life

2019 Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

WOWOW. It’s been a hot minute, or rather two years and 4 months since I’ve written anything on this platform. Does anyone still follow this account?? if so, hello.

In the time that passed since my last post, I’ve stopped posting publicly about all my thoughts and feelings, just as someone might not upload every conversation they had with a friend or family member, I’ve turned to a more “private” person. Prayers and realizations unless I’m urged with the spirit to share are kept between me and God.

God has been nonetheless good. I look back to April 2017 when I was working at a 9-5 job in a cubicle and now where I still struggle with my many aspirations and so much has changed. My confidence in the worth I have for me from God, and seeing God move, work, speak has been magnified.

From OTR, AMI women’s conference, Experiencing God, to many failures and disappointments, as well as fasts, and playing bass on Worship Team all while working at sketch events has been… so filling. God has never left my side and he doesn’t plan on leaving soon.

Dear future Doris in 2 years I’m guessing, when you look back to 2019, I hope you’re filled with awe once more for our God. I can’t imagine who I’ll be in 2021 and how much more firmly I’ll be grounded in my faith and my identity but I’m sure God has been Good through it all. He’s brought me this far and he doesn’t owe me another step yet I’m overwhelmed by his affection for me right now. I feel so watched over, I feel so guided and advised away from things that’ll slow down all the gifts he has given me and propelled towards love, life, and freedom. Like I could yell Jesus is Lord from my gut, that’s the kind of Love that I’ve been living and breathing in. Hopefully you are not in that room still… but if you are.. it’s okay, 2019 Doris still loves you for it.

It’s less proving my worth, so it’s not likely that I’ll be back anytime soon… but you’ll see me again when I feel ever so urged by the spirit to share and encourage because my cup has been so filled and I need to share the living water overflow.

Until then, I wish for grace and empowerment.

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Sunday 8.21.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“I didn’t want to come today.
But I did, For Ally, to not bail.
God I am yours & you are mine
I am your child.
You asked me “How can I help you?”
I’m asking Lord to give me..
something to be passionate for.
This world is too sad for me.
I’m stuck in the dark now,
would your spirit bring me truth?”

–

I wrote this in my journal before service started, not knowing the blessings to come that day.

Backstory of what I’ve been going through. I’ve been sad for about a month now. Around the end of July, everything that I held close to me fell apart. Starting with family, I started feel resentment and bitterness towards my brother for not trying; not trying to get better, seeing the pessimistic outcome of everything, shutting down my optimism, I eventually felt no love for him. I could have cared less what would happen to him because why do I have to try when he’s not even trying or showing that he wants to get better? Next to this all my close friends that I see on a weekly basis were all physically / distance wise dispersing from me; either going to grad school in PennState, visiting dad in Japan, vacation in Cali, missions in Ohio… they were all .. so far from me. And behind it all was the question that’s been lingering for a year, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Eventually I couldn’t find peace. God existed but I couldn’t seem to access his peace while working at my dad’s retail store pricing, cashiering, through the thank-yous, have-a-nice-days; I was suffocating. And I fell into a existential crisis spiral. Whats the point? What’s the point of working hard to build a career and hoping for a future when I could die at any point and all the hard work will die with me.

Temporarily I felt better, when I was with friends, when I was hanging out with my brother and sister at Dave and Busters, doing the leisurely things. I sought after fearlessness in God’s love and tried to like as if I would die tomorrow. It helped a little to get my work produced. I even took on the title “artist” over “fashion designer” because I felt so boxed in the idea of who a fashion designer is. But all in all, I didn’t feel like myself. A part of me died and it was the hopeful part of me; the optimist, open-minded, 2nd chance giving, everyone-loving part. I felt like a negative black aura ball of annoying bitterness and sadness and didn’t know if I could ever get back to this old me. Looking at old picture of me smiling made me sad inside that this girl was no longer with me. (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s genuinely how I felt.)

Then it was Sunday. John 6:12. Feeding of 5 thousand, Walking on Water, Immediate Desperation. 3 things struck in from Paster Joe’s message.

Are you after his providence? Or Him?
I am, is here.
Believe in Jesus.

I realized my sadness came from searching for more. There was a day during my moping when I told God, God, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied of this world. And this came from my previous desire to want to experience the world, adventure, travel, breathe in what it means to be alive and risk dangers, work hard, hit success etc etc.
My flaw was this. I stopped holding God’s hand through it all. I stopped depending on his spirit and tried flying on my own with God on a leash. God if I fall, you’ll catch me. If things get hard while trying to do this, you’re going to give me your strength right? I stopped living for God and tried living for myself with God as a safety. SMH at myself.

“Jesus where were you? We want more food!”
“Do not look for food that will spoil, look for food that endures eternal life.”
“What are we supposed to do? how do we get what we are looking for?”
“Believe in Jesus. If we go looking for jewels in Jesus’s hands, we will ALWAYS BE UNSATISFIED. What we need to do is want JESUS.” – Paster Joe.

John 6:29 The work of God is this: to BELIEVE in the one he has sent.” 

