prayer

processing thoughts: perceptions and performance

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Why do I, or rather, why am I consumed by the idea hope that I will run into someone I know?
Yes, it’s a group of four, five specific people. It’s never my closest friends, or people I would happily say hello to, but rather the people I am no longer in talking relations with. I go into this 3rd person perspective and my facial muscles, my steps alter as I imagine they’re standing in the corner behind me or across the street right past my peripheral vision. I position myself in a scenario where I walk past them with either an expression of bliss or peace… confidence? (depending on that person). BUT WHY.

Perhaps I wish to convey a visual image of me doing “so well” or communicate “you missed out on awesomeness by rejecting me and by deciding I no longer bring value or joy in your life.” BUT WHY.

What is rooted so deep in me that I cannot just focus on my walking life? Why can’t I be more self-centered in these moments and not give a hoot about how I am perceived or could be perceived. Do I feel unsafe in crowded streets or cafes to be seen and perceived as doing “as they expected”… unchanged. The same broken person they once knew further affirming their decision for ending the thing that was once called us? Or is it just performance? To be percieved as evolved, more wiser, more full of grace than ever not to just them but to everyone I feel do not know me.

Unseen. Misunderstood. Nothing hurts more than revealing yourself and feeling unknown by the very people you spent time with. I once said I’d rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t truly know and understand my heart, mind, and soul.

Church community becomes more difficult by the year for the years add up but it’s impossible to gather the knowledge and understanding of every single person. And reverse applying that to myself, how do I present myself that is digestible for next brother or sister walking past me in the lobby of our church without being shallow.

“God’s perception of me is all that matters” but then why are we told to connect and experience the glory of God in one another?

Can there be that much abundance of grace for the person sitting next to me and for myself. Can I fully submit to the beauty of mystery and honor ones internal digestion of what’s perceived?

You just want to be liked by everyone. but why? I sink into my seat defeated unable to see intothe vast darkness that is my past and soul. Lord help me to unveil. You brought me here to break this chain of thought and feeling. What euphoria do I search for that is not in you. What hole am I filling? And how was this hole made in the first place? Lord I pray for you to meet me right now.

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Is my love not enough for you? Do you not trust the love I pour to you day after day. You are well loved. You are lovely. You are worthy of love. Everyone who is passionate for connection and glory in one another has this hole and so you are not alone. One day, when we meet you will not remember the days you put on the posture and performance. You will stand exuding your heart’s joy and light. You will just ‘be’. I break this chain. Eyes and heart and mind on me.

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If God takes our brokenness and redeems them to victory, then he can take the skewed, misjudged thoughts and perceptions of others, and myself and use them for his glory.

Lord, I am in awe that you can even claim victory over passing thoughts and judgements. Fleeting wisps of destruction, Lord, none goes past you and you grip the gaseous air by the neck and say be gone. God I trust in your working spirit in those around me and those no longer around me. I pray for deep grieving and surrendering of people who tie me to my flesh and look only towards your spirit. May my lungs ring victory and may the enemy quake in fear for there is no stakehold on walking thoughts. May your protect the stream of my subconscious and may your glory reign. I may not be done yet but until I hold my sword and shield again, you are near and I am loved. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

– think grapefruit and thank God.

October 30th, 2023. Hello @ thinkgrapefruit.com

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

2023. I cannot believe I am here once more and this was not on my own accord.

It seems God is leading me to types of “expression” or “art” that I don’t feel very confident in.

I can hear him now. “how would you know that it was me?”

I’ve come to realize I’m a very simple human, no schemes, no tricks. Not because I’m “holier than thou” but because I really don’t think my brain was built to handle such a maze of complex, algorithmic ideas that somehow streamline my goal. And God truly utilizes this and treats me so and I’m thankful. Thankful for a God who knows me and speaks simply and clearly because he knew, if I had confidence in what I do, I would have given the glory to my natural talent and pride myself on my skills rather than rely on his good spirit.

So here I am.

I would ask for grace for my literature and language for it’s filled with metaphors and I’m not quite literal or matter of fact when it comes to written communication, but I am just now grasping the celebration of how I think, how I write, how I speak and I cannot apologize for this now I believe this was how I was designed. (of course, I will still strive to activate parts of my weaker pockets of literacy and communicate in ways that could be understood by more).

