father

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

1 Thessalonians 3 – “Loving One Another”

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(I started reading 1 Thessalonians 3 and after reading a paragraph and a half’s worth, I with shock realized it was a short chapter and was thinking oh my gosh, it’s almost over and haven’t absorbed anything… I need to go back and re-read more slowly. I think at times it’s easy to read the bible while floating along, doing the motions, and the same goes with everyday life. Sometimes we don’t see how quick the end comes and unfortunately we can’t go back to re-do our life more slowly and meaningfully. Just thought I’d share before I start.)

12and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you,

Recently I’ve been feeling really bitter about this verse or anything that has to do with love one another. I often try to see the best in people and I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to have bad relations with anyone and at times I wish God has given me a personality that was more indifferent when it comes to community. That person doesn’t like me? That’s okay we don’t all have to get along and be friends. But for me it’s hard to accept that because why not? Especially in the christian community, it’s painful to see a brothers and sisters not getting along or not trying. I realized no matter how different we are on the outside, we are still all children of God and our Father is our bond to one another; it’s the matter of willingness and effort to seek the heart and spirit within them to see the beauty that God sees in them.

Now I know what your thinking, someone may be thinking the same thing about you how you may not seem so loving and trying. I know, we’re all flawed and we have sin to blame and Jesus to celebrate but I guess it really hurts when people you thought were friends hurt you the same making you feel you guys never were in the first place. I guess I expected more when it came to Christians because we’re in a community where we strive to love or fight for one another.

At times I do feel lonely, I’m serving at the college ministry when I’m not a college student anymore and all my friends that I considered myself to be “chill” with have left the community or left their faith. I’m surrounded by underclassmen but even then feel secluded not being in their grade. After feeling unwanted a lot of thoughts come to mind, is it because I’m a bit larger? is it because I’m too loud or have no personality? What I mean by no personality is that I can’t really say I’m known for a specific thing than being all over the place. I’m a sensitive person behind the jokes and toughness I seem to show and like saying before, I wish I was more indifferent. But all these thoughts and feelings leave me resenting myself for who God made me to be.

Yesterday after spending a beautiful time worshiping and praying and being filled, I encountered another situation where I felt out-of-place and made me realize, wow, without God’s presence and living in the Holy Spirit, we are so easily prone to being affected and hurt and angry. While driving home, I dealt with those “lies” in my head that the flaw was with me, I’m the problem why I’m not loved. But the son No longer slaves came on and I ended up yelling freely in my car, “I AM SENSITIVE AND GOD LOVES ME FOR IT!” And as cheesy it may sound, my definition isn’t Doris – large, loud, no personality but it’s Doris – child of God and that enough to suffice my identity.

I know that there will be no day where we would bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy (Mean Girls ref. lol) until that day comes where we reunite with our Father in Heaven. But until that day comes I hope that we can all strive for our identity in Christ in trying to love one another because he loved us when we were undeserving. He calls us child when we’ve run away and rebelled, so with that same heart that is in us, lets love one another.

Father God, you are so great and so amazing to have sent your son, for us to be able to reconnect with you, to be able to receive your love and grace and to be made anew. Lord you have given us so much, let us be so proud to be your child and walk proudly with power knowing that you are with us wherever you go. Thank you for the personality you gave me and thank you for always loving me through my flaws and outbreaks. You are a mighty God and I love you so much. Let your spirit always suffice each and everyday. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Matthew 28 – Greetings

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭28:9‬ ‭NIV‬

I find it so beautiful that the first thing Jesus says after being ressurected from the dead was ‘greetings’. If a king and savior has resurrected from the dead, I would imagine, “I have risen and I have proven you wrong, I am the almighty!!!” Or something more grandure but he says hello and it melts my heart that he would still be humble and still remember us, still say hi to us. 

My most intimate moments during prayer after I haven’t prayed in a while is when I’m ready to pray and he say, “hi Doris”. He says hello to begin the conversation and/or for me to listen. The almighty savior says hello to the hopeless, the broken, his child, his precious son / daughter and praise him for that. 

Hi God. Thankyou for alway being here for me and listening to me. Father how precious is the gift you have to us, this quality of love and being able to share it. You have sacrificed your son to love me and help me to do the same. Help me to sacrifice my pride and my time to be close to you, to spend time all day thinking of you and talking to you knowing that you are near that you are always present. Holy is my father and sovereign is his love. Widen my heart to be filled with more of your love. I love you God. In Jesus name, Amen.

Matthew 10

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Recently my parents have been burdening my heart. My mom gave up Christianity when my brother was going through a hard time in school. “There is No God who would put me and my family through this kind of stress,” she said. My dad tried Christianity but kept to his ways of his southern korean tradition of “being a men”. “I will never shed tears because I am a man and your dad.” And being an overly emotional person, I cry at sad endings, frustrations, joys and it’s just a messy conversation when the three of us start talking about life and future and ‘what is right’.

