family

Prayer for the Fam.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This is a bit more personal but I wanted to type it out because I want to remember and record that I prayed for my family for myself. So sorry if the next few posts are just prayers.


God. I pray for my Mom. And our relationship. She thinks her way and I think my way and we collide every time. Can you put a heart of understanding and patience, gentleness in both our hearts. Let us be humble, cover our pride with love over and over. And I pray for a release of bitterness and self-righteousness in our hearts. I also pray over my brother, that you’d be with him today and bless his day at school, his interactions, with his friends, with questions about life. I pray that you’d give Him hope through lots of laughs but also the strenght to confront and work on his conflicting problems. I pray for his therapist, that she’d lead him to the right direction and maybe even that you’d speak through her.

Please be with us today, tomorrow, and the day after, like you have the days before today. In Jesus name. Amen. 

Father’s Heart.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I felt like I felt a bit of “Father’s Love” today. (*understatement after writing all this. then again how much of an understatement that other statement when Father’s Love is imcomprendably big… *poof mind blown*)

Our God is a God who loves, who asks for nothing in return other than our love for him, our faith in him and even with that we fail.

Today my dad and I talked finances and let me just say, I’ve been “privileged”. And I’m not sure if I can say blessed yet because my family isn’t christian and we don’t thank God for provision or pray before we eat… things like that. Anyway, I grew up getting most things what I want and in a very asian culture, family is family for life kinda way. My dad sent me through college and I won’t say the exact amount but let just say it was in NYC so that usually should sum the general amount. And it was agreed before I started college that I’d pay off half and even that is a BIG thank you. But today I talked with my dad about life and money and how much I had really spent with living expenses and I spoke to him about paying him back… and all he said to me was that he doesn’t expect me to pay him back. I’ve talked to him about this before and he said things like, “you’re my daughter, of course” or “it’s because I love you” but it never really had strike me until today; the relation of a Father’s heart.

Immediately a motivation to work hard and pay him off by surprise passed me knowing that the amount that was agreed to be paid off wouldn’t even make up for the life my dad’s given me throughout my 23 years. His hard work, sweat, and working everyday, even Sundays and holidays to give a life for his family… he ONLY TOOK NEW YEARS DAY OFF!… all to give his family a living…

In the same way, God doesn’t ask for anything in return. I don’t even think he asks for us to love him… (okay I’m sure he does somewhere in the bible) but he doesn’t really push it in our faces like, “why don’t you love me?! I did this this this this… ” and only when we need him to say it to remind us but only for our hearts and for us to know what he’d done for us. -sigh- He’s just loving us. Period. without expecting anything in return. That love, is so.. so.. soooo precious. I’ve fallen countless numbers of times, even when I was unaware of his blessings, I’ve just been taking good things … like I deserved them, like that gold sticker we get for sitting down to eat and listening well to the teachers… behaving! LOL MILLENNIALS.

God, first off.. just Thank you. on behalf of my family if thats possible for providing. For the store and the food in the refrigerator, THE REFRIGERATOR. I don’t think me, my sister, my brother, my parents stop enough to take a moment to think that although we are not well off, we are well off. “Everyday is thanksgiving.” I re-get that today. Thank you for my family, for the love that’s poured into it already beyond the brokenness… I don’t know what to say but I know what to do and it’s to just glorify your name in it all. And ya, people who don’t believe in you may say that is foolish, that my dad earned the money through his own heart, sweat, and hardwork, but there’s no way. There are so many people who put their heart, sweat, and hardwork into the things they love to have it fall. So thank you God for being present even when not all of us see you…
And second, thank you for your cross lord. Thank you for allowing me to rejoice with you in the fact that I can talk to you and feel you loving me and have me love you back. I’m so blind. So many times, yesterday, today, weeks ago, and sadly, most-likely, weeks to come… BUT *lol* you still love me, this defected human heart not even functional to do what’s it’s functioned to do which is to believe in you, your love, pour it upon each other, and back to you…

I’m sorry that I can’t be enough… 

and you still love, love faulty me, love the orphans that have yet to call you Abba.. 

I can’t grasp all of you, all of your love but I pray that you’d open my heart to seriously get most of it. I just am at a lost for words. YOU ARE GOOD. and I, through the many brokenness around me, have faith that your kingdom will come. Lord, let me never stop saying Thank you. You are really all I need so let me always come back to you, to this, to prayer, to talking with you. PRINCE OF PEACE. I love you. I pray all these things in your son’s awesome mighty lovely name, Amen. 

‘Spirit of Compassion’ Update

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So recently I’ve been praying a lot for my heart and my mom’s heart and I knew that God would work somehow but I never thought today would come so soon.