So welcome. Welcome to you and welcome spirit of thought that was trusted to me for who knows how long.

I really don’t know what’s to come. (again you can tell it’s God working here because if it was up to me, you know I would dig hard into branding and finding a voice, tailoring it for an audience thanks to my 2D communication class sophomore year @ Parsons.)

But here’s a post just to get my fingers warmed up.
Here’s a post just to put in some work (oof speaking of, for some reason I cannot seem to do, I really think I may have adhd. maybe I’ll explore that later… !!)

Here’s to the beginning or perhaps middle of all that God had lead me towards/leading me into.

I am so scared you guys. But I’m just leaping in and saying “yes Lord” and I tear up because the Doris I knew for the past 4 years since my 2019 post wrestled to say this with confidence. I am no pastor, I am not a literate writer, I wasn’t born and raised Christian, nor did I read books as a hobby for fun (until I moved back to NYC – lots to update. maybe I’ll explore that as well later…. !). But this just seats me further into the seat of trust that this is beyond me.

Spirit, be kind. My flesh limits my soul. My soul, have grace and confidence for you are not in this alone. Father God, may I never forget why and how and for whom. I lift my time, the words, and whatever that’s to come to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Written by: A person just thinking grapefuit.

Proverbs 1.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(Yesterday, Sunday, I read a verse from Proverbs 3 and got me wanting to read the chapter. Also I did some reflecting on the past week and didn’t spend enough quality time with God and with his word… it’s been a while in general so back on that QT track hopefully.)

 

Proverbs 1. talks of wisdom, that fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (v.7) and two things; not having sinner entice you and the call of wisdom.

To me I think the call of wisdom stuck out to me more.

Proverbs 1:20-22
Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the markets she raises her voice; at the head of the noisy streets she cries out; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks: ” How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?

I love this comparison. I’ve been to an asian street market before when I visited Korea and all of them are screaming for people’s attention, about how their fish is the freshest, their meat is the tastiest and the all are calling out for potential customers. If you are not interested in buying specifically fish, it’s easy to just turn a blind eye and walk past them, no matter how hard they may try to call out to you.

I think in the same way, “knowing” God and his words is like trying to hear him say, “you are loved and saved!” beyond the noises of the streets that say, “buy this and that, that other person also has this and that” or “live for yourself! YOLO amirite?” We constantly are distracted by voices and visuals that lead us away from Christ.

It’s funny how it says “simple ones” and I was first thinking “simple lifestyle” and was like “what’s wrong with that?”. I later realized it means “simple minded” but to me they meshed into one this past month. I was trying to live a simple lifestyle with less to think about, but instead I became simple minded filtering out the importance of spending time with God out of my daily routines. *smh at myself*

 

Father God, help me to actually chase after your friendship once more. I was singing yesterday “I am friend of God” and it seemed so foreign. I pushed you to the security of father, who always loved and took advantage of your grace but as friends, I’ve failed. Help me to desire you as I’d expect a friend would for me. And I pray that as I continue reading your word, faith and courage would rise to trust you more and to re-live in your glory and kingdom. In Jesus name, Amen. 

 

Month of Work Life Reflection.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’ll go straight into it; the first week was amazing. God had shown so SO much GRACE… with such little things like someone giving me their cough drops from Canada or someone else holding an umbrella under my head while searching for my car keys after the drop off at the bus stop. Work itself was incredibly marvelous with one being so close and intimate like an apprenticeship for a small luxury business and the other walking around all day searching for fabrics (keeping me on my feet and not looking at numbers all day). He’s been… so good. And for once my parents (and friends) so proud to see me out and bout into the industry, using my degree, going to NYC 5 days a week, even I felt “settled” and “safe” or “getting my adult life going”.

But I can’t lie, there were moments sitting there thinking why am I not out there creating? Getting a steady income is great and all but I was once told “money will come, there are a million being made right now in a warehouse somewhere”. I say this with all financial reality in mind such as providing for a family, taxes, rent, etc. When I say I want to be an artist, I wish people didn’t have a stereotypical view on that career; lazy, hippy-like, avoiding responsibilities… and I think I’m afraid to tell people what I really want to be.

