God

October 30th, 2023. Hello @ thinkgrapefruit.com

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

2023. I cannot believe I am here once more and this was not on my own accord.

It seems God is leading me to types of “expression” or “art” that I don’t feel very confident in.

I can hear him now. “how would you know that it was me?”

I’ve come to realize I’m a very simple human, no schemes, no tricks. Not because I’m “holier than thou” but because I really don’t think my brain was built to handle such a maze of complex, algorithmic ideas that somehow streamline my goal. And God truly utilizes this and treats me so and I’m thankful. Thankful for a God who knows me and speaks simply and clearly because he knew, if I had confidence in what I do, I would have given the glory to my natural talent and pride myself on my skills rather than rely on his good spirit.

So here I am.

I would ask for grace for my literature and language for it’s filled with metaphors and I’m not quite literal or matter of fact when it comes to written communication, but I am just now grasping the celebration of how I think, how I write, how I speak and I cannot apologize for this now I believe this was how I was designed. (of course, I will still strive to activate parts of my weaker pockets of literacy and communicate in ways that could be understood by more).

So welcome. Welcome to you and welcome spirit of thought that was trusted to me for who knows how long.

I really don’t know what’s to come. (again you can tell it’s God working here because if it was up to me, you know I would dig hard into branding and finding a voice, tailoring it for an audience thanks to my 2D communication class sophomore year @ Parsons.)

But here’s a post just to get my fingers warmed up.
Here’s a post just to put in some work (oof speaking of, for some reason I cannot seem to do, I really think I may have adhd. maybe I’ll explore that later… !!)

Here’s to the beginning or perhaps middle of all that God had lead me towards/leading me into.

I am so scared you guys. But I’m just leaping in and saying “yes Lord” and I tear up because the Doris I knew for the past 4 years since my 2019 post wrestled to say this with confidence. I am no pastor, I am not a literate writer, I wasn’t born and raised Christian, nor did I read books as a hobby for fun (until I moved back to NYC – lots to update. maybe I’ll explore that as well later…. !). But this just seats me further into the seat of trust that this is beyond me.

Spirit, be kind. My flesh limits my soul. My soul, have grace and confidence for you are not in this alone. Father God, may I never forget why and how and for whom. I lift my time, the words, and whatever that’s to come to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Written by: A person just thinking grapefuit.

2019 Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

WOWOW. It’s been a hot minute, or rather two years and 4 months since I’ve written anything on this platform. Does anyone still follow this account?? if so, hello.

In the time that passed since my last post, I’ve stopped posting publicly about all my thoughts and feelings, just as someone might not upload every conversation they had with a friend or family member, I’ve turned to a more “private” person. Prayers and realizations unless I’m urged with the spirit to share are kept between me and God.

God has been nonetheless good. I look back to April 2017 when I was working at a 9-5 job in a cubicle and now where I still struggle with my many aspirations and so much has changed. My confidence in the worth I have for me from God, and seeing God move, work, speak has been magnified.

From OTR, AMI women’s conference, Experiencing God, to many failures and disappointments, as well as fasts, and playing bass on Worship Team all while working at sketch events has been… so filling. God has never left my side and he doesn’t plan on leaving soon.

Dear future Doris in 2 years I’m guessing, when you look back to 2019, I hope you’re filled with awe once more for our God. I can’t imagine who I’ll be in 2021 and how much more firmly I’ll be grounded in my faith and my identity but I’m sure God has been Good through it all. He’s brought me this far and he doesn’t owe me another step yet I’m overwhelmed by his affection for me right now. I feel so watched over, I feel so guided and advised away from things that’ll slow down all the gifts he has given me and propelled towards love, life, and freedom. Like I could yell Jesus is Lord from my gut, that’s the kind of Love that I’ve been living and breathing in. Hopefully you are not in that room still… but if you are.. it’s okay, 2019 Doris still loves you for it.

It’s less proving my worth, so it’s not likely that I’ll be back anytime soon… but you’ll see me again when I feel ever so urged by the spirit to share and encourage because my cup has been so filled and I need to share the living water overflow.

Until then, I wish for grace and empowerment.

Month of Work Life Reflection.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’ll go straight into it; the first week was amazing. God had shown so SO much GRACE… with such little things like someone giving me their cough drops from Canada or someone else holding an umbrella under my head while searching for my car keys after the drop off at the bus stop. Work itself was incredibly marvelous with one being so close and intimate like an apprenticeship for a small luxury business and the other walking around all day searching for fabrics (keeping me on my feet and not looking at numbers all day). He’s been… so good. And for once my parents (and friends) so proud to see me out and bout into the industry, using my degree, going to NYC 5 days a week, even I felt “settled” and “safe” or “getting my adult life going”.

