Love

Matthew 26 – Falling

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s the beginning of the climax. The last supper, Judas’s betrayal, Peter’s denial; it all makes me sad how these men who were Jesus’s disciples, his right hand men would turn their backs on him. How lonely Jesus must have felt to knowing they would fail him. I remember years ago, I picked up my phone at the last ring and the friend, thinking that I didn’t pick up, starting speaking poorly of me while I listened on the other end. At that moment my faith in my friends vanished; who where these people I called friends? I wonder if Jesus felt anger and disappointment but just stayed calm because it was his father’s will to cover our sins. I also wonder if in my life I’ll ever deny or betray Jesus as Peter or Judas did. As of now, I have no problem sharing my faith and not feeling ‘not cool’ when I tell my friends I can’t make it to their hangout because I have church events. But if America was under the conditions in other countries where personal beliefs weren’t allowed and the penalty was death would I still believe? Would I declare my faith moments before my coming death?

41Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Father God, this passage revealed to me how easy it is to fall into temptation and failure. You were living among your disciples and your presence was right there yet they fell. Lord help me and build me so that my flesh would also be willing to shout your name and declare that you are my King. I pray that you would deliver me from evil and temptation, that you would have a strong hold on my heart, protect it and guard it. Thank you for allowing me to have freedom in believing you and being able to freely share about your kingdom and glory. I love you, In Jesus name, Amen.

Matthew 25 – God Gave us a Gift

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

In the end of Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25, (v. 14-30) the Master told the one who brought back what was the Master’s without any interest, 28So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

I thought about what this meant and to me it represents the freedom and gift of salvation he gave us. It’s a great gift that we don’t deserve but we received it but as a Pastor once said, it’s not a permanent golden ticket. Here in the parable it shows it necessary for us to do something about the salvation we received. Instead of questioning and doubting my faith in God about career and Christian life for the future, I should just do what I know is true that pleases him like spending more time with him and just doing my work to build up my career rather than trying to figure out everything before I start. 

Verse 28 humors me because it reminds me of my mom trying to feed me something and I was too late to respond so she passed it over to my brother and missed out on good food. Not only will our gifts from God will be taken away but given to someone who can use it for His Kingdom. When he puts it that way, I want to be more jealous for this precious gift that he gave and work to build his Kingdom.

Father God in Heaven, thank you for opening my eyes to this awesome gift of salvation. Lord it’s a bit different here on earth with your gift all in good ways only that sometimes I’m blind to your goodness. Lord I pray that you would continue to unravel your truth through scripture and with spirit and relinquish any form of darkness and lies from my heart. I keep forgetting I was a slave to this world trying to follow what the world called beautiful and right. Thank You God for sending Jesus to call us beautiful and worthy. Help me to work for your Kingdom, be motivated and enthusiastic to work for your everlasting kingdom and lead me on the right path in the wilderness. Thank You for my community and thank you for opening up my heart again from bitterness. I love you, In Jesus name, Amen.

I no longer a slave to fear
I am a Child of God

No longer Slaves – Bethel Music

Matthew 10

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Recently my parents have been burdening my heart. My mom gave up Christianity when my brother was going through a hard time in school. “There is No God who would put me and my family through this kind of stress,” she said. My dad tried Christianity but kept to his ways of his southern korean tradition of “being a men”. “I will never shed tears because I am a man and your dad.” And being an overly emotional person, I cry at sad endings, frustrations, joys and it’s just a messy conversation when the three of us start talking about life and future and ‘what is right’.

34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
 

It kinda threw me into shock after reading Matthew 10:34-39. It also made me think of Matthew 8: 21-22 Another of the disciples said to him, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.” My first thought is God What? Didn’t you place me in this family for me? To think that God may ask me to turn away from my family to do his work is unsettling for me. Yes we get into argument and it’s not a perfect family but I love my family. If my whole family were to perish right now, I’m sure I would grow bitter at God.
Now thinking about how I would react and realize how much I hold on to my family so dearly must mean I’m still attached to this world. My brother once asked me, If you were to die right now, what would be the last thing you’d want to do? I thought about it and responded Say my goodbyes. It’s weird to think that God may not give me that opportunity or even have me turn against my family but if I think of the future for my kids, I would want them to rely on God’s unending love because I’m bound to fail somewhere. By revealing this passage I think God’s speaking to me that it’s okay that your parent and you are arguing. My name does that sometimes… *chuckles.