I never imagined myself working under someone after college, even in high school. I think some people are just born and raised to think about getting a degree to get a job to provide for yourself and family to inspire your children about the same cycle WHICH is not a bad thing. But when I looked at my life 10 years from middle school AND high school AND college, I saw myself creating. (I can just hear all the 50 year old parents shaking their heads reading this saying “pfftt. millennials”).

I don’t say this with a light heart, I want to become an artist. It’s not that I don’t want to do nothing or work hard, live the easy life… I just want to create. Maybe it’s the child in me that doesn’t want to escape but there has to be more to life than just one career and one direction to success.

God. I haven’t prayed to you in a while or sung to you or thought about you (more like ignore you) but I’ve discovered adult-ish things like building a reputation and self presentation and you’ve probably done your best to not let it consume me. But God, you know my heart more than I know it, all I want is to strive for happiness with all the dirt that comes with living life. So I pray would you surround me with people who can build up this hope/this dream that others might call childish and would you help me strive after you? Are my dreams part of your will? or are they something that I’ve just conjured up myself for my satisfaction? Does your will involve me in something I detest? I feel like I’m talking to the sorting hat in Harry Potter when Harry tries to convince the hat to put him in Gyriffindor. God I guess in the same why I’m asking to really be placed in somewhere I can creatively thrive. Please.
Thank You for today and Happy Belated Birthday Jesus. Thanks for indescribably everything. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.  

Prayer for the Fam.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This is a bit more personal but I wanted to type it out because I want to remember and record that I prayed for my family for myself. So sorry if the next few posts are just prayers.


God. I pray for my Mom. And our relationship. She thinks her way and I think my way and we collide every time. Can you put a heart of understanding and patience, gentleness in both our hearts. Let us be humble, cover our pride with love over and over. And I pray for a release of bitterness and self-righteousness in our hearts. I also pray over my brother, that you’d be with him today and bless his day at school, his interactions, with his friends, with questions about life. I pray that you’d give Him hope through lots of laughs but also the strenght to confront and work on his conflicting problems. I pray for his therapist, that she’d lead him to the right direction and maybe even that you’d speak through her.

Please be with us today, tomorrow, and the day after, like you have the days before today. In Jesus name. Amen. 

Father’s Heart.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I felt like I felt a bit of “Father’s Love” today. (*understatement after writing all this. then again how much of an understatement that other statement when Father’s Love is imcomprendably big… *poof mind blown*)

Our God is a God who loves, who asks for nothing in return other than our love for him, our faith in him and even with that we fail.

Today my dad and I talked finances and let me just say, I’ve been “privileged”. And I’m not sure if I can say blessed yet because my family isn’t christian and we don’t thank God for provision or pray before we eat… things like that. Anyway, I grew up getting most things what I want and in a very asian culture, family is family for life kinda way. My dad sent me through college and I won’t say the exact amount but let just say it was in NYC so that usually should sum the general amount. And it was agreed before I started college that I’d pay off half and even that is a BIG thank you. But today I talked with my dad about life and money and how much I had really spent with living expenses and I spoke to him about paying him back… and all he said to me was that he doesn’t expect me to pay him back. I’ve talked to him about this before and he said things like, “you’re my daughter, of course” or “it’s because I love you” but it never really had strike me until today; the relation of a Father’s heart.

Immediately a motivation to work hard and pay him off by surprise passed me knowing that the amount that was agreed to be paid off wouldn’t even make up for the life my dad’s given me throughout my 23 years. His hard work, sweat, and working everyday, even Sundays and holidays to give a life for his family… he ONLY TOOK NEW YEARS DAY OFF!… all to give his family a living…

In the same way, God doesn’t ask for anything in return. I don’t even think he asks for us to love him… (okay I’m sure he does somewhere in the bible) but he doesn’t really push it in our faces like, “why don’t you love me?! I did this this this this… ” and only when we need him to say it to remind us but only for our hearts and for us to know what he’d done for us. -sigh- He’s just loving us. Period. without expecting anything in return. That love, is so.. so.. soooo precious. I’ve fallen countless numbers of times, even when I was unaware of his blessings, I’ve just been taking good things … like I deserved them, like that gold sticker we get for sitting down to eat and listening well to the teachers… behaving! LOL MILLENNIALS.

