christian walk

Proverbs 1.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(Yesterday, Sunday, I read a verse from Proverbs 3 and got me wanting to read the chapter. Also I did some reflecting on the past week and didn’t spend enough quality time with God and with his word… it’s been a while in general so back on that QT track hopefully.)

 

Proverbs 1. talks of wisdom, that fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (v.7) and two things; not having sinner entice you and the call of wisdom.

To me I think the call of wisdom stuck out to me more.

Proverbs 1:20-22
Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the markets she raises her voice; at the head of the noisy streets she cries out; at the entrance of the city gates she speaks: ” How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?

I love this comparison. I’ve been to an asian street market before when I visited Korea and all of them are screaming for people’s attention, about how their fish is the freshest, their meat is the tastiest and the all are calling out for potential customers. If you are not interested in buying specifically fish, it’s easy to just turn a blind eye and walk past them, no matter how hard they may try to call out to you.

I think in the same way, “knowing” God and his words is like trying to hear him say, “you are loved and saved!” beyond the noises of the streets that say, “buy this and that, that other person also has this and that” or “live for yourself! YOLO amirite?” We constantly are distracted by voices and visuals that lead us away from Christ.

It’s funny how it says “simple ones” and I was first thinking “simple lifestyle” and was like “what’s wrong with that?”. I later realized it means “simple minded” but to me they meshed into one this past month. I was trying to live a simple lifestyle with less to think about, but instead I became simple minded filtering out the importance of spending time with God out of my daily routines. *smh at myself*

 

Father God, help me to actually chase after your friendship once more. I was singing yesterday “I am friend of God” and it seemed so foreign. I pushed you to the security of father, who always loved and took advantage of your grace but as friends, I’ve failed. Help me to desire you as I’d expect a friend would for me. And I pray that as I continue reading your word, faith and courage would rise to trust you more and to re-live in your glory and kingdom. In Jesus name, Amen. 

 

Post Retreat.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m surrounded by white walls.

****

“I DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING.
I DON’T FEEL LIKE PRAYING,
I DON’T FEEL LIKE SINGING,
OR TRYING,

I’M TIRED.” – I pouted.

 

I could sense the spiritual battle. “Satan” or whatever anti-God spirit was winning – He had me at 50%.

And I was okay with letting him win.

I was doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. annoyed. and didn’t give a **** about how I wanted to treat people anymore. I wanted to just be me and not think about how “good” I’m being.

And while I thought of this in my head… I realized… he wanted me to feel doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. 

I was hurt and lost so I built up walls to protect myself, strand myself away from others. but unknowingly started to do it alone, without God and the walls I built surrounding me were black.

God said. Okay. You don’t have to pray. or sing. or do anything. 

I wanted to sit alone but not in anger but not out in the open. (Usually you ask to “break these chains,” or “break down these walls,” but I wanted to still be alone, protected, resting, and still not doing anything.

50/50 with letting go of one side, at peace with picking either.

On a whim, I asked. “could you make these walls yours?” And slowly I felt a melting sensation. This hexagonal room began to melt the black away leaving me sitting in a room with white walls.

Still alone.
But from above, shone sunlight and I was resting in the protection and light of God. He wasn’t besides me but above me waiting for me to be ready to have company, still protected by his love.

No, not a lot has changed. I still feel hurt and I still feel like being alone but whenever I do encounter others, I’m surrounded by white walls, knowing God is protecting me, encouraging healthy interactions, and strength to be me.

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Status Update. 7.30.16

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This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

John 19 / Life

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I always get heavy hearted and teary while reading about Jesus’s Crucifixion. Sad fact though, I did not know they had three versions of Jesus’s death on Luke, John, and Matthew. Comes to show how little I know about the bible and how much I have yet to learn.

So I finished reading my book on style and I feel no different really. Maybe a little more energized to pursue things in life but with what purpose? I end up spiraling in questions (which is a good thing at times) about my intentions for investing my time into things like uploading a post or starting a project.

Recently I’ve been thinking about creating a blog, more than just think.grapefruit where I journal where I can share the things I do the work I enjoy doing but downside, it’ll eat up my time for doing the ‘important stuff’ like doing my QT or finding a job in fashion.

“There is no right way,” I told myself; for almost everything like reaching success and entering a career in the industry. But I’m sure with God, there is a righteous way where it would honor him rather than following my own signals to pursue a career thats only temporary.

My dad’s uncle on my grandmother’s side recently passed away. There he was laying in his coffin neatly placed, resting before me an empty vessel, leaving the world behind. So when I think of doing things, I always think… will this thing I do be seen in God’s eyes?

In the end and the answer I’m trying to avoid is, am I doing this for me or for other people or for God? And it’s a tricky answer because how is writing a blog (not on daily devotionals) for God? and it leads to questions like “Does everything in my life have to be devoted to God?”

I’m working now, at my dad’s newly opened store basically assistant manager taking care of the store, cashiering, moving clothes around, and a bunch of other small tasks, reporting big new back to my dad when he comes back from other errands. Now I have a paycheck coming in which I really didn’t think about because after paying for my tuition, it’s okay dad, you REALLY don’t have to but he does to show that work pays off. So now I have a weekly salary and I’ve been using it up like daddy’s little gold digger. Surprisingly today I was driving home and thought, does this mean I have to start putting money in the offering box on Sundays? But I’m still poor recent graduate without a steady income not really at my real job. Then the thought of Jesus’s Crucifixion came up, how he didn’t sacrifice an arm or leg for us but his whole self; how the poor (samaritans?) gave up everything yet the tax collector who had so much to spare gave up so sparingly. There my answer was pretty clear.

And going back to devoting everything in my life to God, I don’t think its an extreme case of making sure the water was approved before drinking it by God but knowing the foundations for the reasons I do things.

God didn’t create a blob like the million other blobs that live around me; he created a unique individual soul with gifts and talents that would glorify God and he loved it through all the mistakes he knew he or she was going to make. I am different than my brothers and sisters and I love dancing, illustrating, singing (not so well I’m told), designing, thinking, believing, trying new things and I think it’s something to celebrate because God put all those things in me to make up who I am. I’m still not sure how people can so confidently post on fb about God’s love for them on a picture that doesn’t reference the writing that goes with it and get a jillion likes but I I’m starting to think it all comes from the heart of loving who you are, that is, God’s most precious, loved child.

And yes, there are still times that God’s love amazes me to the point of doubting this perfect love all together, but in the end I’d rather look like a fool that found freedom from fear and worries than following what the world says is ‘cool’.

God, there’s never a day like today, right now, to worship you and to love you. No matter what situation and circumstance, whether I’m doing nothing or if I’m traveling to Italy on vacation, let me always think of you and all that you’ve done for me. My life is literally not my own, I don’t call the shots because I’m better off not calling the shots. God help me to be courageous in the things I do, the words I say, let me be wise but still true to myself in the way I speak and move so that I may not lose myself. God, this blog thing is all really tricky in my head but Lord I love all parts of me that want to express in a shape, form, moment, 2D, 3D and I want to be doing that in a way that still honors you. Help me to always give thanks for the mercy, grace and blessings you provide each day. Make me into a more thankful person and be able to smile at the gifts you’ve provided. And so, Lord I thank you for my family that supports me and for providing me with them and providing them with finances and joy. I thank you for this precious time where I’m able to elaborate my thoughts deeper with you and where I’m able to reconnect with my one Savior, my one place of freedom. Help me to refine myself and I pray for more of your heart in me. Thank you for the cross God, thank you for your word and always remind me of the love you give so freely. In Jesus name, Amen.