prayer request

Month of Work Life Reflection.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’ll go straight into it; the first week was amazing. God had shown so SO much GRACE… with such little things like someone giving me their cough drops from Canada or someone else holding an umbrella under my head while searching for my car keys after the drop off at the bus stop. Work itself was incredibly marvelous with one being so close and intimate like an apprenticeship for a small luxury business and the other walking around all day searching for fabrics (keeping me on my feet and not looking at numbers all day). He’s been… so good. And for once my parents (and friends) so proud to see me out and bout into the industry, using my degree, going to NYC 5 days a week, even I felt “settled” and “safe” or “getting my adult life going”.

But I can’t lie, there were moments sitting there thinking why am I not out there creating? Getting a steady income is great and all but I was once told “money will come, there are a million being made right now in a warehouse somewhere”. I say this with all financial reality in mind such as providing for a family, taxes, rent, etc. When I say I want to be an artist, I wish people didn’t have a stereotypical view on that career; lazy, hippy-like, avoiding responsibilities… and I think I’m afraid to tell people what I really want to be.

I never imagined myself working under someone after college, even in high school. I think some people are just born and raised to think about getting a degree to get a job to provide for yourself and family to inspire your children about the same cycle WHICH is not a bad thing. But when I looked at my life 10 years from middle school AND high school AND college, I saw myself creating. (I can just hear all the 50 year old parents shaking their heads reading this saying “pfftt. millennials”).

I don’t say this with a light heart, I want to become an artist. It’s not that I don’t want to do nothing or work hard, live the easy life… I just want to create. Maybe it’s the child in me that doesn’t want to escape but there has to be more to life than just one career and one direction to success.

God. I haven’t prayed to you in a while or sung to you or thought about you (more like ignore you) but I’ve discovered adult-ish things like building a reputation and self presentation and you’ve probably done your best to not let it consume me. But God, you know my heart more than I know it, all I want is to strive for happiness with all the dirt that comes with living life. So I pray would you surround me with people who can build up this hope/this dream that others might call childish and would you help me strive after you? Are my dreams part of your will? or are they something that I’ve just conjured up myself for my satisfaction? Does your will involve me in something I detest? I feel like I’m talking to the sorting hat in Harry Potter when Harry tries to convince the hat to put him in Gyriffindor. God I guess in the same why I’m asking to really be placed in somewhere I can creatively thrive. Please.
Thank You for today and Happy Belated Birthday Jesus. Thanks for indescribably everything. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.  

Status Update. 7.30.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

Barnes & Nobles Trip

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I was driving home back from NY Sunday night and my arrival time to home was 4:55pm, and I really thought I could make it but I couldn’t hold in my pee any longer and I had to stop somewhere. I stopped at a Barnes & Nobles and after I “relieved” myself, I became really attracted to the sign ‘Art’ and all the colorful books under it. So I unconsciously started walking around as if I had planned to come (and it wasn’t because I was planning on going home and painting for the first time in forever). I began to indulge myself in Art and my desires, my foundation for my career choice, and tried to find inspiration in what to paint. I looked to the right of the shelf and surprise, surprise, Fashion Books. My heart sank and started to feel the little voice in my head guilting me of all the time and money spent the past four year to not have yet obtained a job in design. As I further looked into the Art books in my hand I started to feel sad. I felt somehow caged and obliged to pursue fashion for the rest of myself, as if I had signed my life away in blood to this industry, and sad because I had lost touch with what I loved the most which was creating in whatever freedom that my heart desired without searching for the approval (and grade) from others. I sat and journaled as I read away on Impressionism and Modern Art as well as Starting a career in fashion and other things to get my mind pumping.

After much alone time sitting and reflecting on the floor as people walked by, I came to a conclusion: I lack clarity in my style of living and in my voice of who I am. Introverted me would have chosen fine arts but I re-found the sense of challenge in fashion design, as I did my sophomore yr in college struggling through a foreign land beyond paints, pencils, and brushing into a world of fabrics, sewing, and concept development all contained in a well thought presentation with a personal aesthetic.

So I bought I book (that I have yet to read from work and all) about style, finding out who you are, how to love yourself and it sounds cheesy but I don’t love myself enough. I don’t have as much confident in the gray areas of my life and I really want to make all parts of me to good use.

Now the reason I’m writing all this is because finding myself is tricky land. It comes with a lot of “how you present yourself” and sets back on the thought of how God loves you rather than how people love you. So I really want for this journey of discovering my aesthetic with God together. I know that God loves me and finds me already worthy despite all my shame, and I don’t want this “loving myself” to come from other things that I surround myself with because I treat myself nice. I need to always come back to the ‘OG’ love that God is and remind myself that I can love myself the way I do because God can source me with that powerful love.

So if you are reading this right now, I would appreciate a little prayer over this phase that may or may not change me while I discover myself and how to make good use of my time (hopefully glorifying God and not me) but also motivating myself to get on with life already and stop being lazy because God loves me. I have the gifts, I just need the character and opportunity to use them and sitting home all day on Netflix won’t do anything so here I go.

Father God, I find myself on stammering waters where things are started to fog up but God help me to focus on your voice. Let me hear not from the books or from myself but from you. I’m sorry if I offend you by desiring more from myself but I hope you would reveal the truth of this matter. To be not of this world yet be the best I can be while I’m here (for you). In Jesus name. Amen