God’s love

processing thoughts: perceptions and performance

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Why do I, or rather, why am I consumed by the idea hope that I will run into someone I know?
Yes, it’s a group of four, five specific people. It’s never my closest friends, or people I would happily say hello to, but rather the people I am no longer in talking relations with. I go into this 3rd person perspective and my facial muscles, my steps alter as I imagine they’re standing in the corner behind me or across the street right past my peripheral vision. I position myself in a scenario where I walk past them with either an expression of bliss or peace… confidence? (depending on that person). BUT WHY.

Perhaps I wish to convey a visual image of me doing “so well” or communicate “you missed out on awesomeness by rejecting me and by deciding I no longer bring value or joy in your life.” BUT WHY.

What is rooted so deep in me that I cannot just focus on my walking life? Why can’t I be more self-centered in these moments and not give a hoot about how I am perceived or could be perceived. Do I feel unsafe in crowded streets or cafes to be seen and perceived as doing “as they expected”… unchanged. The same broken person they once knew further affirming their decision for ending the thing that was once called us? Or is it just performance? To be percieved as evolved, more wiser, more full of grace than ever not to just them but to everyone I feel do not know me.

Unseen. Misunderstood. Nothing hurts more than revealing yourself and feeling unknown by the very people you spent time with. I once said I’d rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t truly know and understand my heart, mind, and soul.

Church community becomes more difficult by the year for the years add up but it’s impossible to gather the knowledge and understanding of every single person. And reverse applying that to myself, how do I present myself that is digestible for next brother or sister walking past me in the lobby of our church without being shallow.

“God’s perception of me is all that matters” but then why are we told to connect and experience the glory of God in one another?

Can there be that much abundance of grace for the person sitting next to me and for myself. Can I fully submit to the beauty of mystery and honor ones internal digestion of what’s perceived?

You just want to be liked by everyone. but why? I sink into my seat defeated unable to see intothe vast darkness that is my past and soul. Lord help me to unveil. You brought me here to break this chain of thought and feeling. What euphoria do I search for that is not in you. What hole am I filling? And how was this hole made in the first place? Lord I pray for you to meet me right now.

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Is my love not enough for you? Do you not trust the love I pour to you day after day. You are well loved. You are lovely. You are worthy of love. Everyone who is passionate for connection and glory in one another has this hole and so you are not alone. One day, when we meet you will not remember the days you put on the posture and performance. You will stand exuding your heart’s joy and light. You will just ‘be’. I break this chain. Eyes and heart and mind on me.

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If God takes our brokenness and redeems them to victory, then he can take the skewed, misjudged thoughts and perceptions of others, and myself and use them for his glory.

Lord, I am in awe that you can even claim victory over passing thoughts and judgements. Fleeting wisps of destruction, Lord, none goes past you and you grip the gaseous air by the neck and say be gone. God I trust in your working spirit in those around me and those no longer around me. I pray for deep grieving and surrendering of people who tie me to my flesh and look only towards your spirit. May my lungs ring victory and may the enemy quake in fear for there is no stakehold on walking thoughts. May your protect the stream of my subconscious and may your glory reign. I may not be done yet but until I hold my sword and shield again, you are near and I am loved. Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

– think grapefruit and thank God.

Father’s Heart.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I felt like I felt a bit of “Father’s Love” today. (*understatement after writing all this. then again how much of an understatement that other statement when Father’s Love is imcomprendably big… *poof mind blown*)

Our God is a God who loves, who asks for nothing in return other than our love for him, our faith in him and even with that we fail.

Today my dad and I talked finances and let me just say, I’ve been “privileged”. And I’m not sure if I can say blessed yet because my family isn’t christian and we don’t thank God for provision or pray before we eat… things like that. Anyway, I grew up getting most things what I want and in a very asian culture, family is family for life kinda way. My dad sent me through college and I won’t say the exact amount but let just say it was in NYC so that usually should sum the general amount. And it was agreed before I started college that I’d pay off half and even that is a BIG thank you. But today I talked with my dad about life and money and how much I had really spent with living expenses and I spoke to him about paying him back… and all he said to me was that he doesn’t expect me to pay him back. I’ve talked to him about this before and he said things like, “you’re my daughter, of course” or “it’s because I love you” but it never really had strike me until today; the relation of a Father’s heart.

