God’s peace

Post Retreat.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m surrounded by white walls.

****

“I DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING.
I DON’T FEEL LIKE PRAYING,
I DON’T FEEL LIKE SINGING,
OR TRYING,

I’M TIRED.” – I pouted.

 

I could sense the spiritual battle. “Satan” or whatever anti-God spirit was winning – He had me at 50%.

And I was okay with letting him win.

I was doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. annoyed. and didn’t give a **** about how I wanted to treat people anymore. I wanted to just be me and not think about how “good” I’m being.

And while I thought of this in my head… I realized… he wanted me to feel doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. 

I was hurt and lost so I built up walls to protect myself, strand myself away from others. but unknowingly started to do it alone, without God and the walls I built surrounding me were black.

God said. Okay. You don’t have to pray. or sing. or do anything. 

I wanted to sit alone but not in anger but not out in the open. (Usually you ask to “break these chains,” or “break down these walls,” but I wanted to still be alone, protected, resting, and still not doing anything.

50/50 with letting go of one side, at peace with picking either.

On a whim, I asked. “could you make these walls yours?” And slowly I felt a melting sensation. This hexagonal room began to melt the black away leaving me sitting in a room with white walls.

Still alone.
But from above, shone sunlight and I was resting in the protection and light of God. He wasn’t besides me but above me waiting for me to be ready to have company, still protected by his love.

No, not a lot has changed. I still feel hurt and I still feel like being alone but whenever I do encounter others, I’m surrounded by white walls, knowing God is protecting me, encouraging healthy interactions, and strength to be me.

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen.