God’s glory

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Day 2.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s now the second day after God pulled me out from deep waters (metaphorically speaking again of course) and I catch myself confused and almost shocked of how “Okay” I am.

I’m not suffocating, I’m not sad or on the verge of crying. And all these things were super real and up to my neck less than a week ago. It’s actually crazy. And I’m sharing all these lovely hopeful truths about God more because I want to share God’s goodness but if this was anyone else, I’d probably think, “This girl is bipolar.”

I’m saved. Again. Again and Again by the King of Kings and it’s hitting me now. There are so many times I’ve failed and so many things that probably should have ended with me drowning in my own hate and bitterness, but he didn’t let go of me.

My heart going from resentment/suffocation to joy and hopefulness in 3 days is just unreal. Do regular people without God go through this? In just 3 days?

God, I … Your glory in this situation is so big that I can’t comprehend it with my small mind and heart. But when I do stop, really stop to see myself when I’m alone right now… I can’t believe how secure I feel . I don’t have a job in the design industry, 23, single, broken family, still on this broken world and you, you are all that matters right now. Just yesterday after embarking on a new refreshed journey to bring you glory, I was still nervous and afraid. The world was scary to proclaim your name, but today, I honestly want every person I’ve met to know that you are so precious and selfless and limitless and so much more than anything this world says otherwise. The only thing I’m nervous for now is losing this fire for you. This focus and this strength. God I’m not perfect, but I ask desperately, won’t you provide the fire and help me provide the sacrifice. I know I can’t do it on my own, so let me not forget that it’s what you’ve done for me and not what I’ve done for you. I’m trying to not get high on your spirit so that I don’t fall hard but I’m praying, help my weak flesh and my willing spirit to love you always. Thank you for being so big, so awesome, so beautiful and creative and so loving towards such imperfect, failing beings. Thank you for redeeming us and thank you for saving us again and again. I love you. In Jesus name. Amen.

–

Yea. So I definitely needed to just pray it out. Less of me thinking to myself and more of me talking to Him. I’m probably gonna spend more time in worship but last thing.
I was really rejoicing today. Although I don’t have my circumstance fixed and “all better”, I have hope and wanted to say that it was really just all of God’s amazing Grace and unfailing love. I don’t have perfect pitch and I don’t have … guitar talent/strumming skills but I love expressing the love and truth that comes with God. Working on that #courage.

This is Amazing Grace (Cover)

Romans 6

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So recently I’ve read Romans 5 & 6 and I’m sure I read it before or maybe small verses at a time but can I just say Romans is amazing (just wanted to get that out there).

Romans 6 takes you through the process of Jesus’s death and I never really thought of my baptism process from the crucifixion to rising from the grave.

v4. We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

With Christ, I died and was buried and raised from death in order to have this new life. Really meditating on that process is a transformation, and all so that I, someone who will still make mistakes again is given this new life and that God will continue to love and accept me with all my flaws… it really makes a person want to strive after his kingdom even more.

God time and time again I question the greatness of your love. Not what it is but why it is. Why is it so big and so abundant? Why do you love us when we are really not worth all the trouble to send your son so die for us all so that we can live a new life. Well either way, thank you God for loving us and giving us a chance to seek after your eternal kingdom. I pray for courage that I may be spiritually steadfast and unafraid to declare that you are my King, that I am a spiritual person and be unafraid of the judgement of this world. Thank you for this morning and I pray for me to seek this new life everyday. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Zechariah 5 – God’s Wrath

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

In Zechariah 5, God sends two ‘visions’ to Zechariah. One of a flying scroll that curses the house of every thief and to anyone who swears falsely by God’s name, and another of a woman in a basket, which represented wickedness, to be brought back to Babylonia.
To be honest I was confused after rereading the passage, so after many summary readings, I started questioning Where does God’s wrath go?

Zechariah 5:4 The LordAlmighty declares, ‘I will send it out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of anyone who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in that house and destroy it completely, both its timbers and its stones.’ ”

The bible talks many time about God’s wrath, that God will uphold justice and destroy houses…and if our God is the same God through all of time, that God never changes than why do we only talk about his love? Thankfully I did some further researching and found this.

The wrath of God is His eternal detestation of all unrighteousness. It is the displeasure and indignation of Divine equity against evil. It is the holiness of God stirred into activity against sin.