I began to speak of my day and of course being at church, it consisted of God, and as per usual conversation, she began to bring up her doubts about my participation in church and we slowly increased into an argument. For the past week, I’ve been doing well in being a more composed daughter in an argument thinking of God’s spirit and presence. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “I feel…” argument method where one expresses not the other’s faults (“you’re an idiot”) but rather begin with “I feel…(ex. unappreciated when you say certain things). Our argument usually goes in circles beginning with my mom from the repetition of the same argument statement that leads me to frustration from repeating the same answer and feeling misunderstood. But today she listened through and I think she understands that I understand how she feels; her nervousness of how her daughter may not have certain ends knotted. By the end of the conversation, maybe she was too tired, but I explained to her once more of the ‘I feel’ method and how it can tremendously help understand one another and she said, “I don’t think you even do that,” and I responded, “I’m trying.” She replied, “okay we’ll see.” Which is a YES in my definition. “I love you mom.” “I love you too, goodnight,” she said as she walked to her bedroom. Tears began to run down my face because how present is God. I’m just overwhelmed of how God truly works and that he cares. I really was hopeless and really thought, I’m going to be 35 by the time we start to begin to understand one another yet here we are today. I know it may not always be an uphill battle for change but at least it has begun.

Father God, wow you amaze me so much. Thank you Lord for working, and always being present. God thank you for surprising me with a gift sooner than I expected. Lord I pray that I would always lean on your love and spirit when times get rough and that you would guide my heart and my mother’s heart to THE HEART, your heart and slowly but surely heal us. Father you are so great and so amazing. I love you so much and I pray for your love to continue to Manifest this house. Protect my family , protect our hearts, and let us one day be able to find rest together in your spirit. In Jesus name, Amen.

‘New York’ Me vs. ‘New Jersey’ Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

While I was in college I lived my freshman year and sophomore year partying, having fun, going out at night sometimes even on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and by the end of each year, my group of secular friends got boring. The same old places, doing the same things, laughing about the same stuff and I asked myself, is this it? Feeling bad about not being skinner than the friend next to me, never getting the guy, being there to go through the motions of being excited and happy for my friends? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my friends; it was my heart that was the problem.

I then was invited to church by a friend and since that day, I was able to find the greatest joy, His light. This light and freedom that God provided was like no other I was hooked and decided to go on a journey with Him. My next two years of college I spent worshipping and praying to God; praying for my family, school, friends, and receiving His love in all of it, covering over my fears and insecurities. He opened my eyes to so many things and most of all that he promised to continue opening my eyes to things as I adventured through the highs and lows of life.

I moved back into New Jersey and the hardest thing was that the Doris from HighSchool came back and not the Doris from New York. The unchanged, lazy, ungrateful Doris that had life handed to her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a bunch of side dishes. I now spend 4 days in New York with my church community and spend 3 days in New Jersey, how is it that my New York side doesn’t over triumph my New Jersey side?

So I looked up “What does the Bible say about ‘Putting the Past Behind’. And I’m sure it’s about sin and shame but now as I’m writing, New Jersey me is sinful me and shameful me living life through the patterns of this earth.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

I am a new creation in Christ and maybe I haven’t lived as if I had been made new because I was lacking faith that God has made me new.

It doesn’t matter whether or not my family is Christian (which they’re not) but the point being, this world is going to be filled with situations where my faith comes to test, where I must stand strong with God by my side. Whether it’d be me fasting from media and only listening to Christian music or having a verse on my arm, I need to surround myself with Godly things or else I’ll be tempted by ALL THE FAMILIAR THINGS IN MY HOUSE to be familiar NJ Doris that has been living in this house alone for 9 years.

Prayer Request: If you’ve read through this I think I still need prayer from my community of brothers and sisters whoever you may be, pray for God’s protection over my heart, that this familiar house wouldn’t bring back familiar me and that I would focus on my faith that God has made me new.

Father God, what a turn of events you have given me by placing me back in the home before you saved me. It’s going to be hard I know, but I know that with you, the victory is already claimed so Jesus I pray that you would keep my hopes up and that your spirit would not only affect me but my family. I am not following you for my family God, I’m following you for us. Knowing that your glory and your joy is the light in my heart that brings me back to you and your love. God I pray keep me safe, protect me and my family from lies of this earth and tender our hearts for one another. Father help me to see your presence in all things that happen in this house knowing that you sovereign. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

Hosea 1 

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Here, God asks Hosea to marry an unfaithful women and bare children. And on top of that, God gives them (in my opinion) ridiculous and almost humorous names such as “No Mercy” and “Not my people”. And to be honest I’m thinking.. “What is going on.”

To me, being a mom was one of my goals since I was in highschool and I already have planned out my first child’s name and thought about some goals as a parent to raise my kids. But to think about maybe God naming my kids “Not my people”… “No Mercy”, it made me squinge. It really showed me how unwilling I was to go with his plans for my family.

Father God, help to give more of myself to you. My goals, my future, my family. I know that the future you have in store for me is a mega-billion times better than what I think I have in store for myself. Let me be able to rest it all to your hands. In Jesus name, Amen.