Father God, help me to grow into a wise, loving daughter of my parents but also to grow into a women of Christ that is willing to follow you for your greater purpose. Just like how we need to cut ties with bad influences such as friends in our lives, I think maybe it’s okay to cut the bad ties and influences our parents have on us like the words, ” You are unworthy”. Father you call me worthy, daughter, and child. Let this not be a rebel against my parents but have this become the strength that may lead them towards to understanding their place in your heart as well. Father help me to come to understand more of taking up my cross. Lord I pray for my future husband and family, children, I pray that they would love you more and rely more on your providence while respecting the family you have given them. My family is not eternal so Lord let my comfort come from my Father in Heaven and abide in you. In Jesus name, Amen.

All I need is you Lord
is you Lord
All I need is you Lord

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

Galatians 6 / Ephesians 1

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I decided at the end of my semester that I would serve in the college ministry again although I would have been a graduate. I knew that post-grad life would be a difficult time for someone like me who likes to explore and try many new things. With all this free time knowing that I won’t be attending school (as of now) anymore, I was bound to get distracted and even lose the importance of why I decided to grow in my faith. Thankfully, I have somewhat came back from drifting a far and truthfully have an eager heart to grow with God once more.
Entering (as our church calls it) Apprenticeship the second year around, I feel different than I did last year. I feel calmer and less hyped but just peaceful in the fact that I know that God will do wonders if we let him lead us, but I know for him to lead us, we need to have a spirit filled vessel. Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. reminds me that during this process and serving, I too need to keep an eye on myself and not be tempted. I think too much serving can also lead to distraction from the actual relationship with God. A friend once said that she confused love for God as serving; that by serving she thought she was showing love for God but disregarded the intimacy with him in prayer with her heart and His presence. I hope to enter this serve this year securely in God’s faith so that I may be able to serve my brothers and sisters and encourage them to walk in God’s truth.

Ephesians 1:13
In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit,

Father God, let me be able to be so secure in who you are and what you have done for me. Let me be able to walk in your Spirit and follow where you lead. Let me not be afraid of rejection or fear and walk in your light and truth. Father, I want to be more like you, prepare my heart to see the way you do. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Being filled in Prayer

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday, for our college ministry’s last summer thursday fellowship, I felt something amazing.
So first off, to be honest, I had not Prayed with the intention of praying for a while before thursday and when we finished discussion, we went into prayer and something just hit me.
POOF!
It was like a bridge was reconnected to me and I was reconnected to God and everything glorious that came with him, and all in an instant I felt this sudden soft explosion of every cell in my body being filled with gold dust. Right then, I felt complete and full, satisfied and felt God excited, “This is what is it to be in prayer!”
All my insecurities vanished and my heart was filled with so much Joy. I was worthy of everything that God had to offered me and the feeling of completion was ravishing.

Lord, I lift this prayer up to you, thanking you for sending your son to die for us so that we may be able to be so easily filled with your life with something so simple yet precious as a prayer through faith. God there are no words to describe the vast amount of spirit that you fill us with but Lord may I enter into prayer knowing that your breath brings us to completion. Thankyou for being excited for us and exciting us to speak with you more. I love you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Sin “Cavity”

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m sure many has had this image before or heard of the metaphor to ‘rid of the cavity’. But I’ll just share.
So this past week, not exactly sure when, (past Sunday?) I had this vision of a tooth and it was centered with a deep cavity and this cavity was our sin. But God came and made it new, cleaned out the cavity and it was now a clean hole in the tooth but instead of filling it with Filling, worldly possessions (“trash”) was filling up the hole.
It had me questioning my heart, “am I currently doing this? Filling this space that God cleaned out with my things?”

Father, I pray that I would have a heart so willing for you to fill me with your Love, Glory, and Purity. I know that if I fill it with my own things, I will feel pain again so God help me not to be tempted and let me focus on your spirit and love. In Jesus name, Amen.