(I remember discussing this during Apprenticeship training) God’s wrath isn’t towards the people who commit sin; his anger doesn’t go to the person but to the sin itself. I think about all the times I was bitter or held anger against someone for doing me wrong and I always thought, God why do you want me to love this person, UGH NO, I just don’t want to. And I realize now that it’s their sin that I should be bitter towards. God loves them and God wants to bring out the best of them for them but ‘they do not know what they’ve done’ because of the blindness from sin (And this is probably where Jesus comes into the picture to save us from God destroying sin by destroying us).

Wow does God have all the answers or does God have all the answers?

God, thank you for opening up my eyes today to see and understand a little more of you. Lord I pray that whenever people do me wrong and find it difficult to love and easier to find anger, that you would lead that anger toward sin and not the person themselves. I pray for more of your heart for my brothers and sisters and that I too would be jealous for your heart God so that I may be jealous for my brothers and sisters. God I thank you for your protection whenever I have big questions and thank you for Jesus because it all seems to go back to Him always. God you are so good, help me to share this goodness to the people around me and fill me with a desire to always seek your spirit. Overwhelm my soul Lord God everyday of your glory. I pray all these things in your sons name, Amen. 

Lamentation 5 – God Forsake His People?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment
Jeremiah speaks of the state of God’s people how everything basically sucks and at the end writes,
v.19 – 22 You, Lord, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.
Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?
Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return;
renew our days as of old
unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.
I remember Paster Ulysses speaking in apprenticeship training how our God is the same God throughout the bible and that he isn’t an angry God in the Old Testament and a loving, baby lamb holding God in the New Testament. So when I come to read things like “Why do you forsake us?” I would initially think, did Old Testament God forsake his people? But further thinking upon it, I think it’s natural for Jeremiah to think that God has forsaken them. That he left them in the rut to just rot away and have everything suck. Just as we think God has left us when times are rough.
When I think back to my first encounters with God, when I first came back to church in about two and half years ago, I remember being filled with bitterness and confusion. Why is my family going through this hard time? Why isn’t he fixing anything and why is he ‘letting’ this happen? Whenever I felt such bitterness, my family group leader (Jon Gong) would always say, “Doris, God is good.” Tears would run down my face because I wanted to except that fact so badly but the circumstances didn’t allow my heart to fully realize it.
God has never left my side and God’s timing is beyond our measure. So even now when I pray constantly for God to shed his light on my mom and see no change, I think to myself God, please HEAR my prayer because it feels like nothings happening. I come back to remind myself that God is working and it’s just a matter of MY faith and patience in Him.
Father God, you have been with me through everything, and I know you will always be with me through everything. So God, I pray, keep me strong, when waters get deep and my faith is tested, Lord let me be so strong in that you have faith in me. I think my faith is being tested everyday living in a household of non-believers but God, you are greater than my problems here in this temporary home. God you are able and you love is overly abundant so thank you so much for bringing me this far. Thank you for revealing your truths, pouring your grace and mercy, for carrying my burdens, and for lightening the weight on my heart by filling it with your spirit. God I pray for your strength to reside in me whenever my knees feel weak. Help me to be bold and so unafraid of this world. I love you, In Jesus name. Amen.

‘New York’ Me vs. ‘New Jersey’ Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

While I was in college I lived my freshman year and sophomore year partying, having fun, going out at night sometimes even on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and by the end of each year, my group of secular friends got boring. The same old places, doing the same things, laughing about the same stuff and I asked myself, is this it? Feeling bad about not being skinner than the friend next to me, never getting the guy, being there to go through the motions of being excited and happy for my friends? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my friends; it was my heart that was the problem.

I then was invited to church by a friend and since that day, I was able to find the greatest joy, His light. This light and freedom that God provided was like no other I was hooked and decided to go on a journey with Him. My next two years of college I spent worshipping and praying to God; praying for my family, school, friends, and receiving His love in all of it, covering over my fears and insecurities. He opened my eyes to so many things and most of all that he promised to continue opening my eyes to things as I adventured through the highs and lows of life.

I moved back into New Jersey and the hardest thing was that the Doris from HighSchool came back and not the Doris from New York. The unchanged, lazy, ungrateful Doris that had life handed to her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a bunch of side dishes. I now spend 4 days in New York with my church community and spend 3 days in New Jersey, how is it that my New York side doesn’t over triumph my New Jersey side?

So I looked up “What does the Bible say about ‘Putting the Past Behind’. And I’m sure it’s about sin and shame but now as I’m writing, New Jersey me is sinful me and shameful me living life through the patterns of this earth.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

I am a new creation in Christ and maybe I haven’t lived as if I had been made new because I was lacking faith that God has made me new.