God, first off.. just Thank you. on behalf of my family if thats possible for providing. For the store and the food in the refrigerator, THE REFRIGERATOR. I don’t think me, my sister, my brother, my parents stop enough to take a moment to think that although we are not well off, we are well off. “Everyday is thanksgiving.” I re-get that today. Thank you for my family, for the love that’s poured into it already beyond the brokenness… I don’t know what to say but I know what to do and it’s to just glorify your name in it all. And ya, people who don’t believe in you may say that is foolish, that my dad earned the money through his own heart, sweat, and hardwork, but there’s no way. There are so many people who put their heart, sweat, and hardwork into the things they love to have it fall. So thank you God for being present even when not all of us see you…
And second, thank you for your cross lord. Thank you for allowing me to rejoice with you in the fact that I can talk to you and feel you loving me and have me love you back. I’m so blind. So many times, yesterday, today, weeks ago, and sadly, most-likely, weeks to come… BUT *lol* you still love me, this defected human heart not even functional to do what’s it’s functioned to do which is to believe in you, your love, pour it upon each other, and back to you…

I’m sorry that I can’t be enough… 

and you still love, love faulty me, love the orphans that have yet to call you Abba.. 

I can’t grasp all of you, all of your love but I pray that you’d open my heart to seriously get most of it. I just am at a lost for words. YOU ARE GOOD. and I, through the many brokenness around me, have faith that your kingdom will come. Lord, let me never stop saying Thank you. You are really all I need so let me always come back to you, to this, to prayer, to talking with you. PRINCE OF PEACE. I love you. I pray all these things in your son’s awesome mighty lovely name, Amen. 

God’s version of Love.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Jesus knows that happy circumstances, safety, and pleasure bring only fleeting joy.  Eternal joy and eternal life cannot be found in such things. -AMI QT

I’m being questioned time and time again on God’s love; that it’s not the love we’re used to seeing surrounded by romantic dramas. I just want to proclaim my whole hearted love for him not because he can bring me blessings and good things, because it clearly states that following Jesus isn’t a easy path. I find myself sometimes thinking that my future is secure and happy if I love God but forget that it’s only through Jesus that it’s so. It’s going to be hard and difficult fighting against what the world says is beautiful, successful, or right. But through God, with him, I can rejoice in his joy.

God. I want to love you, not because of what I think you’ll give me or because I think you’ll love me in a way that’s my version of love. I want to love you and follow you because you are king and that’s the truth. Because you sent your son to die for my sins, so that I can have eternally life with you through all my flaws and because I want to build your kingdom. My heart breaks when I forget this truth, and I’m sure yours does too. Help me not to forget. Help me to live and breath your word, in your truth, love, and freedom. I love you God. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

 

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 4. Day 5.

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I didn’t upload anything because I had work all day and I honestly kept getting distracted from touching upon God’s word or presence. Wow how crazy weak.

But Day 4. Thursday in a jiffy was an annoying work day. Customers were annoying and I was annoyed so a lot of things came out not so pleasantly or lovely. Caught myself that I wasn’t glorifying God in any matter by being this way but these were all glimpses of thoughts. Like I said before, a lot of distractions and mor e annoyances but by the end of the day, I wanted to lead by love; my love for God. Although every day will not be a beautiful, relaxing, receive-God’s blessings day, I knew that all that mattered at the end of the day was worshipping his name and proclaiming my love for him.

Today Day 5. A friend finally responded to my text about me asking him if he had any prayer requests which I had sent 3 days ago. Anyway he responded and also asked if I was still feeling rejuvenated by Jesus. I responded and after clicking send, I don’t know why but a wave of realization hit me. People, my brothers and sisters prayed for me; and I have yet to thank them. And thank God for the people that he has blessed me with in my life for everything…

How flawed we are to really take things for granted.

God. Thank you. Thank you for day 4 and 5 on this renewed journey and I’m sure there will be but hopefully not more day 4 and 5 where you pick me up and put me back on solid ground. But on top of that, thank you for today for having me realize how precious the people, the brothers and sisters that surround me are. The few that really know me down to my flaws and the people who still accept and embrace me through love, I don’t deserve this love in anyway or form. But God as I’ve heard in rap songs, Blessings on blessings on blessing. God you are so good and when I don’t even deserve it. I love you God. I pray for these relationships that we would continually remind each other of your joy and goodness through our own actions and that you’d be glorified in the love we share for one another. You’re so great God. I love you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen