me drowning in my own hate and bitterness, but he didn’t let go of me.

My heart going from resentment/suffocation to joy and hopefulness in 3 days is just unreal. Do regular people without God go through this? In just 3 days?

God, I … Your glory in this situation is so big that I can’t comprehend it with my small mind and heart. But when I do stop, really stop to see myself when I’m alone right now… I can’t believe how secure I feel . I don’t have a job in the design industry, 23, single, broken family, still on this broken world and you, you are all that matters right now. Just yesterday after embarking on a new refreshed journey to bring you glory, I was still nervous and afraid. The world was scary to proclaim your name, but today, I honestly want every person I’ve met to know that you are so precious and selfless and limitless and so much more than anything this world says otherwise. The only thing I’m nervous for now is losing this fire for you. This focus and this strength. God I’m not perfect, but I ask desperately, won’t you provide the fire and help me provide the sacrifice. I know I can’t do it on my own, so let me not forget that it’s what you’ve done for me and not what I’ve done for you. I’m trying to not get high on your spirit so that I don’t fall hard but I’m praying, help my weak flesh and my willing spirit to love you always. Thank you for being so big, so awesome, so beautiful and creative and so loving towards such imperfect, failing beings. Thank you for redeeming us and thank you for saving us again and again. I love you. In Jesus name. Amen.

–

Yea. So I definitely needed to just pray it out. Less of me thinking to myself and more of me talking to Him. I’m probably gonna spend more time in worship but last thing.
I was really rejoicing today. Although I don’t have my circumstance fixed and “all better”, I have hope and wanted to say that it was really just all of God’s amazing Grace and unfailing love. I don’t have perfect pitch and I don’t have … guitar talent/strumming skills but I love expressing the love and truth that comes with God. Working on that #courage.

This is Amazing Grace (Cover)

Sunday 8.21.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“I didn’t want to come today.
But I did, For Ally, to not bail.
God I am yours & you are mine
I am your child.
You asked me “How can I help you?”
I’m asking Lord to give me..
something to be passionate for.
This world is too sad for me.
I’m stuck in the dark now,
would your spirit bring me truth?”

–

I wrote this in my journal before service started, not knowing the blessings to come that day.

Backstory of what I’ve been going through. I’ve been sad for about a month now. Around the end of July, everything that I held close to me fell apart. Starting with family, I started feel resentment and bitterness towards my brother for not trying; not trying to get better, seeing the pessimistic outcome of everything, shutting down my optimism, I eventually felt no love for him. I could have cared less what would happen to him because why do I have to try when he’s not even trying or showing that he wants to get better? Next to this all my close friends that I see on a weekly basis were all physically / distance wise dispersing from me; either going to grad school in PennState, visiting dad in Japan, vacation in Cali, missions in Ohio… they were all .. so far from me. And behind it all was the question that’s been lingering for a year, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Eventually I couldn’t find peace. God existed but I couldn’t seem to access his peace while working at my dad’s retail store pricing, cashiering, through the thank-yous, have-a-nice-days; I was suffocating. And I fell into a existential crisis spiral. Whats the point? What’s the point of working hard to build a career and hoping for a future when I could die at any point and all the hard work will die with me.

Temporarily I felt better, when I was with friends, when I was hanging out with my brother and sister at Dave and Busters, doing the leisurely things. I sought after fearlessness in God’s love and tried to like as if I would die tomorrow. It helped a little to get my work produced. I even took on the title “artist” over “fashion designer” because I felt so boxed in the idea of who a fashion designer is. But all in all, I didn’t feel like myself. A part of me died and it was the hopeful part of me; the optimist, open-minded, 2nd chance giving, everyone-loving part. I felt like a negative black aura ball of annoying bitterness and sadness and didn’t know if I could ever get back to this old me. Looking at old picture of me smiling made me sad inside that this girl was no longer with me. (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s genuinely how I felt.)

Then it was Sunday. John 6:12. Feeding of 5 thousand, Walking on Water, Immediate Desperation. 3 things struck in from Paster Joe’s message.

Are you after his providence? Or Him?
I am, is here.
Believe in Jesus.

I realized my sadness came from searching for more. There was a day during my moping when I told God, God, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied of this world. And this came from my previous desire to want to experience the world, adventure, travel, breathe in what it means to be alive and risk dangers, work hard, hit success etc etc.
My flaw was this. I stopped holding God’s hand through it all. I stopped depending on his spirit and tried flying on my own with God on a leash. God if I fall, you’ll catch me. If things get hard while trying to do this, you’re going to give me your strength right? I stopped living for God and tried living for myself with God as a safety. SMH at myself.

“Jesus where were you? We want more food!”
“Do not look for food that will spoil, look for food that endures eternal life.”
“What are we supposed to do? how do we get what we are looking for?”
“Believe in Jesus. If we go looking for jewels in Jesus’s hands, we will ALWAYS BE UNSATISFIED. What we need to do is want JESUS.” – Paster Joe.

John 6:29 The work of God is this: to BELIEVE in the one he has sent.” 

–

God. I learned today that you should lead. Lead me to your glory. You are not part of my story, I am part of yours. I tried, on my own & with you to think of how to be successful, to seek happiness and I found none. No hope for my future. “Do you know your future?” Whether life goes well or unfortunately, Will you constantly provide for your will to be done. For your glory to shine and all I want to be is a part of your kingdom.
So God, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what’d best for me. I don’t know what path I’ll choose to be satisfied. But God, serving you, to be near you, to be with you a the end of this tunnel, that will satisfy my soul. Not what you give. Not what you do. not what you fill me with. God, I seek you. I seek your son Jesus, and his heart in all this that I most likely won’t comprehend.
Remind me to never let go of your hand, remind me to seek your presence in all I do for you. Remind me that you love me in such a remarkable way. Remind me of your cross and remind me that you are here. Lead me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen. 

–

After service, I found myself breathing easy again. I escaped to have a personal retreat away from friends and family and read Crazy Love (given to me as a bday gift from Ally lol “it all circles around”) by Francis Chan and it was amazing. I feel hopeful again. I feel like I have purpose again and relayed (for like the 5th time) a new foundation to what I want to pursue.

My Passion? : To love God First, seek his glory and eternity, to encourage and share God’s glory. To act on God’s words, not mine.

I know that these are all words until it’s actually done and it’s not like I’m better over night. I’m currently fasting, and praying for a desire for Jesus again. And I have.. SO MUCH to work on like humility and patience, but I have hope. Praise Jesus.

 

Status Update. 7.30.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

07.11.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

God, a prayer for myself is that, fear wouldn’t hold me back. That I wouldn’t hold me back. That I wouldn’t sell myself short and that I would seek for more than what is content. Lord, I confess, life is pretty “chill” right now and everything is mostly good and I seemed to be satisfied but God, I’m reminded time and time again that this isn’t it for me. You have more planned and there are so many areas of my life that you want to fill. So help me with this truth God, help me to get up on my feet to move and seek more of you in the things I do and the places I go. Come fill me with courage and focused patience. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Isaiah 6. Who?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

  “Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.””‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭6:8‬ 

I always imagined God would be asking us directly when he wanted something done. Example: “Doris, go evangelize to her,” or, “will you do this for my kingdom?” But here it seems God doesn’t have a direct subject and asks “Who”? And Isaiah says, “here I am.” 

If we were in Isaiah’s shoes, would we have enough courage to say,”me Lord, I’m available for your kingdom, pick me!” or would we stay quiet like we’re in class, hoping someone else would respond, avoiding eye contact, and hoping that your name wouldn’t be called. Instead of hearing God calling you specifically, maybe he’s asking, “who will serve?” Are we willing to be fearless to step up and say “Here I am. Send me.”? 

Father God, here I am. I am afraid to enter this industry, to be judged but knowing that you are with me my fears subside. God you call me worthy and beautifully fearlessly made. Father plant in me courage and knowing that you are more powerful, help me to trust in you. Help me be unafraid to answer your calling and be able to say “here I am.” In Jesus name, Amen.

Mark 5. Fearfully Miraculous God

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I think these are one of the most recognizable stories in the Bible and it’s so interesting how it can help your faith in little ways no matter how far you are spiritually.

Mark 5 really spoke on faith today. Sometimes God pulls miraculous things that are almost fearful to us and sometimes we lack the faith to believe he can revive a hopeless situation. I thought of my family while reading this and there was a time that I didn’t believe God can change my family but like in verse 34, ““Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” I am truly relying on God right now to work in my family and it’ll be a long patience practice but he will provide me with peace that he is a fearfully miraculous God. The women was bleeding for 12 years and maybe my family’s healing may take 12 or more years but I’m just going to keep believing in our victorious God that he will heal and for more steadfast faith in Him. 

Father God, thank you for this day where I am able to once again wake up to glorify your name. My life goes on as you call me worthy because of what you’ve done and Lord, my heart truly cries for you. I pray that I’d be protected from discouragements and that I’d look to your mighty hands when all seems to fail. Lord you are my strength and peace, literally and I would not be this sane without you so thank you for providing me with this freedom. I pray that I’d be led on your spirit and not my own thoughts and that you’d embrace me this week. In Jesus name. Amen.

1 Peter 3:12-22. Let’s be Honest

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

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In Peter 3:12-22, the bible talks twice about having a clear conscious. The first time it is mentioned in the chapter, it talks about sharing the gospel (evangelizing) with a clear conscious and it’s important because as Christians we should feel and be free from all the wrong we’ve done understanding that Jesus paid for it all. Jesus died for us to be free from our sins. I remember a friend telling me that if we truly repented for our sins and then we ask, God remember that time I did this, He would reply, “I don’t know what your talking about,” because it’s been cleared by Jesus. In vs. 21 (and the second time  it’s mentioned) it says, “Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ”. Dirt wasn’t removed from our outer images of who we represent ourselves as but from our hearts and mind. How beautiful is that.