Galatians 5 – Freedom in Christ

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Wow, has this chapter just hit all the points for me.

v1. For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
v16. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. v17. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

I’m greatly attracted to all things “Freedom”, and  I thought being Christian was following rules that didn’t allow you to rebel and do what you felt like doing. But this past year I realized that through Christ, true freedom was offered; freedom from fears and even death and it was the greatest feeling of all.
Being back in New Jersey, I’m experiencing a lot of “freedom”. I’m doing what I want, seeing friends whenever, doing what I’d like whenever I’d like, and breathing in a relaxed day by day life under the roof of my parents. After a while, life doesn’t seem so bad, without Christ, but verse 1 reminds me again that this pattern and thoughts of “freedom” are all what the world calls freedom. I’m surrounded by so much relaxation that I don’t feel the stress of the world, that there is no need for a greater power. I always come back to the question, “Why am I Christian?” Then following, “why are you trying to hard to read and love and keep this relationship with Him? Why don’t you just do what you want and go back to being Christian later?” And I sometimes chuckle at how silly that question sounds.
I know that on my own, yea, maybe I’ll be able to do what I want, say what I want, think and feel what I want and just live life to bring myself high and try to leave something of worth on this earth for generations to see me as one of the Greats next to Presley, Hepburn, or Picasso. But I know with God, I’m living for a greater purpose, God’s Kingdom and my name in His kingdom. I’m living free from what the world tells me how I should act like or look like but as a perfect, worthy child of God. I know that I’ll fail time and time again and the world that surrounds me will fail me but I’ll have someone who will never fail with his Love, Grace, and Promise. And I think of how much Greater He is, chuckle, and shake my head at myself for thinking of being a slave to the world once more.

Father God, How precious is your love for me. How loved are we for you to keep loving us even though we seem to fail you just because you know you can use us to do great things in your name for your name. God let me not be tempted to this world, let me not listen the voices but listen to your most reassuring voice that speaks to me with such kindness. God I ask once again for you to check my heart and send a shaking to get rid of anything that distracts me from your Kingdom. God, your breath is the ultimate freedom, in your light we’re able to do wonders so Lord I pray, let me be attracted to your heart. I want to know you more, I want to seek you everyday and be more aware of your presence. Remind me time and time again that you provide the best for me, so help me take up my cross to follow you. In Jesus name, Amen.

This world has nothing for me, I will follow you ~
// Your love has ravished my heart, so pull me a little closer~

Social Media and God

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So here’s my opinion, or the way I think when it comes to social media and God.

I see a lot of people sharing the Gospel, quoting the Bible, and really loving God through social media and its not being ashamed but I guess I’m just not like that because I can’t. Maybe it’s because until recently social media was used to Glorify me, my name. I mean Instagram, Twitter – FOLLOW ME and you don’t even care if you don’t know the person, it’s just about the numbers of how others sees your page. And even FB now has so many friends that you wanted to keep connected with but are not really close to and your is still trying to be like, “hey I’m still that cool person you met at that one hangout.” So because of this distance of we’re connected but not really, I’ve been having a hard time trying to use it to Glorify God’s name. So many times I’ve felt reluctant to post something serious because of the “judgement” I think I would face.
I recently posted on FB a confession on my state of … I guess spiritual thinking.

Confession: (So this is something that I’ve been struggling with and I’ve told a few friends but I just want to get it out there for the sake of breathing) I want to stop worrying about how everyone will see me and start relying on how God sees me. Because the only person to satisfy is Him and myself through Him. I don’t want to think before every move, “what is this person going to think of this?” And I’m thinking now, “why limit myself?”. I want to be who I am and not feel like the world’s watching and think it matters, even though they prob don’t because honestly in the end, no one’s watching, no one cares, because they’re worried about their lives. There were so many times this past year where I wanted to post struggles and pains that I was going through but in fear of judgement from people I call “friends”, I just couldn’t. I told myself, “they don’t care” “stop trying to look sad on fb” “stop trying to get sympathy” but I cut out my own worth from myself and the people around me. I tried so hard to make it seem like my life was, “okay” that everything was happy, good, fine because I didn’t want to seem like a failure. I didn’t want to give the 2%ers a chance to say “hahhahhh! she’s going through sh**t”. Because of that pride, I spreaded myself thin to be everything I knew was happy good and fine. Even writing this seems pretty lame in my head …ew Doris you’re 22, what are you doing?” But It really breaks a person when she tries to be something she’s not. I don’t want envy, I don’t need jealousy, I don’t want to live to please other people, but please the God that’s in me without hiding or faking who I am. I’m so filthy yet He somehow still seems to love me. I sometimes feel so torn between who I have to be in fashion and who I have to be in Christ. And with who I was and who I am. I stop who I’ve become or growing into because of the fear that the new me/the changing me will shoo away the people who knew me as something else. And I truly dislike the fact that I’m so easily affected by the people around me. That I’m not true to myself, that I’m not my own rock. I want to love myself for who I am, for what I believe, for all the filthiness that God has cleansed, and for the worth I have in His name.

