God

Post OTR

~ DL ~ 1 Comment

I recently came back from my first missions in Over-the-Rhine Cincinnati, Ohio and to be honest, it was an eye opening trip- but wasn’t life changing. On the ride back I spoke with a brother and he spoke about two things that hit me, lying to myself and materialism. By lying to myself about the emotions that I feel and by putting my securities in titles and things that I own or the characteristics that make up who I am, I was glorifying me and not God. After that realization, I felt Filthy. How could I do this…

God, It makes me upset to think that I had such a main part of the gospel misinterpreted. This whole week I’ve been praying,”and all this is to honor you” but how empty those words were. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I built myself up to look like a kind person because in reality I’m worthless; guilty of sin and no better than trash yet you seem to still pour out your love over me. Why I asked and you said it was because Jesus has covered over all our sins by taking it on his body to the cross so that you may be able to love. Jesus, How? How could you take such a sin on yourself. How do you even come towards such a filthy sinner like me. How did you come to comfort me when I had this underlying sin within me. Father God, I pray that you would break my walls down, demolish my tower, and rebuild it so that it’s yours, so that so that I may truly understand to take up my cross and follow you. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Needs?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Today in AMI QT’s, I was asked to question “What is the usual content of my prayer?  Do I tend to avoid the unpleasant topic of sin as I focus on “my needs?”  Do I realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father?”

It’s not that I avoid the topic of sin as I focus on “my needs”, it’s that I question my lack of interest. I question a lot these days on the relationship status and there are times where I think to myself, “Is it wrong for me to want to live a simple life facing the hardships as I go alone?” As of now, life is simple. Wake up, eat, watch netflix, update my portfolio here and there, upload a picture, check social media, eat again, go to taekwondo, hang out with friends, hang out with siblings, help out parents; very summer routined life. I’m not searching for a job yet and I have no fear of not getting one because jobs are out there whether they are corporate or small start-ups. But it gets difficult to try and squeeze in QT’s or praying when everything in life seems to be floating okay. That’s probably where I’m at fault.

Have I lost motivation to do works for God? To pray for the people that have supported me in a time of need?

Sadly the answer to the last question is “no”. I don’t realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father.

Father God, what has happened? Why am I satisfied with this mundane life that’s floating by? Why don’t I feel the importance of you in my life right now? Must I always be in a accountable environment to be able to understand the greatness of your glory? Father forgive me for my failures to see the fault I’m living. Give me a heart that thirst you, a heart that cares the way you see me. Wasn’t it you that I found my security in? Wasn’t it you that helped me through the toughest times and rejoiced with me in the most precious times. Father, I pray that you would ignite a fire in my soul that burns for a passion for your name. Let me not be satisfied in this life, let everyday be filled with motivation to seek your glory, let me experience the first true love I’ve encountered with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Spiritual Status

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

To be honest, living back in New Jersey is hard on my spiritual life because I experienced God’s presence, love, and intimacy in my apartment and being back where my laundry is done, dinner is served, life became a little less heavier. I find myself trying to ignore God, his presence in general and although I know it hurts him to see me turn a blind eye, I end up turning another blind eye to that as well.

But with that said, I’m excited to see how God will sovereign in my NJ home. To my eyes my family seems to be doing okay compared to the years previous but I feel an underlying miscommunication of our love for one another and I hope that while I wrestle with my relationship with God once more, He will open up new doors and tender our hearts for one another.

God. Father. I miss praying to you. I miss the intimate moments we’ve had but why do I feel so distracted? Why do I feel like it’s okay for me to enjoy my worldly surroundings. Father, I pray that not only to be reminded of you but for my heart to quench for you once more. For my heart to seek out your Words and wisdom; everything of who you are. Lord I pray that you would invade this space which will soon be my home once more and make it yours. To have it filled with Your love, Your strength, Your compassion, Your guidance for my family, for my choices and actions. Father fill my room with your Holy Spirit and help me to kindle the fire you provide. Father God I pray for energy to wake up and do your works for your kingdom everyday. Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on. For I am yours and you are mine. Amen. 

Hand Full of Sand

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During sunday service worship, I began to pray about trusting God and as I prayed for his guidance, I also prayed that I wouldn’t try to take matters into my own hands. I then had a vision of hands holding sand and as the hands tried hard to contain each and every grain, it failed to do so as the amount of sand began to slowly trickle away. But below the hands were another pair of hands, and it was the perfect father-like hands that held in every precious grain that fell and more. He spoke. I got you. Even if you try to take matters into your own hands, my hands will be right under yours to catch every grain you drop. It made me realize that whatever comes my way, whether I realize it or not, God will be right there besides me catching the things that my imperfect hands can’t hold.