heart

Father’s Heart.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I felt like I felt a bit of “Father’s Love” today. (*understatement after writing all this. then again how much of an understatement that other statement when Father’s Love is imcomprendably big… *poof mind blown*)

Our God is a God who loves, who asks for nothing in return other than our love for him, our faith in him and even with that we fail.

Today my dad and I talked finances and let me just say, I’ve been “privileged”. And I’m not sure if I can say blessed yet because my family isn’t christian and we don’t thank God for provision or pray before we eat… things like that. Anyway, I grew up getting most things what I want and in a very asian culture, family is family for life kinda way. My dad sent me through college and I won’t say the exact amount but let just say it was in NYC so that usually should sum the general amount. And it was agreed before I started college that I’d pay off half and even that is a BIG thank you. But today I talked with my dad about life and money and how much I had really spent with living expenses and I spoke to him about paying him back… and all he said to me was that he doesn’t expect me to pay him back. I’ve talked to him about this before and he said things like, “you’re my daughter, of course” or “it’s because I love you” but it never really had strike me until today; the relation of a Father’s heart.

Immediately a motivation to work hard and pay him off by surprise passed me knowing that the amount that was agreed to be paid off wouldn’t even make up for the life my dad’s given me throughout my 23 years. His hard work, sweat, and working everyday, even Sundays and holidays to give a life for his family… he ONLY TOOK NEW YEARS DAY OFF!… all to give his family a living…

In the same way, God doesn’t ask for anything in return. I don’t even think he asks for us to love him… (okay I’m sure he does somewhere in the bible) but he doesn’t really push it in our faces like, “why don’t you love me?! I did this this this this… ” and only when we need him to say it to remind us but only for our hearts and for us to know what he’d done for us. -sigh- He’s just loving us. Period. without expecting anything in return. That love, is so.. so.. soooo precious. I’ve fallen countless numbers of times, even when I was unaware of his blessings, I’ve just been taking good things … like I deserved them, like that gold sticker we get for sitting down to eat and listening well to the teachers… behaving! LOL MILLENNIALS.

God, first off.. just Thank you. on behalf of my family if thats possible for providing. For the store and the food in the refrigerator, THE REFRIGERATOR. I don’t think me, my sister, my brother, my parents stop enough to take a moment to think that although we are not well off, we are well off. “Everyday is thanksgiving.” I re-get that today. Thank you for my family, for the love that’s poured into it already beyond the brokenness… I don’t know what to say but I know what to do and it’s to just glorify your name in it all. And ya, people who don’t believe in you may say that is foolish, that my dad earned the money through his own heart, sweat, and hardwork, but there’s no way. There are so many people who put their heart, sweat, and hardwork into the things they love to have it fall. So thank you God for being present even when not all of us see you…
And second, thank you for your cross lord. Thank you for allowing me to rejoice with you in the fact that I can talk to you and feel you loving me and have me love you back. I’m so blind. So many times, yesterday, today, weeks ago, and sadly, most-likely, weeks to come… BUT *lol* you still love me, this defected human heart not even functional to do what’s it’s functioned to do which is to believe in you, your love, pour it upon each other, and back to you…

I’m sorry that I can’t be enough… 

and you still love, love faulty me, love the orphans that have yet to call you Abba.. 

I can’t grasp all of you, all of your love but I pray that you’d open my heart to seriously get most of it. I just am at a lost for words. YOU ARE GOOD. and I, through the many brokenness around me, have faith that your kingdom will come. Lord, let me never stop saying Thank you. You are really all I need so let me always come back to you, to this, to prayer, to talking with you. PRINCE OF PEACE. I love you. I pray all these things in your son’s awesome mighty lovely name, Amen. 

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Retreat. Renewed Relations

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was extra long.

It started with leaving NJ Wednesday night for a sister’s surprise birthday, staying over at another sister’s place, family group Thursday night, retreat from Friday till Sunday, and also helped by driving worship equipment to and from retreat, but overall was really blessing.

Relationship in Christ

I walked into the retreat with the intention of spending a good time worshipping and thanking God for all he’s done. When it came to the last night during prayer, I didn’t know exactly what to pray because everything was going so well and I knew there were small things that could be fixed here and there but didn’t know where to start. So I went up to receive prayer from Pastor Chris from GCC and the first thing he said was that he saw suspicious eyes. Then he furthered into his prayer by saying that I needed healing from people and that he hopes that I would see that God’s compassion flows through people. He thanked God for my heart that wants his glory and me having a bigger heart for God and closed.

First, I think it’s so interesting that through prayer, the person praying for you sometimes know whether or not you are in a good state or bad state in faith with God. You’d think that automatically, Christians would pray over the bad and hurt in their lives thinking they need help over faith but I post this prayer not to raise my glory or show off how good I’m doing in faith but to reveal how awesome it is that God’s spirit knows and speaks truth.