But I can’t lie, there were moments sitting there thinking why am I not out there creating? Getting a steady income is great and all but I was once told “money will come, there are a million being made right now in a warehouse somewhere”. I say this with all financial reality in mind such as providing for a family, taxes, rent, etc. When I say I want to be an artist, I wish people didn’t have a stereotypical view on that career; lazy, hippy-like, avoiding responsibilities… and I think I’m afraid to tell people what I really want to be.

I never imagined myself working under someone after college, even in high school. I think some people are just born and raised to think about getting a degree to get a job to provide for yourself and family to inspire your children about the same cycle WHICH is not a bad thing. But when I looked at my life 10 years from middle school AND high school AND college, I saw myself creating. (I can just hear all the 50 year old parents shaking their heads reading this saying “pfftt. millennials”).

I don’t say this with a light heart, I want to become an artist. It’s not that I don’t want to do nothing or work hard, live the easy life… I just want to create. Maybe it’s the child in me that doesn’t want to escape but there has to be more to life than just one career and one direction to success.

God. I haven’t prayed to you in a while or sung to you or thought about you (more like ignore you) but I’ve discovered adult-ish things like building a reputation and self presentation and you’ve probably done your best to not let it consume me. But God, you know my heart more than I know it, all I want is to strive for happiness with all the dirt that comes with living life. So I pray would you surround me with people who can build up this hope/this dream that others might call childish and would you help me strive after you? Are my dreams part of your will? or are they something that I’ve just conjured up myself for my satisfaction? Does your will involve me in something I detest? I feel like I’m talking to the sorting hat in Harry Potter when Harry tries to convince the hat to put him in Gyriffindor. God I guess in the same why I’m asking to really be placed in somewhere I can creatively thrive. Please.
Thank You for today and Happy Belated Birthday Jesus. Thanks for indescribably everything. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.  

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Day 2.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s now the second day after God pulled me out from deep waters (metaphorically speaking again of course) and I catch myself confused and almost shocked of how “Okay” I am.

I’m not suffocating, I’m not sad or on the verge of crying. And all these things were super real and up to my neck less than a week ago. It’s actually crazy. And I’m sharing all these lovely hopeful truths about God more because I want to share God’s goodness but if this was anyone else, I’d probably think, “This girl is bipolar.”

I’m saved. Again. Again and Again by the King of Kings and it’s hitting me now. There are so many times I’ve failed and so many things that probably should have ended with me drowning in my own hate and bitterness, but he didn’t let go of me.

My heart going from resentment/suffocation to joy and hopefulness in 3 days is just unreal. Do regular people without God go through this? In just 3 days?

God, I … Your glory in this situation is so big that I can’t comprehend it with my small mind and heart. But when I do stop, really stop to see myself when I’m alone right now… I can’t believe how secure I feel . I don’t have a job in the design industry, 23, single, broken family, still on this broken world and you, you are all that matters right now. Just yesterday after embarking on a new refreshed journey to bring you glory, I was still nervous and afraid. The world was scary to proclaim your name, but today, I honestly want every person I’ve met to know that you are so precious and selfless and limitless and so much more than anything this world says otherwise. The only thing I’m nervous for now is losing this fire for you. This focus and this strength. God I’m not perfect, but I ask desperately, won’t you provide the fire and help me provide the sacrifice. I know I can’t do it on my own, so let me not forget that it’s what you’ve done for me and not what I’ve done for you. I’m trying to not get high on your spirit so that I don’t fall hard but I’m praying, help my weak flesh and my willing spirit to love you always. Thank you for being so big, so awesome, so beautiful and creative and so loving towards such imperfect, failing beings. Thank you for redeeming us and thank you for saving us again and again. I love you. In Jesus name. Amen.

–

Yea. So I definitely needed to just pray it out. Less of me thinking to myself and more of me talking to Him. I’m probably gonna spend more time in worship but last thing.
I was really rejoicing today. Although I don’t have my circumstance fixed and “all better”, I have hope and wanted to say that it was really just all of God’s amazing Grace and unfailing love. I don’t have perfect pitch and I don’t have … guitar talent/strumming skills but I love expressing the love and truth that comes with God. Working on that #courage.

This is Amazing Grace (Cover)

Sunday 8.21.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“I didn’t want to come today.
But I did, For Ally, to not bail.
God I am yours & you are mine
I am your child.
You asked me “How can I help you?”
I’m asking Lord to give me..
something to be passionate for.
This world is too sad for me.
I’m stuck in the dark now,
would your spirit bring me truth?”

