God is good

2019 Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

WOWOW. It’s been a hot minute, or rather two years and 4 months since I’ve written anything on this platform. Does anyone still follow this account?? if so, hello.

In the time that passed since my last post, I’ve stopped posting publicly about all my thoughts and feelings, just as someone might not upload every conversation they had with a friend or family member, I’ve turned to a more “private” person. Prayers and realizations unless I’m urged with the spirit to share are kept between me and God.

God has been nonetheless good. I look back to April 2017 when I was working at a 9-5 job in a cubicle and now where I still struggle with my many aspirations and so much has changed. My confidence in the worth I have for me from God, and seeing God move, work, speak has been magnified.

From OTR, AMI women’s conference, Experiencing God, to many failures and disappointments, as well as fasts, and playing bass on Worship Team all while working at sketch events has been… so filling. God has never left my side and he doesn’t plan on leaving soon.

Dear future Doris in 2 years I’m guessing, when you look back to 2019, I hope you’re filled with awe once more for our God. I can’t imagine who I’ll be in 2021 and how much more firmly I’ll be grounded in my faith and my identity but I’m sure God has been Good through it all. He’s brought me this far and he doesn’t owe me another step yet I’m overwhelmed by his affection for me right now. I feel so watched over, I feel so guided and advised away from things that’ll slow down all the gifts he has given me and propelled towards love, life, and freedom. Like I could yell Jesus is Lord from my gut, that’s the kind of Love that I’ve been living and breathing in. Hopefully you are not in that room still… but if you are.. it’s okay, 2019 Doris still loves you for it.

It’s less proving my worth, so it’s not likely that I’ll be back anytime soon… but you’ll see me again when I feel ever so urged by the spirit to share and encourage because my cup has been so filled and I need to share the living water overflow.

Until then, I wish for grace and empowerment.

Month of Work Life Reflection.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’ll go straight into it; the first week was amazing. God had shown so SO much GRACE… with such little things like someone giving me their cough drops from Canada or someone else holding an umbrella under my head while searching for my car keys after the drop off at the bus stop. Work itself was incredibly marvelous with one being so close and intimate like an apprenticeship for a small luxury business and the other walking around all day searching for fabrics (keeping me on my feet and not looking at numbers all day). He’s been… so good. And for once my parents (and friends) so proud to see me out and bout into the industry, using my degree, going to NYC 5 days a week, even I felt “settled” and “safe” or “getting my adult life going”.

But I can’t lie, there were moments sitting there thinking why am I not out there creating? Getting a steady income is great and all but I was once told “money will come, there are a million being made right now in a warehouse somewhere”. I say this with all financial reality in mind such as providing for a family, taxes, rent, etc. When I say I want to be an artist, I wish people didn’t have a stereotypical view on that career; lazy, hippy-like, avoiding responsibilities… and I think I’m afraid to tell people what I really want to be.

I never imagined myself working under someone after college, even in high school. I think some people are just born and raised to think about getting a degree to get a job to provide for yourself and family to inspire your children about the same cycle WHICH is not a bad thing. But when I looked at my life 10 years from middle school AND high school AND college, I saw myself creating. (I can just hear all the 50 year old parents shaking their heads reading this saying “pfftt. millennials”).

I don’t say this with a light heart, I want to become an artist. It’s not that I don’t want to do nothing or work hard, live the easy life… I just want to create. Maybe it’s the child in me that doesn’t want to escape but there has to be more to life than just one career and one direction to success.

God. I haven’t prayed to you in a while or sung to you or thought about you (more like ignore you) but I’ve discovered adult-ish things like building a reputation and self presentation and you’ve probably done your best to not let it consume me. But God, you know my heart more than I know it, all I want is to strive for happiness with all the dirt that comes with living life. So I pray would you surround me with people who can build up this hope/this dream that others might call childish and would you help me strive after you? Are my dreams part of your will? or are they something that I’ve just conjured up myself for my satisfaction? Does your will involve me in something I detest? I feel like I’m talking to the sorting hat in Harry Potter when Harry tries to convince the hat to put him in Gyriffindor. God I guess in the same why I’m asking to really be placed in somewhere I can creatively thrive. Please.
Thank You for today and Happy Belated Birthday Jesus. Thanks for indescribably everything. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.  

Future Anxieties. JOOYUH

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So currently it’s October. mid-October. 23 years old. Year and 5 months after graduating college. Working on my brother’s cosplay costume for halloween. huh…

If I put it this way, it makes me really think about myself with others and where they are, what they’re doing, and it really gets you thinking. What am I doing. What have I done?

And after contemplating on that thought, I’m sure like everyone else, anxiety hits and you’re thinking about a million things you did NOT do and thoughts of failure starts to creep in.