Immediately a motivation to work hard and pay him off by surprise passed me knowing that the amount that was agreed to be paid off wouldn’t even make up for the life my dad’s given me throughout my 23 years. His hard work, sweat, and working everyday, even Sundays and holidays to give a life for his family… he ONLY TOOK NEW YEARS DAY OFF!… all to give his family a living…

In the same way, God doesn’t ask for anything in return. I don’t even think he asks for us to love him… (okay I’m sure he does somewhere in the bible) but he doesn’t really push it in our faces like, “why don’t you love me?! I did this this this this… ” and only when we need him to say it to remind us but only for our hearts and for us to know what he’d done for us. -sigh- He’s just loving us. Period. without expecting anything in return. That love, is so.. so.. soooo precious. I’ve fallen countless numbers of times, even when I was unaware of his blessings, I’ve just been taking good things … like I deserved them, like that gold sticker we get for sitting down to eat and listening well to the teachers… behaving! LOL MILLENNIALS.

God, first off.. just Thank you. on behalf of my family if thats possible for providing. For the store and the food in the refrigerator, THE REFRIGERATOR. I don’t think me, my sister, my brother, my parents stop enough to take a moment to think that although we are not well off, we are well off. “Everyday is thanksgiving.” I re-get that today. Thank you for my family, for the love that’s poured into it already beyond the brokenness… I don’t know what to say but I know what to do and it’s to just glorify your name in it all. And ya, people who don’t believe in you may say that is foolish, that my dad earned the money through his own heart, sweat, and hardwork, but there’s no way. There are so many people who put their heart, sweat, and hardwork into the things they love to have it fall. So thank you God for being present even when not all of us see you…
And second, thank you for your cross lord. Thank you for allowing me to rejoice with you in the fact that I can talk to you and feel you loving me and have me love you back. I’m so blind. So many times, yesterday, today, weeks ago, and sadly, most-likely, weeks to come… BUT *lol* you still love me, this defected human heart not even functional to do what’s it’s functioned to do which is to believe in you, your love, pour it upon each other, and back to you…

I’m sorry that I can’t be enough… 

and you still love, love faulty me, love the orphans that have yet to call you Abba.. 

I can’t grasp all of you, all of your love but I pray that you’d open my heart to seriously get most of it. I just am at a lost for words. YOU ARE GOOD. and I, through the many brokenness around me, have faith that your kingdom will come. Lord, let me never stop saying Thank you. You are really all I need so let me always come back to you, to this, to prayer, to talking with you. PRINCE OF PEACE. I love you. I pray all these things in your son’s awesome mighty lovely name, Amen. 

God’s version of Love.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Jesus knows that happy circumstances, safety, and pleasure bring only fleeting joy.  Eternal joy and eternal life cannot be found in such things. -AMI QT

I’m being questioned time and time again on God’s love; that it’s not the love we’re used to seeing surrounded by romantic dramas. I just want to proclaim my whole hearted love for him not because he can bring me blessings and good things, because it clearly states that following Jesus isn’t a easy path. I find myself sometimes thinking that my future is secure and happy if I love God but forget that it’s only through Jesus that it’s so. It’s going to be hard and difficult fighting against what the world says is beautiful, successful, or right. But through God, with him, I can rejoice in his joy.

God. I want to love you, not because of what I think you’ll give me or because I think you’ll love me in a way that’s my version of love. I want to love you and follow you because you are king and that’s the truth. Because you sent your son to die for my sins, so that I can have eternally life with you through all my flaws and because I want to build your kingdom. My heart breaks when I forget this truth, and I’m sure yours does too. Help me not to forget. Help me to live and breath your word, in your truth, love, and freedom. I love you God. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

 

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Romans 6

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So recently I’ve read Romans 5 & 6 and I’m sure I read it before or maybe small verses at a time but can I just say Romans is amazing (just wanted to get that out there).

Romans 6 takes you through the process of Jesus’s death and I never really thought of my baptism process from the crucifixion to rising from the grave.

v4. We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

With Christ, I died and was buried and raised from death in order to have this new life. Really meditating on that process is a transformation, and all so that I, someone who will still make mistakes again is given this new life and that God will continue to love and accept me with all my flaws… it really makes a person want to strive after his kingdom even more.

God time and time again I question the greatness of your love. Not what it is but why it is. Why is it so big and so abundant? Why do you love us when we are really not worth all the trouble to send your son so die for us all so that we can live a new life. Well either way, thank you God for loving us and giving us a chance to seek after your eternal kingdom. I pray for courage that I may be spiritually steadfast and unafraid to declare that you are my King, that I am a spiritual person and be unafraid of the judgement of this world. Thank you for this morning and I pray for me to seek this new life everyday. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Zechariah 5 – God’s Wrath

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

In Zechariah 5, God sends two ‘visions’ to Zechariah. One of a flying scroll that curses the house of every thief and to anyone who swears falsely by God’s name, and another of a woman in a basket, which represented wickedness, to be brought back to Babylonia.
To be honest I was confused after rereading the passage, so after many summary readings, I started questioning Where does God’s wrath go?