See even now copying and pasting this on here – WordPress is weird to me. I guess I keep thinking… is this to glorify me or God? But I know God broke a barrier of worth when I clicked post and didn’t keep it to “only me”. Maybe I don’t see that God has provided me with a community to help encourage and support one another… When did I lose trusting in my friends? Or maybe because when other people do it, I see it as them using God’s name to Glorify themselves. I guess another thing is going to down for “Filthy Me” for the sinful way I think. But it’s difficult to differentiate the purpose of posting things whether it’d be me or friends.

…
Through this (just now), God is telling me (the same thing I heard once before) stop trying to wander around and find the sin. Focus on me, my Glory and My love for you, and all will be well *smiley face. And it’s really unprofessional but ‘lol’ to the smiley face because he says it with such simplicity and kindness when I’m scratching head, feeling heartache for answers that I know.
Just Pray.

God, life is so filled with so many distractions. Everything is so ‘beautiful and sensual’ and I can’t help but get distracted. *lol because I really am weak. I can’t commit to things on my own and with your spirit, your presence I can. Maybe too many times I doubt the power in your name. Jesus I call to you now to set a whole new level of thirst in me for you. I want to bask in your goodness, breathe the breath you’ve provided and stop acting so foolish, setting you aside for things of this world that will soon fade. God let me pray with you, spend time with you, on and off social media. Let my worlds be one in you for God you are my core. Let my heart not be hindered from you. Let my soul rest in your name for you are God alone. I want to be able to scream JESUS IS LORD everyday with no fear of how others will see me. Lord guide me as I use social media as a tool for your glory rather than mine and continue to build me into the daughter of Christ you made out to be. Lord you are with me, you give me comfort and I am forever grateful. Thankyou for blessing me with such Joy with my siblings today and I pray that your presence would shine through this day. In Jesus name. Amen.

OBADIAH

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

sidenote: I’ve been recently behind on my reading so one day I just sat down and read all of Amos. Then, in one of the Ami QT’s it said, “A great question to ask while reading any Bible passage is, “What does this reveal about our God?” so I decided to expand or pray on every passage (even if at times it may feel as though nothing was grasps other than the wrath towards the Israelites).

Obadiah v12

12 But do not gloat over the day of your brother
in the day of his misfortune;
do not rejoice over the people of Judah
in the day of their ruin;
do not boast
in the day of distress.
After reading this it kinda stopped me. Church and no church, the community is similar in the fact that people still have flaws and not everyone gets along with everyone. There was a time (not so much anymore that I’m living away from large social settings and the fact that it’s summer break) where I hoped not-the-best for a brother or sister. And this person was someone who looked as if they had it all and got away with it all. In my head, whenever they did an act where I felt was morally wrong, I was like, “God, I know you will judge them, give them a hardship to fix this flaw.” It sounds embarrassing thinking of it now because what do I know. God could have already have been in the process of other things and his timing is better than mine. Anyway, I just couldn’t wait till that moment came where God would reveal their flaw, when they would go through a hard time and realize their failures
Verse 12 reminded me of the envious heart I had. Even when it’s not God and its sin bringing misfortune in their lives, rather than being happy that “my life is better than theirs” and mind speaking, “HA-HHAHH!” I want a heart like God’s, that aches for them to seek God’s word’s and comfort.
Father, we are so unclean with so many flaws. But Lord I pray that you would continue to shape my heart like yours. Knowing that we all have flaws, yet you continue to love us. Thankyou God for sending your son to wipe away our flaws and have us be able to talk to you simply through prayer. Lord, I pray that whenever animosity comes towards another brother, sister, or nonbeliever, that your peace would settle in my heart knowing that you are sovereign. In Jesus name, Amen.