BUT through the grace of God, I’m able to breathe easy and find peace from all these questions knowing that He is the “man with the plan” and thankfully, the man with the plan loves me. *sigh*

I really started typing with the idea of writing about what I was thinking about, my anxieties, but right now I just want to share how good God is. In this exact moment, God says, “It’s okay” and that’s really all I need. He’s really all I need. Whoa.

God. It’s again so incredible to be at this place where my complaining self shuts off and I’m able to find so much peace knowing you are real. My future is quite jumbled to try and see what I’m going to pursue in my career, my life, with people but one thing I know for sure is that I will try to pursue you… with all the crap that I carry, I’m gonna try my hardest to pursue you and your kingdom. So help me God. Help me when I can’t find faith and strenght to follow you, to bring me back to you always. Lead me to my cross and help me in all the places I lack so that I can be disciplined to your kingdom. I love you God. In Jesus name, Amen.

Father’s Heart.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I felt like I felt a bit of “Father’s Love” today. (*understatement after writing all this. then again how much of an understatement that other statement when Father’s Love is imcomprendably big… *poof mind blown*)

Our God is a God who loves, who asks for nothing in return other than our love for him, our faith in him and even with that we fail.

Today my dad and I talked finances and let me just say, I’ve been “privileged”. And I’m not sure if I can say blessed yet because my family isn’t christian and we don’t thank God for provision or pray before we eat… things like that. Anyway, I grew up getting most things what I want and in a very asian culture, family is family for life kinda way. My dad sent me through college and I won’t say the exact amount but let just say it was in NYC so that usually should sum the general amount. And it was agreed before I started college that I’d pay off half and even that is a BIG thank you. But today I talked with my dad about life and money and how much I had really spent with living expenses and I spoke to him about paying him back… and all he said to me was that he doesn’t expect me to pay him back. I’ve talked to him about this before and he said things like, “you’re my daughter, of course” or “it’s because I love you” but it never really had strike me until today; the relation of a Father’s heart.

Immediately a motivation to work hard and pay him off by surprise passed me knowing that the amount that was agreed to be paid off wouldn’t even make up for the life my dad’s given me throughout my 23 years. His hard work, sweat, and working everyday, even Sundays and holidays to give a life for his family… he ONLY TOOK NEW YEARS DAY OFF!… all to give his family a living…

In the same way, God doesn’t ask for anything in return. I don’t even think he asks for us to love him… (okay I’m sure he does somewhere in the bible) but he doesn’t really push it in our faces like, “why don’t you love me?! I did this this this this… ” and only when we need him to say it to remind us but only for our hearts and for us to know what he’d done for us. -sigh- He’s just loving us. Period. without expecting anything in return. That love, is so.. so.. soooo precious. I’ve fallen countless numbers of times, even when I was unaware of his blessings, I’ve just been taking good things … like I deserved them, like that gold sticker we get for sitting down to eat and listening well to the teachers… behaving! LOL MILLENNIALS.

God, first off.. just Thank you. on behalf of my family if thats possible for providing. For the store and the food in the refrigerator, THE REFRIGERATOR. I don’t think me, my sister, my brother, my parents stop enough to take a moment to think that although we are not well off, we are well off. “Everyday is thanksgiving.” I re-get that today. Thank you for my family, for the love that’s poured into it already beyond the brokenness… I don’t know what to say but I know what to do and it’s to just glorify your name in it all. And ya, people who don’t believe in you may say that is foolish, that my dad earned the money through his own heart, sweat, and hardwork, but there’s no way. There are so many people who put their heart, sweat, and hardwork into the things they love to have it fall. So thank you God for being present even when not all of us see you…
And second, thank you for your cross lord. Thank you for allowing me to rejoice with you in the fact that I can talk to you and feel you loving me and have me love you back. I’m so blind. So many times, yesterday, today, weeks ago, and sadly, most-likely, weeks to come… BUT *lol* you still love me, this defected human heart not even functional to do what’s it’s functioned to do which is to believe in you, your love, pour it upon each other, and back to you…

I’m sorry that I can’t be enough… 

and you still love, love faulty me, love the orphans that have yet to call you Abba.. 

I can’t grasp all of you, all of your love but I pray that you’d open my heart to seriously get most of it. I just am at a lost for words. YOU ARE GOOD. and I, through the many brokenness around me, have faith that your kingdom will come. Lord, let me never stop saying Thank you. You are really all I need so let me always come back to you, to this, to prayer, to talking with you. PRINCE OF PEACE. I love you. I pray all these things in your son’s awesome mighty lovely name, Amen. 

Day 4. Day 5.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t upload anything because I had work all day and I honestly kept getting distracted from touching upon God’s word or presence. Wow how crazy weak.