–

God. I learned today that you should lead. Lead me to your glory. You are not part of my story, I am part of yours. I tried, on my own & with you to think of how to be successful, to seek happiness and I found none. No hope for my future. “Do you know your future?” Whether life goes well or unfortunately, Will you constantly provide for your will to be done. For your glory to shine and all I want to be is a part of your kingdom.
So God, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what’d best for me. I don’t know what path I’ll choose to be satisfied. But God, serving you, to be near you, to be with you a the end of this tunnel, that will satisfy my soul. Not what you give. Not what you do. not what you fill me with. God, I seek you. I seek your son Jesus, and his heart in all this that I most likely won’t comprehend.
Remind me to never let go of your hand, remind me to seek your presence in all I do for you. Remind me that you love me in such a remarkable way. Remind me of your cross and remind me that you are here. Lead me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen. 

–

After service, I found myself breathing easy again. I escaped to have a personal retreat away from friends and family and read Crazy Love (given to me as a bday gift from Ally lol “it all circles around”) by Francis Chan and it was amazing. I feel hopeful again. I feel like I have purpose again and relayed (for like the 5th time) a new foundation to what I want to pursue.

My Passion? : To love God First, seek his glory and eternity, to encourage and share God’s glory. To act on God’s words, not mine.

I know that these are all words until it’s actually done and it’s not like I’m better over night. I’m currently fasting, and praying for a desire for Jesus again. And I have.. SO MUCH to work on like humility and patience, but I have hope. Praise Jesus.

 

I Quit.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

financial-checklist-before-quitting-your-job
Feb 6. 2016
I Quit my Job.

Okay not quit today but I told my dad today that I want to stop working in his store and it’s with a heavy heart but I needed to opt-out because I felt stuck.

It first started off as simply helping the family but for the past few weeks I was in a cycle of saying that I’m going to get work done (for my fashion career) and never getting anything done as I’d hoped and feeling discouraged and disappointed. I love my family and I love helping them but being here isn’t where I can fully help them and help myself and I realized after I said that I would quit that it was the right decision. I no longer feel like I’m in limbo but on a deadline to find a job now that I am no longer financially supported by my family. Honestly I’ve lived such a privileged life; life has been handed to me, my car, my tuition and it’s at a point where I know I can’t grow to be a fully responsible adult if I don’t take matter into my own hands. I need to struggle for my own life and stop being so afraid to face adult life/job life.

My Pastor once spoke about finding out God’s will and how we’ll feel right while doing work for his glory and something about where I was didn’t feel right. When I think about my journey in fashion, something about it, although I know I’m going to struggle through bumps and face sooo many challenges, feels right. I think it’s where God’s going to reveal himself to and where I can grow with full potential and I’m so excited to start it.

One thing that threw me off was the fact that my mom didn’t have faith in me after I told her I quit. I don’t want to face my career trying to prove a point to my mom but I can’t help but feel sad that she sees her regrets and mistakes as a parent when she sees me. But here’s to so many changes in life but facing them all with God.

God, first thankyou for this day where I was able to break the pressure of being a daughter to my parents and allowing me to be selfish for my career in the most loving way. You have provided me with so much already and I can feel that you’re ready to provide me with so much more as I face this career that you’ve lead me to. Thank you for having faith in me and thank you for my family group that also has so much faith in me. I pray that you’d provide hope for my mom and reveal to her a new light and truth on life. I have faith in you and your timing God that she will one day see the joy in hoping and striving for more in life through the struggles that we face. Protect me and help me to use this lent season for your glory and to be pushed beyond my limits. God I’m just so overwhelmed by your grace and love and all that you’ve done for me to be here at this point at peace. I love you God and I pray that you’d bless this season to be full of wisdom and patience but also proactiveness in your kingdom. In Jesus name, Amen.  

 

 

John 19 / Life

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I always get heavy hearted and teary while reading about Jesus’s Crucifixion. Sad fact though, I did not know they had three versions of Jesus’s death on Luke, John, and Matthew. Comes to show how little I know about the bible and how much I have yet to learn.

So I finished reading my book on style and I feel no different really. Maybe a little more energized to pursue things in life but with what purpose? I end up spiraling in questions (which is a good thing at times) about my intentions for investing my time into things like uploading a post or starting a project.

Recently I’ve been thinking about creating a blog, more than just think.grapefruit where I journal where I can share the things I do the work I enjoy doing but downside, it’ll eat up my time for doing the ‘important stuff’ like doing my QT or finding a job in fashion.

“There is no right way,” I told myself; for almost everything like reaching success and entering a career in the industry. But I’m sure with God, there is a righteous way where it would honor him rather than following my own signals to pursue a career thats only temporary.

My dad’s uncle on my grandmother’s side recently passed away. There he was laying in his coffin neatly placed, resting before me an empty vessel, leaving the world behind. So when I think of doing things, I always think… will this thing I do be seen in God’s eyes?

In the end and the answer I’m trying to avoid is, am I doing this for me or for other people or for God? And it’s a tricky answer because how is writing a blog (not on daily devotionals) for God? and it leads to questions like “Does everything in my life have to be devoted to God?”