Zechariah 5:4 The LordAlmighty declares, ‘I will send it out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of anyone who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in that house and destroy it completely, both its timbers and its stones.’ ”

The bible talks many time about God’s wrath, that God will uphold justice and destroy houses…and if our God is the same God through all of time, that God never changes than why do we only talk about his love? Thankfully I did some further researching and found this.

The wrath of God is His eternal detestation of all unrighteousness. It is the displeasure and indignation of Divine equity against evil. It is the holiness of God stirred into activity against sin.

(I remember discussing this during Apprenticeship training) God’s wrath isn’t towards the people who commit sin; his anger doesn’t go to the person but to the sin itself. I think about all the times I was bitter or held anger against someone for doing me wrong and I always thought, God why do you want me to love this person, UGH NO, I just don’t want to. And I realize now that it’s their sin that I should be bitter towards. God loves them and God wants to bring out the best of them for them but ‘they do not know what they’ve done’ because of the blindness from sin (And this is probably where Jesus comes into the picture to save us from God destroying sin by destroying us).

Wow does God have all the answers or does God have all the answers?

God, thank you for opening up my eyes today to see and understand a little more of you. Lord I pray that whenever people do me wrong and find it difficult to love and easier to find anger, that you would lead that anger toward sin and not the person themselves. I pray for more of your heart for my brothers and sisters and that I too would be jealous for your heart God so that I may be jealous for my brothers and sisters. God I thank you for your protection whenever I have big questions and thank you for Jesus because it all seems to go back to Him always. God you are so good, help me to share this goodness to the people around me and fill me with a desire to always seek your spirit. Overwhelm my soul Lord God everyday of your glory. I pray all these things in your sons name, Amen. 

‘New York’ Me vs. ‘New Jersey’ Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

While I was in college I lived my freshman year and sophomore year partying, having fun, going out at night sometimes even on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and by the end of each year, my group of secular friends got boring. The same old places, doing the same things, laughing about the same stuff and I asked myself, is this it? Feeling bad about not being skinner than the friend next to me, never getting the guy, being there to go through the motions of being excited and happy for my friends? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my friends; it was my heart that was the problem.

I then was invited to church by a friend and since that day, I was able to find the greatest joy, His light. This light and freedom that God provided was like no other I was hooked and decided to go on a journey with Him. My next two years of college I spent worshipping and praying to God; praying for my family, school, friends, and receiving His love in all of it, covering over my fears and insecurities. He opened my eyes to so many things and most of all that he promised to continue opening my eyes to things as I adventured through the highs and lows of life.

I moved back into New Jersey and the hardest thing was that the Doris from HighSchool came back and not the Doris from New York. The unchanged, lazy, ungrateful Doris that had life handed to her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a bunch of side dishes. I now spend 4 days in New York with my church community and spend 3 days in New Jersey, how is it that my New York side doesn’t over triumph my New Jersey side?

So I looked up “What does the Bible say about ‘Putting the Past Behind’. And I’m sure it’s about sin and shame but now as I’m writing, New Jersey me is sinful me and shameful me living life through the patterns of this earth.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

I am a new creation in Christ and maybe I haven’t lived as if I had been made new because I was lacking faith that God has made me new.

It doesn’t matter whether or not my family is Christian (which they’re not) but the point being, this world is going to be filled with situations where my faith comes to test, where I must stand strong with God by my side. Whether it’d be me fasting from media and only listening to Christian music or having a verse on my arm, I need to surround myself with Godly things or else I’ll be tempted by ALL THE FAMILIAR THINGS IN MY HOUSE to be familiar NJ Doris that has been living in this house alone for 9 years.

Prayer Request: If you’ve read through this I think I still need prayer from my community of brothers and sisters whoever you may be, pray for God’s protection over my heart, that this familiar house wouldn’t bring back familiar me and that I would focus on my faith that God has made me new.

Father God, what a turn of events you have given me by placing me back in the home before you saved me. It’s going to be hard I know, but I know that with you, the victory is already claimed so Jesus I pray that you would keep my hopes up and that your spirit would not only affect me but my family. I am not following you for my family God, I’m following you for us. Knowing that your glory and your joy is the light in my heart that brings me back to you and your love. God I pray keep me safe, protect me and my family from lies of this earth and tender our hearts for one another. Father help me to see your presence in all things that happen in this house knowing that you sovereign. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us