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Retreat. Renewed Relations

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was extra long.

It started with leaving NJ Wednesday night for a sister’s surprise birthday, staying over at another sister’s place, family group Thursday night, retreat from Friday till Sunday, and also helped by driving worship equipment to and from retreat, but overall was really blessing.

Relationship in Christ

I walked into the retreat with the intention of spending a good time worshipping and thanking God for all he’s done. When it came to the last night during prayer, I didn’t know exactly what to pray because everything was going so well and I knew there were small things that could be fixed here and there but didn’t know where to start. So I went up to receive prayer from Pastor Chris from GCC and the first thing he said was that he saw suspicious eyes. Then he furthered into his prayer by saying that I needed healing from people and that he hopes that I would see that God’s compassion flows through people. He thanked God for my heart that wants his glory and me having a bigger heart for God and closed.

First, I think it’s so interesting that through prayer, the person praying for you sometimes know whether or not you are in a good state or bad state in faith with God. You’d think that automatically, Christians would pray over the bad and hurt in their lives thinking they need help over faith but I post this prayer not to raise my glory or show off how good I’m doing in faith but to reveal how awesome it is that God’s spirit knows and speaks truth.

But back to the first portion of the prayer, when he said suspicious eyes, it struck me. Although I feel stable in faith, I realized I see my community fearfully as judgemental people. I have suspicious eyes that they have suspicious eyes about me, and I think it goes back to my first church experience in high school where I felt judged by the girls which is also probably the reason why my natural instinct is to get along with guys. I really want to develop a deeper connection with my sisters and be able to trust them more freely without the feeling that fear of judgement. 

Speaking of guys, or “brothers”, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. I was nervous entering retreat thinking I’d be too hyped on people in general that I’d lose focus on being there for God. It was a blessing to be driving to the retreat with my sister Shawna who inspired me to find a guy that would have me not find comfort in him (who would eventually fail) but in God who would never fail. But with the fact that I feel that I’ve invested my time more on brothers than sisters, I realized how it wasn’t helping with developing my sisterhood. So by the end of retreat, I felt assured that one day it’ll come to a time where a man will step up to make a covenant with me, but until then I should focus on preparing myself to know myself, who I am with God, so that when the time comes, I can also lead my husband to God before me.

God thank you for this retreat and I think I felt lethargic towards finding you yesterday because I fell into the sadness of reality and not being able to spend time with only you and your people. But I thank you for speaking truth through Pastor Chris and Shawna about my relationships with my brothers and sisters. I pray for a heart that trust in my sisters and seeks a deeper connection while we encourage each other. I pray that my heart would seek you first but also encourage brothers to be men of God so that one day they may be able to comfort a sister to you in the future. I pray for strength and motivation this week for my brothers and sisters and Remnant Church as we proactively seek to be whole in you. In Jesus name, Amen. 

2 Timothy 1 – Self Control

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

2 Timothy 1: 6-7

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

After reading this I think of the song Consuming Fire by Hillsong United

Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name

I always sang it as “the consuming fire is like a fire into flame” with only the visuals of a growing fire but the verse sheds a new light to this flame, that “we must fan into the flame which is the gift of God”.  Moving forward, what really struck me was reading that God gave us self-control. I understand that we’re not supposed to plan or control our own future because God is in control but reading this, Paul reminds us that it’s also our responsibility for us to be in control of our own hearts.
I think a lot of times, I say God is all-knowing and all-controlling and use that as an excuse to not move myself because if it’s God’s will, I would feel to move right? No. I think it pleases God to see our efforts to move our butts so that we can make time to do works for him and seek after for his heart. He gave us a spirit of self-control to not surround ourselves with things that we know would distract us from him and guard our hearts from certain things to fan and maintain this flame, this gift that God has given us.

Father God, I thank you for a revealing a spirit that you gave me that I overlooked. God plant in me a desire and excitement to fan this flame, this precious flame you gave us. Help me focus on your spirit of love, power, and self-control so that I may be able to work hard for your kingdom inside and outside of church community and I for more self-control in indulging in this world. Lord you are all I need, give me a heart to serve my King. In Jesus name, Amen.  

Dusty Rock Tower

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So one thing I held onto since I was little was Fame.
I wanted to be a famous violinist, then a famous singer, famous actor, famous fashion designer, and even in small places like my christian community, I wanted fame. I wanted people to see me and say, “there goes Doris, so cool with life and God.” So when I realized on my way back from OTR (explained in Post-OTR) that I wanted all Glory, even God’s Glory to go to me, I ended up basking in shame. How could I use God like that.

This past Sunday service (which was also TRPC’s 20th Anniversary whoo! praise the lord!) one of the encouragements was that God will shake the heaven and earth to clean off that are not part of His Kingdom; everything that’s not, will crumble. And I guess this encouragement kinda spoke to me in a different way.
During Worship I saw this tower made out of fuzzy, gray, dust-like stone and God shook it and in the center was one rock, colorful, filled with God’s spirit. I just kept shaking my hands asking God to shake off those dusty gray rock, that he would rid of all things that were not for his Glory and that every rock that would make up who I am be colorful and filled with his spirit so that the tower may rise with and for his Glory.

God, I pray for every person in my church, for my brothers and sisters all over the world, and for me, that you would send a shaking, so that we may be able to see what we’re building our towers with. May we realized and be able to see that only your rock filled with your spirit will stand, be made strong, and will be filled with Glory. That we may realize our tower is not our own and can only last with your Power. My everlasting God, let us not seek after temporary things but your eternal love and glory. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever (Matthew 6:13). Amen.