grace

2019 Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

WOWOW. It’s been a hot minute, or rather two years and 4 months since I’ve written anything on this platform. Does anyone still follow this account?? if so, hello.

In the time that passed since my last post, I’ve stopped posting publicly about all my thoughts and feelings, just as someone might not upload every conversation they had with a friend or family member, I’ve turned to a more “private” person. Prayers and realizations unless I’m urged with the spirit to share are kept between me and God.

God has been nonetheless good. I look back to April 2017 when I was working at a 9-5 job in a cubicle and now where I still struggle with my many aspirations and so much has changed. My confidence in the worth I have for me from God, and seeing God move, work, speak has been magnified.

From OTR, AMI women’s conference, Experiencing God, to many failures and disappointments, as well as fasts, and playing bass on Worship Team all while working at sketch events has been… so filling. God has never left my side and he doesn’t plan on leaving soon.

Dear future Doris in 2 years I’m guessing, when you look back to 2019, I hope you’re filled with awe once more for our God. I can’t imagine who I’ll be in 2021 and how much more firmly I’ll be grounded in my faith and my identity but I’m sure God has been Good through it all. He’s brought me this far and he doesn’t owe me another step yet I’m overwhelmed by his affection for me right now. I feel so watched over, I feel so guided and advised away from things that’ll slow down all the gifts he has given me and propelled towards love, life, and freedom. Like I could yell Jesus is Lord from my gut, that’s the kind of Love that I’ve been living and breathing in. Hopefully you are not in that room still… but if you are.. it’s okay, 2019 Doris still loves you for it.

It’s less proving my worth, so it’s not likely that I’ll be back anytime soon… but you’ll see me again when I feel ever so urged by the spirit to share and encourage because my cup has been so filled and I need to share the living water overflow.

Until then, I wish for grace and empowerment.

Daniel 9 – God’s Mercy

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

v.18 O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy.

Because of God’s mercy, we are able to present our “pleas” to him.
I think we’re all familiar with the phrase, “prayer is usually for us because God already knows.” Through prayer we are able to confess our sins, and be made anew, but only because of his mercy are we able to do any of it.

I’m not sure about everyone else but for me, I first learned about God’s grace before God’s mercy; that His grace is abundant and through His grace I am where I am. But when I rephrase it as “I am here through His grace and mercy” I start to think of all the sin in my life; how he gave me mercy when I deserved punishment. It’s not likely that people want to think of all the bad things that they have done but in this case, I think thinking of God’s mercy for us shows us how much more love he has for us. He can be the Father who gets mad and grounds us, not allowing us to experience joy in life but he shows mercy so that we experience everything else he has for us. God love us so much.

Father God, thank you for having mercy on us so that we may be able to communicate to you, to simply be able to speak to you and receive your heart. Thank you for having new mercy’s for me everyday. I pray that I would have the same heart for new mercies onto people who have done wrong and forgive as you did for me. Lord I pray that you would create an urgency to be with you, to meet with you everyday and that I may run my day on the love that you gave me. Lord help me to spend time with you slowly and I pray that you would continue to rest your spirit of patience upon me. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice, remind me of this as I try to do the same for you with all that I have. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

I know I still make mistakes
But you have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails.

DL

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

Galatians 5 – Freedom in Christ

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Wow, has this chapter just hit all the points for me.

v1. For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
v16. But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. v17. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

I’m greatly attracted to all things “Freedom”, and  I thought being Christian was following rules that didn’t allow you to rebel and do what you felt like doing. But this past year I realized that through Christ, true freedom was offered; freedom from fears and even death and it was the greatest feeling of all.
Being back in New Jersey, I’m experiencing a lot of “freedom”. I’m doing what I want, seeing friends whenever, doing what I’d like whenever I’d like, and breathing in a relaxed day by day life under the roof of my parents. After a while, life doesn’t seem so bad, without Christ, but verse 1 reminds me again that this pattern and thoughts of “freedom” are all what the world calls freedom. I’m surrounded by so much relaxation that I don’t feel the stress of the world, that there is no need for a greater power. I always come back to the question, “Why am I Christian?” Then following, “why are you trying to hard to read and love and keep this relationship with Him? Why don’t you just do what you want and go back to being Christian later?” And I sometimes chuckle at how silly that question sounds.
I know that on my own, yea, maybe I’ll be able to do what I want, say what I want, think and feel what I want and just live life to bring myself high and try to leave something of worth on this earth for generations to see me as one of the Greats next to Presley, Hepburn, or Picasso. But I know with God, I’m living for a greater purpose, God’s Kingdom and my name in His kingdom. I’m living free from what the world tells me how I should act like or look like but as a perfect, worthy child of God. I know that I’ll fail time and time again and the world that surrounds me will fail me but I’ll have someone who will never fail with his Love, Grace, and Promise. And I think of how much Greater He is, chuckle, and shake my head at myself for thinking of being a slave to the world once more.

Father God, How precious is your love for me. How loved are we for you to keep loving us even though we seem to fail you just because you know you can use us to do great things in your name for your name. God let me not be tempted to this world, let me not listen the voices but listen to your most reassuring voice that speaks to me with such kindness. God I ask once again for you to check my heart and send a shaking to get rid of anything that distracts me from your Kingdom. God, your breath is the ultimate freedom, in your light we’re able to do wonders so Lord I pray, let me be attracted to your heart. I want to know you more, I want to seek you everyday and be more aware of your presence. Remind me time and time again that you provide the best for me, so help me take up my cross to follow you. In Jesus name, Amen.

This world has nothing for me, I will follow you ~
// Your love has ravished my heart, so pull me a little closer~