But Day 4. Thursday in a jiffy was an annoying work day. Customers were annoying and I was annoyed so a lot of things came out not so pleasantly or lovely. Caught myself that I wasn’t glorifying God in any matter by being this way but these were all glimpses of thoughts. Like I said before, a lot of distractions and mor e annoyances but by the end of the day, I wanted to lead by love; my love for God. Although every day will not be a beautiful, relaxing, receive-God’s blessings day, I knew that all that mattered at the end of the day was worshipping his name and proclaiming my love for him.

Today Day 5. A friend finally responded to my text about me asking him if he had any prayer requests which I had sent 3 days ago. Anyway he responded and also asked if I was still feeling rejuvenated by Jesus. I responded and after clicking send, I don’t know why but a wave of realization hit me. People, my brothers and sisters prayed for me; and I have yet to thank them. And thank God for the people that he has blessed me with in my life for everything…

How flawed we are to really take things for granted.

God. Thank you. Thank you for day 4 and 5 on this renewed journey and I’m sure there will be but hopefully not more day 4 and 5 where you pick me up and put me back on solid ground. But on top of that, thank you for today for having me realize how precious the people, the brothers and sisters that surround me are. The few that really know me down to my flaws and the people who still accept and embrace me through love, I don’t deserve this love in anyway or form. But God as I’ve heard in rap songs, Blessings on blessings on blessing. God you are so good and when I don’t even deserve it. I love you God. I pray for these relationships that we would continually remind each other of your joy and goodness through our own actions and that you’d be glorified in the love we share for one another. You’re so great God. I love you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Day 2.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s now the second day after God pulled me out from deep waters (metaphorically speaking again of course) and I catch myself confused and almost shocked of how “Okay” I am.

I’m not suffocating, I’m not sad or on the verge of crying. And all these things were super real and up to my neck less than a week ago. It’s actually crazy. And I’m sharing all these lovely hopeful truths about God more because I want to share God’s goodness but if this was anyone else, I’d probably think, “This girl is bipolar.”

I’m saved. Again. Again and Again by the King of Kings and it’s hitting me now. There are so many times I’ve failed and so many things that probably should have ended with me drowning in my own hate and bitterness, but he didn’t let go of me.

My heart going from resentment/suffocation to joy and hopefulness in 3 days is just unreal. Do regular people without God go through this? In just 3 days?

God, I … Your glory in this situation is so big that I can’t comprehend it with my small mind and heart. But when I do stop, really stop to see myself when I’m alone right now… I can’t believe how secure I feel . I don’t have a job in the design industry, 23, single, broken family, still on this broken world and you, you are all that matters right now. Just yesterday after embarking on a new refreshed journey to bring you glory, I was still nervous and afraid. The world was scary to proclaim your name, but today, I honestly want every person I’ve met to know that you are so precious and selfless and limitless and so much more than anything this world says otherwise. The only thing I’m nervous for now is losing this fire for you. This focus and this strength. God I’m not perfect, but I ask desperately, won’t you provide the fire and help me provide the sacrifice. I know I can’t do it on my own, so let me not forget that it’s what you’ve done for me and not what I’ve done for you. I’m trying to not get high on your spirit so that I don’t fall hard but I’m praying, help my weak flesh and my willing spirit to love you always. Thank you for being so big, so awesome, so beautiful and creative and so loving towards such imperfect, failing beings. Thank you for redeeming us and thank you for saving us again and again. I love you. In Jesus name. Amen.

–

Yea. So I definitely needed to just pray it out. Less of me thinking to myself and more of me talking to Him. I’m probably gonna spend more time in worship but last thing.
I was really rejoicing today. Although I don’t have my circumstance fixed and “all better”, I have hope and wanted to say that it was really just all of God’s amazing Grace and unfailing love. I don’t have perfect pitch and I don’t have … guitar talent/strumming skills but I love expressing the love and truth that comes with God. Working on that #courage.

This is Amazing Grace (Cover)

Sunday 8.21.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“I didn’t want to come today.
But I did, For Ally, to not bail.
God I am yours & you are mine
I am your child.
You asked me “How can I help you?”
I’m asking Lord to give me..
something to be passionate for.
This world is too sad for me.
I’m stuck in the dark now,
would your spirit bring me truth?”

–

I wrote this in my journal before service started, not knowing the blessings to come that day.