–

I wrote this in my journal before service started, not knowing the blessings to come that day.

Backstory of what I’ve been going through. I’ve been sad for about a month now. Around the end of July, everything that I held close to me fell apart. Starting with family, I started feel resentment and bitterness towards my brother for not trying; not trying to get better, seeing the pessimistic outcome of everything, shutting down my optimism, I eventually felt no love for him. I could have cared less what would happen to him because why do I have to try when he’s not even trying or showing that he wants to get better? Next to this all my close friends that I see on a weekly basis were all physically / distance wise dispersing from me; either going to grad school in PennState, visiting dad in Japan, vacation in Cali, missions in Ohio… they were all .. so far from me. And behind it all was the question that’s been lingering for a year, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Eventually I couldn’t find peace. God existed but I couldn’t seem to access his peace while working at my dad’s retail store pricing, cashiering, through the thank-yous, have-a-nice-days; I was suffocating. And I fell into a existential crisis spiral. Whats the point? What’s the point of working hard to build a career and hoping for a future when I could die at any point and all the hard work will die with me.

Temporarily I felt better, when I was with friends, when I was hanging out with my brother and sister at Dave and Busters, doing the leisurely things. I sought after fearlessness in God’s love and tried to like as if I would die tomorrow. It helped a little to get my work produced. I even took on the title “artist” over “fashion designer” because I felt so boxed in the idea of who a fashion designer is. But all in all, I didn’t feel like myself. A part of me died and it was the hopeful part of me; the optimist, open-minded, 2nd chance giving, everyone-loving part. I felt like a negative black aura ball of annoying bitterness and sadness and didn’t know if I could ever get back to this old me. Looking at old picture of me smiling made me sad inside that this girl was no longer with me. (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s genuinely how I felt.)

Then it was Sunday. John 6:12. Feeding of 5 thousand, Walking on Water, Immediate Desperation. 3 things struck in from Paster Joe’s message.

Are you after his providence? Or Him?
I am, is here.
Believe in Jesus.

I realized my sadness came from searching for more. There was a day during my moping when I told God, God, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied of this world. And this came from my previous desire to want to experience the world, adventure, travel, breathe in what it means to be alive and risk dangers, work hard, hit success etc etc.
My flaw was this. I stopped holding God’s hand through it all. I stopped depending on his spirit and tried flying on my own with God on a leash. God if I fall, you’ll catch me. If things get hard while trying to do this, you’re going to give me your strength right? I stopped living for God and tried living for myself with God as a safety. SMH at myself.

“Jesus where were you? We want more food!”
“Do not look for food that will spoil, look for food that endures eternal life.”
“What are we supposed to do? how do we get what we are looking for?”
“Believe in Jesus. If we go looking for jewels in Jesus’s hands, we will ALWAYS BE UNSATISFIED. What we need to do is want JESUS.” – Paster Joe.

John 6:29 The work of God is this: to BELIEVE in the one he has sent.” 

–

God. I learned today that you should lead. Lead me to your glory. You are not part of my story, I am part of yours. I tried, on my own & with you to think of how to be successful, to seek happiness and I found none. No hope for my future. “Do you know your future?” Whether life goes well or unfortunately, Will you constantly provide for your will to be done. For your glory to shine and all I want to be is a part of your kingdom.
So God, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what’d best for me. I don’t know what path I’ll choose to be satisfied. But God, serving you, to be near you, to be with you a the end of this tunnel, that will satisfy my soul. Not what you give. Not what you do. not what you fill me with. God, I seek you. I seek your son Jesus, and his heart in all this that I most likely won’t comprehend.
Remind me to never let go of your hand, remind me to seek your presence in all I do for you. Remind me that you love me in such a remarkable way. Remind me of your cross and remind me that you are here. Lead me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen. 

–

After service, I found myself breathing easy again. I escaped to have a personal retreat away from friends and family and read Crazy Love (given to me as a bday gift from Ally lol “it all circles around”) by Francis Chan and it was amazing. I feel hopeful again. I feel like I have purpose again and relayed (for like the 5th time) a new foundation to what I want to pursue.

My Passion? : To love God First, seek his glory and eternity, to encourage and share God’s glory. To act on God’s words, not mine.

I know that these are all words until it’s actually done and it’s not like I’m better over night. I’m currently fasting, and praying for a desire for Jesus again. And I have.. SO MUCH to work on like humility and patience, but I have hope. Praise Jesus.