I’m working now, at my dad’s newly opened store basically assistant manager taking care of the store, cashiering, moving clothes around, and a bunch of other small tasks, reporting big new back to my dad when he comes back from other errands. Now I have a paycheck coming in which I really didn’t think about because after paying for my tuition, it’s okay dad, you REALLY don’t have to but he does to show that work pays off. So now I have a weekly salary and I’ve been using it up like daddy’s little gold digger. Surprisingly today I was driving home and thought, does this mean I have to start putting money in the offering box on Sundays? But I’m still poor recent graduate without a steady income not really at my real job. Then the thought of Jesus’s Crucifixion came up, how he didn’t sacrifice an arm or leg for us but his whole self; how the poor (samaritans?) gave up everything yet the tax collector who had so much to spare gave up so sparingly. There my answer was pretty clear.

And going back to devoting everything in my life to God, I don’t think its an extreme case of making sure the water was approved before drinking it by God but knowing the foundations for the reasons I do things.

God didn’t create a blob like the million other blobs that live around me; he created a unique individual soul with gifts and talents that would glorify God and he loved it through all the mistakes he knew he or she was going to make. I am different than my brothers and sisters and I love dancing, illustrating, singing (not so well I’m told), designing, thinking, believing, trying new things and I think it’s something to celebrate because God put all those things in me to make up who I am. I’m still not sure how people can so confidently post on fb about God’s love for them on a picture that doesn’t reference the writing that goes with it and get a jillion likes but I I’m starting to think it all comes from the heart of loving who you are, that is, God’s most precious, loved child.

And yes, there are still times that God’s love amazes me to the point of doubting this perfect love all together, but in the end I’d rather look like a fool that found freedom from fear and worries than following what the world says is ‘cool’.

God, there’s never a day like today, right now, to worship you and to love you. No matter what situation and circumstance, whether I’m doing nothing or if I’m traveling to Italy on vacation, let me always think of you and all that you’ve done for me. My life is literally not my own, I don’t call the shots because I’m better off not calling the shots. God help me to be courageous in the things I do, the words I say, let me be wise but still true to myself in the way I speak and move so that I may not lose myself. God, this blog thing is all really tricky in my head but Lord I love all parts of me that want to express in a shape, form, moment, 2D, 3D and I want to be doing that in a way that still honors you. Help me to always give thanks for the mercy, grace and blessings you provide each day. Make me into a more thankful person and be able to smile at the gifts you’ve provided. And so, Lord I thank you for my family that supports me and for providing me with them and providing them with finances and joy. I thank you for this precious time where I’m able to elaborate my thoughts deeper with you and where I’m able to reconnect with my one Savior, my one place of freedom. Help me to refine myself and I pray for more of your heart in me. Thank you for the cross God, thank you for your word and always remind me of the love you give so freely. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Current Life Update

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been 4 months since I’ve graduated and I’m still at home not working but serving the college ministry and tending to my family’s need. No matter how embarrassing it may sound to some people, I’m updating so I can do something about it and really try and motivate myself to move and get things going. I’ve think I’ve over welcomed my leisurely stay at home and spend way to long munching on food while watching tv shows and making excuses to spend time with my siblings.

So this month is dedicated to me working on the things I have to get done to get things going. I’ve been saying I’ll start up August, then September and September literally just flew by and I really want to find a job before the year is up so that I may be able to encounter new things God has in store for me in the industry.

Father God, my heart is so big for you kingdom and just serving in the ministry and being inactive in this gift that you gave me to create, Lord let me not be afraid and walk as a warrior to face the contradictions in the culture of this industry and do works to be able to give back to the church and your people. Father I pray for a heart in me that is motivated and I need you back to be my coach pushing me through not only my spiritual life but blessings that you’ve given me on earth. Fill me with your spirit of Power and Self-Control and all things love to always fuel me. I love you God, we can do this! In Jesus name, Amen.

For those reading, please pray for my motivation as well! Thank you!

Being filled in Prayer

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday, for our college ministry’s last summer thursday fellowship, I felt something amazing.
So first off, to be honest, I had not Prayed with the intention of praying for a while before thursday and when we finished discussion, we went into prayer and something just hit me.
POOF!
It was like a bridge was reconnected to me and I was reconnected to God and everything glorious that came with him, and all in an instant I felt this sudden soft explosion of every cell in my body being filled with gold dust. Right then, I felt complete and full, satisfied and felt God excited, “This is what is it to be in prayer!”
All my insecurities vanished and my heart was filled with so much Joy. I was worthy of everything that God had to offered me and the feeling of completion was ravishing.

Lord, I lift this prayer up to you, thanking you for sending your son to die for us so that we may be able to be so easily filled with your life with something so simple yet precious as a prayer through faith. God there are no words to describe the vast amount of spirit that you fill us with but Lord may I enter into prayer knowing that your breath brings us to completion. Thankyou for being excited for us and exciting us to speak with you more. I love you. In Jesus name, Amen.