It doesn’t matter whether or not my family is Christian (which they’re not) but the point being, this world is going to be filled with situations where my faith comes to test, where I must stand strong with God by my side. Whether it’d be me fasting from media and only listening to Christian music or having a verse on my arm, I need to surround myself with Godly things or else I’ll be tempted by ALL THE FAMILIAR THINGS IN MY HOUSE to be familiar NJ Doris that has been living in this house alone for 9 years.

Prayer Request: If you’ve read through this I think I still need prayer from my community of brothers and sisters whoever you may be, pray for God’s protection over my heart, that this familiar house wouldn’t bring back familiar me and that I would focus on my faith that God has made me new.

Father God, what a turn of events you have given me by placing me back in the home before you saved me. It’s going to be hard I know, but I know that with you, the victory is already claimed so Jesus I pray that you would keep my hopes up and that your spirit would not only affect me but my family. I am not following you for my family God, I’m following you for us. Knowing that your glory and your joy is the light in my heart that brings me back to you and your love. God I pray keep me safe, protect me and my family from lies of this earth and tender our hearts for one another. Father help me to see your presence in all things that happen in this house knowing that you sovereign. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Dusty Rock Tower

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So one thing I held onto since I was little was Fame.
I wanted to be a famous violinist, then a famous singer, famous actor, famous fashion designer, and even in small places like my christian community, I wanted fame. I wanted people to see me and say, “there goes Doris, so cool with life and God.” So when I realized on my way back from OTR (explained in Post-OTR) that I wanted all Glory, even God’s Glory to go to me, I ended up basking in shame. How could I use God like that.

This past Sunday service (which was also TRPC’s 20th Anniversary whoo! praise the lord!) one of the encouragements was that God will shake the heaven and earth to clean off that are not part of His Kingdom; everything that’s not, will crumble. And I guess this encouragement kinda spoke to me in a different way.
During Worship I saw this tower made out of fuzzy, gray, dust-like stone and God shook it and in the center was one rock, colorful, filled with God’s spirit. I just kept shaking my hands asking God to shake off those dusty gray rock, that he would rid of all things that were not for his Glory and that every rock that would make up who I am be colorful and filled with his spirit so that the tower may rise with and for his Glory.

God, I pray for every person in my church, for my brothers and sisters all over the world, and for me, that you would send a shaking, so that we may be able to see what we’re building our towers with. May we realized and be able to see that only your rock filled with your spirit will stand, be made strong, and will be filled with Glory. That we may realize our tower is not our own and can only last with your Power. My everlasting God, let us not seek after temporary things but your eternal love and glory. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever (Matthew 6:13). Amen.

Social Media and God

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So here’s my opinion, or the way I think when it comes to social media and God.

I see a lot of people sharing the Gospel, quoting the Bible, and really loving God through social media and its not being ashamed but I guess I’m just not like that because I can’t. Maybe it’s because until recently social media was used to Glorify me, my name. I mean Instagram, Twitter – FOLLOW ME and you don’t even care if you don’t know the person, it’s just about the numbers of how others sees your page. And even FB now has so many friends that you wanted to keep connected with but are not really close to and your is still trying to be like, “hey I’m still that cool person you met at that one hangout.” So because of this distance of we’re connected but not really, I’ve been having a hard time trying to use it to Glorify God’s name. So many times I’ve felt reluctant to post something serious because of the “judgement” I think I would face.
I recently posted on FB a confession on my state of … I guess spiritual thinking.