 

Mark 5. Fearfully Miraculous God

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I think these are one of the most recognizable stories in the Bible and it’s so interesting how it can help your faith in little ways no matter how far you are spiritually.

Mark 5 really spoke on faith today. Sometimes God pulls miraculous things that are almost fearful to us and sometimes we lack the faith to believe he can revive a hopeless situation. I thought of my family while reading this and there was a time that I didn’t believe God can change my family but like in verse 34, ““Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.” I am truly relying on God right now to work in my family and it’ll be a long patience practice but he will provide me with peace that he is a fearfully miraculous God. The women was bleeding for 12 years and maybe my family’s healing may take 12 or more years but I’m just going to keep believing in our victorious God that he will heal and for more steadfast faith in Him. 

Father God, thank you for this day where I am able to once again wake up to glorify your name. My life goes on as you call me worthy because of what you’ve done and Lord, my heart truly cries for you. I pray that I’d be protected from discouragements and that I’d look to your mighty hands when all seems to fail. Lord you are my strength and peace, literally and I would not be this sane without you so thank you for providing me with this freedom. I pray that I’d be led on your spirit and not my own thoughts and that you’d embrace me this week. In Jesus name. Amen.

Genesis 2:4-25 / Genesis 3. God desires Us

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

virtual-hands-could-help-improve-the-lives-of-stroke-victims

Oy Oy Here we Go.

Genesis 2:7
then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

This verse struck me to come to an understanding that without God, we’re just a bag of bones, a body without spirit and I thought it was beautiful to think that life was breathed into us.

Genesis 2:15-17
The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

Genesis 3:10-11
And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?”

This is such a heavy topic to me, the source of our relationship with God. God created the earth and sky and called it good. He filled it with animals of the sea, land, and sky and called them good. Then he created man to watch over and take care of all that he created. It leaves a lot of people, including myself, asking, why God? Why create imperfect beings, with a tree that would lead to separation with you?

God created us with free will because without it, what would be the point? What better are we then than rocks that do whatever we’re told. God gave us a spirit and he wanted us to desire Him without him making us desire him.

Temptation is a scary thing, because it takes one second longer of a thought that can lead to something else. Temptation promises us of satisfaction now but that’s not what we really need. We need a satisfaction that lasts forever and we think we can find it in so many things but it fails us and takes a piece of uswith it. It honestly comes to our God who is everlasting. So life is a struggle thanks to our own desire to seek things that satisfy us, but God wants to give us peace, God wants to provide and make us whole again.

Are we seeking for things that satisfy our desires and curiosities that God said specifically not to go near? It’s a hard question because it’s denying ourselves and in this generation where individualism and independence is encouraged, it’s hard to rethink how we were raised, but as a 22 year old who wasn’t born into a christian family, being in church fighting for my faith for almost 3 years, I’m already starting to see how much more God has to offer for my heart than this world.

God thank you for the courage to bring me back to this difficult devotional where I struggled to seek your truth. God your truth is that you want us to be whole, and we were whole when we were with you in that garden. We drove us apart and yet you’ve seem to still want us and by sending your son, you found a way back to our hearts. God I pray for the brothers and sisters that have not seen how much you can give. I pray that they’d be unblinded into seeing what is true and that you’d loosen them from temptation’s grip. This world is so shiny, like a juicy apple asking us for a taste, but God let our heart and mind focus on depending on the perfect source of love for our souls and protect us from things that stumble our faith. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Psalm 51. Broken Hearts Wanted

~ DL ~ Leave a comment
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

During this lent season, we’re giving up (fasting) one thing to give up to God and it may seem like a healthy spiritual thing to do to not get too attached to this world. But what God truly desires is our heart in this. A heart that desires change, a heart that acknowledges its brokenness and heart that desires God’s spirit. I pray that we wouldn’t be so caught up in giving a thing up because we have to but because we know that through it, God can fill us in that area with more of his presence.

Near the Broken-hearted

~ DL ~ Leave a comment


“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and
saves the crushed in spirit.”‭‭Psalm‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭ESV‬

I think we hear l or we know in our minds that God is near but Reading it today, that he is near the broken-hearted ready to save is so renewing. He wants to give us comfort and hope and all simply altering calling to Him he provides his affections.

Lord I pray for the broken-hearted to sense your presence. Many times we feel as though we have been abandoned when trouble comes our way but remind us again that you are closer than ever when we are broken and crushed in spirit. I pray that it would encourage brothers and sisters to more willing to depend on your spirit. I love you lord, thank you for this morning, in Jesus name, Amen.