But back to the first portion of the prayer, when he said suspicious eyes, it struck me. Although I feel stable in faith, I realized I see my community fearfully as judgemental people. I have suspicious eyes that they have suspicious eyes about me, and I think it goes back to my first church experience in high school where I felt judged by the girls which is also probably the reason why my natural instinct is to get along with guys. I really want to develop a deeper connection with my sisters and be able to trust them more freely without the feeling that fear of judgement. 

Speaking of guys, or “brothers”, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. I was nervous entering retreat thinking I’d be too hyped on people in general that I’d lose focus on being there for God. It was a blessing to be driving to the retreat with my sister Shawna who inspired me to find a guy that would have me not find comfort in him (who would eventually fail) but in God who would never fail. But with the fact that I feel that I’ve invested my time more on brothers than sisters, I realized how it wasn’t helping with developing my sisterhood. So by the end of retreat, I felt assured that one day it’ll come to a time where a man will step up to make a covenant with me, but until then I should focus on preparing myself to know myself, who I am with God, so that when the time comes, I can also lead my husband to God before me.

God thank you for this retreat and I think I felt lethargic towards finding you yesterday because I fell into the sadness of reality and not being able to spend time with only you and your people. But I thank you for speaking truth through Pastor Chris and Shawna about my relationships with my brothers and sisters. I pray for a heart that trust in my sisters and seeks a deeper connection while we encourage each other. I pray that my heart would seek you first but also encourage brothers to be men of God so that one day they may be able to comfort a sister to you in the future. I pray for strength and motivation this week for my brothers and sisters and Remnant Church as we proactively seek to be whole in you. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Joel 2:12-17 | Matthew 6:16-21. Your Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

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(Following Devotions for Lent from Holy Bible: Mosaic from the YouVersion Bible app)

Joel 2:13
and rend your hearts and not your garments.”

Matthew 6:24
“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

The beginning of Joel, it’s revealed to me that our God is not just all Love, Peace, and gentleness; he is an “Awesome” God as in not our day to day lingo of awesome but the actual definition (extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.) So great in power it can be considered fearful and yet God calls us in the midst of that to come to him, to change our hearts and not our garments. To not just look like we belong to him but for our heart and core to call to him. I just thought that verse was really powerful. We try to hard to look christian sometimes that we forget to check our hearts and see if what we have on the outside reflects our insides.

Second, in Matthew, God talks about fasting, giving, praying “in secret” and it’s all about doing it for yourself and not for others. Not only does it relate back to Joel 2:13 on doing it not to look like your christian on the outside but to do it in secret so that the and I think I realized why my Christian life was so hard. I was splitting my two worlds, Christian girl and Fashion girl, hence my two instagrams, two twitter accounts but ultimately I found peace when I got rid of one and decided that the fashion girl is supported with believing in Christ.

Father God thank you for allowing me to come to realize that you are a part of everything and that you make all things possible in my life. Thank you for bringing me peace, making me one in the same and allowing my heart to find peace. Lord I pray that I will not forget you are an awesome and mighty God that desires our hearts and that we’d hold our faith sacred so that we may not get lost in boasting but to do you will from a genuine source of love for you and not for our own glory. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

OBADIAH

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

sidenote: I’ve been recently behind on my reading so one day I just sat down and read all of Amos. Then, in one of the Ami QT’s it said, “A great question to ask while reading any Bible passage is, “What does this reveal about our God?” so I decided to expand or pray on every passage (even if at times it may feel as though nothing was grasps other than the wrath towards the Israelites).

Obadiah v12

12 But do not gloat over the day of your brother
in the day of his misfortune;
do not rejoice over the people of Judah
in the day of their ruin;
do not boast
in the day of distress.
After reading this it kinda stopped me. Church and no church, the community is similar in the fact that people still have flaws and not everyone gets along with everyone. There was a time (not so much anymore that I’m living away from large social settings and the fact that it’s summer break) where I hoped not-the-best for a brother or sister. And this person was someone who looked as if they had it all and got away with it all. In my head, whenever they did an act where I felt was morally wrong, I was like, “God, I know you will judge them, give them a hardship to fix this flaw.” It sounds embarrassing thinking of it now because what do I know. God could have already have been in the process of other things and his timing is better than mine. Anyway, I just couldn’t wait till that moment came where God would reveal their flaw, when they would go through a hard time and realize their failures
Verse 12 reminded me of the envious heart I had. Even when it’s not God and its sin bringing misfortune in their lives, rather than being happy that “my life is better than theirs” and mind speaking, “HA-HHAHH!” I want a heart like God’s, that aches for them to seek God’s word’s and comfort.
Father, we are so unclean with so many flaws. But Lord I pray that you would continue to shape my heart like yours. Knowing that we all have flaws, yet you continue to love us. Thankyou God for sending your son to wipe away our flaws and have us be able to talk to you simply through prayer. Lord, I pray that whenever animosity comes towards another brother, sister, or nonbeliever, that your peace would settle in my heart knowing that you are sovereign. In Jesus name, Amen.