34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
 

It kinda threw me into shock after reading Matthew 10:34-39. It also made me think of Matthew 8: 21-22 Another of the disciples said to him, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.” My first thought is God What? Didn’t you place me in this family for me? To think that God may ask me to turn away from my family to do his work is unsettling for me. Yes we get into argument and it’s not a perfect family but I love my family. If my whole family were to perish right now, I’m sure I would grow bitter at God.
Now thinking about how I would react and realize how much I hold on to my family so dearly must mean I’m still attached to this world. My brother once asked me, If you were to die right now, what would be the last thing you’d want to do? I thought about it and responded Say my goodbyes. It’s weird to think that God may not give me that opportunity or even have me turn against my family but if I think of the future for my kids, I would want them to rely on God’s unending love because I’m bound to fail somewhere. By revealing this passage I think God’s speaking to me that it’s okay that your parent and you are arguing. My name does that sometimes… *chuckles.

Father God, help me to grow into a wise, loving daughter of my parents but also to grow into a women of Christ that is willing to follow you for your greater purpose. Just like how we need to cut ties with bad influences such as friends in our lives, I think maybe it’s okay to cut the bad ties and influences our parents have on us like the words, ” You are unworthy”. Father you call me worthy, daughter, and child. Let this not be a rebel against my parents but have this become the strength that may lead them towards to understanding their place in your heart as well. Father help me to come to understand more of taking up my cross. Lord I pray for my future husband and family, children, I pray that they would love you more and rely more on your providence while respecting the family you have given them. My family is not eternal so Lord let my comfort come from my Father in Heaven and abide in you. In Jesus name, Amen.

All I need is you Lord
is you Lord
All I need is you Lord

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

Sin “Cavity”

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m sure many has had this image before or heard of the metaphor to ‘rid of the cavity’. But I’ll just share.
So this past week, not exactly sure when, (past Sunday?) I had this vision of a tooth and it was centered with a deep cavity and this cavity was our sin. But God came and made it new, cleaned out the cavity and it was now a clean hole in the tooth but instead of filling it with Filling, worldly possessions (“trash”) was filling up the hole.
It had me questioning my heart, “am I currently doing this? Filling this space that God cleaned out with my things?”

Father, I pray that I would have a heart so willing for you to fill me with your Love, Glory, and Purity. I know that if I fill it with my own things, I will feel pain again so God help me not to be tempted and let me focus on your spirit and love. In Jesus name, Amen.

Dusty Rock Tower

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So one thing I held onto since I was little was Fame.
I wanted to be a famous violinist, then a famous singer, famous actor, famous fashion designer, and even in small places like my christian community, I wanted fame. I wanted people to see me and say, “there goes Doris, so cool with life and God.” So when I realized on my way back from OTR (explained in Post-OTR) that I wanted all Glory, even God’s Glory to go to me, I ended up basking in shame. How could I use God like that.

This past Sunday service (which was also TRPC’s 20th Anniversary whoo! praise the lord!) one of the encouragements was that God will shake the heaven and earth to clean off that are not part of His Kingdom; everything that’s not, will crumble. And I guess this encouragement kinda spoke to me in a different way.
During Worship I saw this tower made out of fuzzy, gray, dust-like stone and God shook it and in the center was one rock, colorful, filled with God’s spirit. I just kept shaking my hands asking God to shake off those dusty gray rock, that he would rid of all things that were not for his Glory and that every rock that would make up who I am be colorful and filled with his spirit so that the tower may rise with and for his Glory.

God, I pray for every person in my church, for my brothers and sisters all over the world, and for me, that you would send a shaking, so that we may be able to see what we’re building our towers with. May we realized and be able to see that only your rock filled with your spirit will stand, be made strong, and will be filled with Glory. That we may realize our tower is not our own and can only last with your Power. My everlasting God, let us not seek after temporary things but your eternal love and glory. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever (Matthew 6:13). Amen.

Hand Full of Sand

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Source: http://www.stocksy.com/78778

During sunday service worship, I began to pray about trusting God and as I prayed for his guidance, I also prayed that I wouldn’t try to take matters into my own hands. I then had a vision of hands holding sand and as the hands tried hard to contain each and every grain, it failed to do so as the amount of sand began to slowly trickle away. But below the hands were another pair of hands, and it was the perfect father-like hands that held in every precious grain that fell and more. He spoke. I got you. Even if you try to take matters into your own hands, my hands will be right under yours to catch every grain you drop. It made me realize that whatever comes my way, whether I realize it or not, God will be right there besides me catching the things that my imperfect hands can’t hold.