Confession: (So this is something that I’ve been struggling with and I’ve told a few friends but I just want to get it out there for the sake of breathing) I want to stop worrying about how everyone will see me and start relying on how God sees me. Because the only person to satisfy is Him and myself through Him. I don’t want to think before every move, “what is this person going to think of this?” And I’m thinking now, “why limit myself?”. I want to be who I am and not feel like the world’s watching and think it matters, even though they prob don’t because honestly in the end, no one’s watching, no one cares, because they’re worried about their lives. There were so many times this past year where I wanted to post struggles and pains that I was going through but in fear of judgement from people I call “friends”, I just couldn’t. I told myself, “they don’t care” “stop trying to look sad on fb” “stop trying to get sympathy” but I cut out my own worth from myself and the people around me. I tried so hard to make it seem like my life was, “okay” that everything was happy, good, fine because I didn’t want to seem like a failure. I didn’t want to give the 2%ers a chance to say “hahhahhh! she’s going through sh**t”. Because of that pride, I spreaded myself thin to be everything I knew was happy good and fine. Even writing this seems pretty lame in my head …ew Doris you’re 22, what are you doing?” But It really breaks a person when she tries to be something she’s not. I don’t want envy, I don’t need jealousy, I don’t want to live to please other people, but please the God that’s in me without hiding or faking who I am. I’m so filthy yet He somehow still seems to love me. I sometimes feel so torn between who I have to be in fashion and who I have to be in Christ. And with who I was and who I am. I stop who I’ve become or growing into because of the fear that the new me/the changing me will shoo away the people who knew me as something else. And I truly dislike the fact that I’m so easily affected by the people around me. That I’m not true to myself, that I’m not my own rock. I want to love myself for who I am, for what I believe, for all the filthiness that God has cleansed, and for the worth I have in His name.

See even now copying and pasting this on here – WordPress is weird to me. I guess I keep thinking… is this to glorify me or God? But I know God broke a barrier of worth when I clicked post and didn’t keep it to “only me”. Maybe I don’t see that God has provided me with a community to help encourage and support one another… When did I lose trusting in my friends? Or maybe because when other people do it, I see it as them using God’s name to Glorify themselves. I guess another thing is going to down for “Filthy Me” for the sinful way I think. But it’s difficult to differentiate the purpose of posting things whether it’d be me or friends.

…
Through this (just now), God is telling me (the same thing I heard once before) stop trying to wander around and find the sin. Focus on me, my Glory and My love for you, and all will be well *smiley face. And it’s really unprofessional but ‘lol’ to the smiley face because he says it with such simplicity and kindness when I’m scratching head, feeling heartache for answers that I know.
Just Pray.

God, life is so filled with so many distractions. Everything is so ‘beautiful and sensual’ and I can’t help but get distracted. *lol because I really am weak. I can’t commit to things on my own and with your spirit, your presence I can. Maybe too many times I doubt the power in your name. Jesus I call to you now to set a whole new level of thirst in me for you. I want to bask in your goodness, breathe the breath you’ve provided and stop acting so foolish, setting you aside for things of this world that will soon fade. God let me pray with you, spend time with you, on and off social media. Let my worlds be one in you for God you are my core. Let my heart not be hindered from you. Let my soul rest in your name for you are God alone. I want to be able to scream JESUS IS LORD everyday with no fear of how others will see me. Lord guide me as I use social media as a tool for your glory rather than mine and continue to build me into the daughter of Christ you made out to be. Lord you are with me, you give me comfort and I am forever grateful. Thankyou for blessing me with such Joy with my siblings today and I pray that your presence would shine through this day. In Jesus name. Amen.

My Needs?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Today in AMI QT’s, I was asked to question “What is the usual content of my prayer?  Do I tend to avoid the unpleasant topic of sin as I focus on “my needs?”  Do I realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father?”

It’s not that I avoid the topic of sin as I focus on “my needs”, it’s that I question my lack of interest. I question a lot these days on the relationship status and there are times where I think to myself, “Is it wrong for me to want to live a simple life facing the hardships as I go alone?” As of now, life is simple. Wake up, eat, watch netflix, update my portfolio here and there, upload a picture, check social media, eat again, go to taekwondo, hang out with friends, hang out with siblings, help out parents; very summer routined life. I’m not searching for a job yet and I have no fear of not getting one because jobs are out there whether they are corporate or small start-ups. But it gets difficult to try and squeeze in QT’s or praying when everything in life seems to be floating okay. That’s probably where I’m at fault.

Have I lost motivation to do works for God? To pray for the people that have supported me in a time of need?

Sadly the answer to the last question is “no”. I don’t realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father.

Father God, what has happened? Why am I satisfied with this mundane life that’s floating by? Why don’t I feel the importance of you in my life right now? Must I always be in a accountable environment to be able to understand the greatness of your glory? Father forgive me for my failures to see the fault I’m living. Give me a heart that thirst you, a heart that cares the way you see me. Wasn’t it you that I found my security in? Wasn’t it you that helped me through the toughest times and rejoiced with me in the most precious times. Father, I pray that you would ignite a fire in my soul that burns for a passion for your name. Let me not be satisfied in this life, let everyday be filled with motivation to seek your glory, let me experience the first true love I’ve encountered with you. In Jesus name, Amen.