Backstory of what I’ve been going through. I’ve been sad for about a month now. Around the end of July, everything that I held close to me fell apart. Starting with family, I started feel resentment and bitterness towards my brother for not trying; not trying to get better, seeing the pessimistic outcome of everything, shutting down my optimism, I eventually felt no love for him. I could have cared less what would happen to him because why do I have to try when he’s not even trying or showing that he wants to get better? Next to this all my close friends that I see on a weekly basis were all physically / distance wise dispersing from me; either going to grad school in PennState, visiting dad in Japan, vacation in Cali, missions in Ohio… they were all .. so far from me. And behind it all was the question that’s been lingering for a year, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Eventually I couldn’t find peace. God existed but I couldn’t seem to access his peace while working at my dad’s retail store pricing, cashiering, through the thank-yous, have-a-nice-days; I was suffocating. And I fell into a existential crisis spiral. Whats the point? What’s the point of working hard to build a career and hoping for a future when I could die at any point and all the hard work will die with me.

Temporarily I felt better, when I was with friends, when I was hanging out with my brother and sister at Dave and Busters, doing the leisurely things. I sought after fearlessness in God’s love and tried to like as if I would die tomorrow. It helped a little to get my work produced. I even took on the title “artist” over “fashion designer” because I felt so boxed in the idea of who a fashion designer is. But all in all, I didn’t feel like myself. A part of me died and it was the hopeful part of me; the optimist, open-minded, 2nd chance giving, everyone-loving part. I felt like a negative black aura ball of annoying bitterness and sadness and didn’t know if I could ever get back to this old me. Looking at old picture of me smiling made me sad inside that this girl was no longer with me. (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s genuinely how I felt.)

Then it was Sunday. John 6:12. Feeding of 5 thousand, Walking on Water, Immediate Desperation. 3 things struck in from Paster Joe’s message.

Are you after his providence? Or Him?
I am, is here.
Believe in Jesus.

I realized my sadness came from searching for more. There was a day during my moping when I told God, God, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied of this world. And this came from my previous desire to want to experience the world, adventure, travel, breathe in what it means to be alive and risk dangers, work hard, hit success etc etc.
My flaw was this. I stopped holding God’s hand through it all. I stopped depending on his spirit and tried flying on my own with God on a leash. God if I fall, you’ll catch me. If things get hard while trying to do this, you’re going to give me your strength right? I stopped living for God and tried living for myself with God as a safety. SMH at myself.

“Jesus where were you? We want more food!”
“Do not look for food that will spoil, look for food that endures eternal life.”
“What are we supposed to do? how do we get what we are looking for?”
“Believe in Jesus. If we go looking for jewels in Jesus’s hands, we will ALWAYS BE UNSATISFIED. What we need to do is want JESUS.” – Paster Joe.

John 6:29 The work of God is this: to BELIEVE in the one he has sent.” 

–

God. I learned today that you should lead. Lead me to your glory. You are not part of my story, I am part of yours. I tried, on my own & with you to think of how to be successful, to seek happiness and I found none. No hope for my future. “Do you know your future?” Whether life goes well or unfortunately, Will you constantly provide for your will to be done. For your glory to shine and all I want to be is a part of your kingdom.
So God, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what’d best for me. I don’t know what path I’ll choose to be satisfied. But God, serving you, to be near you, to be with you a the end of this tunnel, that will satisfy my soul. Not what you give. Not what you do. not what you fill me with. God, I seek you. I seek your son Jesus, and his heart in all this that I most likely won’t comprehend.
Remind me to never let go of your hand, remind me to seek your presence in all I do for you. Remind me that you love me in such a remarkable way. Remind me of your cross and remind me that you are here. Lead me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen. 

–

After service, I found myself breathing easy again. I escaped to have a personal retreat away from friends and family and read Crazy Love (given to me as a bday gift from Ally lol “it all circles around”) by Francis Chan and it was amazing. I feel hopeful again. I feel like I have purpose again and relayed (for like the 5th time) a new foundation to what I want to pursue.

My Passion? : To love God First, seek his glory and eternity, to encourage and share God’s glory. To act on God’s words, not mine.

I know that these are all words until it’s actually done and it’s not like I’m better over night. I’m currently fasting, and praying for a desire for Jesus again. And I have.. SO MUCH to work on like humility and patience, but I have hope. Praise Jesus.

 

Status Update. 7.30.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

Mark 11. Believe

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“Then Jesus said to the disciples, “Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.”‭‭Mark‬ ‭11:22-23‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I think sometimes we have little faith because so many times the things we prayed for in the past hasn’t been answered. Yes, sometimes God’s answer is no but maybe it has to do with how much we believe that he can move mountains. 

God, if I look deep down my heart, I think I have an anxiety that I will let myself down in finding a job but right now I’m asking, may this anxiety be lifted up and thrown into the sea. I have full faith in you and if there is a part of me that doesn’t that I’m unaware of, I pray that you’d help me forgive whatever is in my heart so I can be free in your spirit. You are my living, might God and nothing can separate your love for me. I love you. In Jesus name, Amen.