And God clears us from these negative, energy sucking thoughts for us to be fully people of God and to work for his Kingdom in our full potential form. So let’s be honest, to ourselves and God, and work towards being forgiven, having a clear conscious, because that’s who God wants us to be, a clean vessel for his spirit and living water to flow through. Amen.

Father God, you want us to be your superheroes. You’ve cleansed us from the dirt we had stuck in our hearts so that we may be able to do good works through your spirit. Lol, in a way you’re willing to be a plumber for our hearts to clear out our dirtiness so we can be a well working house of God. Thank you, for Jesus Christ, thank you for allowing me to wake up today fresh and free of all the fear and anxiety that runs through my life and I pray that you’d provide that same peace to my brothers and sisters who are struggling right now. God protect my love and desire for you, protect my brothers and sisters for temptation is real and strong but Amen God for you are also real and stronger. I love you so much, I pray for this day that I’d live upon your words and not on bread alone. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Genesis 2:4-25 / Genesis 3. God desires Us

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

virtual-hands-could-help-improve-the-lives-of-stroke-victims

Oy Oy Here we Go.

Genesis 2:7
then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

This verse struck me to come to an understanding that without God, we’re just a bag of bones, a body without spirit and I thought it was beautiful to think that life was breathed into us.

Genesis 2:15-17
The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

Genesis 3:10-11
And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?”

This is such a heavy topic to me, the source of our relationship with God. God created the earth and sky and called it good. He filled it with animals of the sea, land, and sky and called them good. Then he created man to watch over and take care of all that he created. It leaves a lot of people, including myself, asking, why God? Why create imperfect beings, with a tree that would lead to separation with you?

God created us with free will because without it, what would be the point? What better are we then than rocks that do whatever we’re told. God gave us a spirit and he wanted us to desire Him without him making us desire him.

Temptation is a scary thing, because it takes one second longer of a thought that can lead to something else. Temptation promises us of satisfaction now but that’s not what we really need. We need a satisfaction that lasts forever and we think we can find it in so many things but it fails us and takes a piece of uswith it. It honestly comes to our God who is everlasting. So life is a struggle thanks to our own desire to seek things that satisfy us, but God wants to give us peace, God wants to provide and make us whole again.

Are we seeking for things that satisfy our desires and curiosities that God said specifically not to go near? It’s a hard question because it’s denying ourselves and in this generation where individualism and independence is encouraged, it’s hard to rethink how we were raised, but as a 22 year old who wasn’t born into a christian family, being in church fighting for my faith for almost 3 years, I’m already starting to see how much more God has to offer for my heart than this world.

God thank you for the courage to bring me back to this difficult devotional where I struggled to seek your truth. God your truth is that you want us to be whole, and we were whole when we were with you in that garden. We drove us apart and yet you’ve seem to still want us and by sending your son, you found a way back to our hearts. God I pray for the brothers and sisters that have not seen how much you can give. I pray that they’d be unblinded into seeing what is true and that you’d loosen them from temptation’s grip. This world is so shiny, like a juicy apple asking us for a taste, but God let our heart and mind focus on depending on the perfect source of love for our souls and protect us from things that stumble our faith. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Deuteronomy 8:3 / Psalms 51:17. Soul Food

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

3 And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Living by not bread alone but by God’s word… HUH? Does God’s words even have carbs, protein, fat (I guess the bible, made of paper, has fiber…). The truth is we probably consume more food than our body actually needs to survive; like flamin hot cheetos, does our body need it to live, no. But before this bible study becomes a consumption research paper, the bible does feed us for us to live. By putting aside our everyday substance intake and replacing it with God’s word can be challenging at first but God’s food is soul food. It feeds our spirit, giving it the metaphorical nutrients it needs to be whole.

I think personally, I would say that food is a basic balancer in my life, something to do so I can take a break from work or spend leisure time not thinking about work but feeding my body because “I need it to survive.” As of now I’m “fasting” watching netflix while doing work or eating and I say fasting with quotes because I haven’t been committed to it. But instead, I think a real challenge would to not eat junk food. I love my daily carbs and eating man-made food is part of my everyday, everyday. So I’m going to think and pray hard but I think I will end up fasting man-made food as my fast.

God I think I know your word is necessary to live, to be made whole, but without bread but with your word alone? I’m not so sure. I pray that you’d give me encouragement, that I’d meditate on your word to start fasting something, denying myself, to grow closer to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Psalm 51. Broken Hearts Wanted

~ DL ~ Leave a comment
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

During this lent season, we’re giving up (fasting) one thing to give up to God and it may seem like a healthy spiritual thing to do to not get too attached to this world. But what God truly desires is our heart in this. A heart that desires change, a heart that acknowledges its brokenness and heart that desires God’s spirit. I pray that we wouldn’t be so caught up in giving a thing up because we have to but because we know that through it, God can fill us in that area with more of his presence.