Christian struggles

Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 4. Day 5.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t upload anything because I had work all day and I honestly kept getting distracted from touching upon God’s word or presence. Wow how crazy weak.

But Day 4. Thursday in a jiffy was an annoying work day. Customers were annoying and I was annoyed so a lot of things came out not so pleasantly or lovely. Caught myself that I wasn’t glorifying God in any matter by being this way but these were all glimpses of thoughts. Like I said before, a lot of distractions and mor e annoyances but by the end of the day, I wanted to lead by love; my love for God. Although every day will not be a beautiful, relaxing, receive-God’s blessings day, I knew that all that mattered at the end of the day was worshipping his name and proclaiming my love for him.

Today Day 5. A friend finally responded to my text about me asking him if he had any prayer requests which I had sent 3 days ago. Anyway he responded and also asked if I was still feeling rejuvenated by Jesus. I responded and after clicking send, I don’t know why but a wave of realization hit me. People, my brothers and sisters prayed for me; and I have yet to thank them. And thank God for the people that he has blessed me with in my life for everything…

How flawed we are to really take things for granted.

God. Thank you. Thank you for day 4 and 5 on this renewed journey and I’m sure there will be but hopefully not more day 4 and 5 where you pick me up and put me back on solid ground. But on top of that, thank you for today for having me realize how precious the people, the brothers and sisters that surround me are. The few that really know me down to my flaws and the people who still accept and embrace me through love, I don’t deserve this love in anyway or form. But God as I’ve heard in rap songs, Blessings on blessings on blessing. God you are so good and when I don’t even deserve it. I love you God. I pray for these relationships that we would continually remind each other of your joy and goodness through our own actions and that you’d be glorified in the love we share for one another. You’re so great God. I love you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

Sunday 8.21.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“I didn’t want to come today.
But I did, For Ally, to not bail.
God I am yours & you are mine
I am your child.
You asked me “How can I help you?”
I’m asking Lord to give me..
something to be passionate for.
This world is too sad for me.
I’m stuck in the dark now,
would your spirit bring me truth?”

–

I wrote this in my journal before service started, not knowing the blessings to come that day.

Backstory of what I’ve been going through. I’ve been sad for about a month now. Around the end of July, everything that I held close to me fell apart. Starting with family, I started feel resentment and bitterness towards my brother for not trying; not trying to get better, seeing the pessimistic outcome of everything, shutting down my optimism, I eventually felt no love for him. I could have cared less what would happen to him because why do I have to try when he’s not even trying or showing that he wants to get better? Next to this all my close friends that I see on a weekly basis were all physically / distance wise dispersing from me; either going to grad school in PennState, visiting dad in Japan, vacation in Cali, missions in Ohio… they were all .. so far from me. And behind it all was the question that’s been lingering for a year, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Eventually I couldn’t find peace. God existed but I couldn’t seem to access his peace while working at my dad’s retail store pricing, cashiering, through the thank-yous, have-a-nice-days; I was suffocating. And I fell into a existential crisis spiral. Whats the point? What’s the point of working hard to build a career and hoping for a future when I could die at any point and all the hard work will die with me.

Temporarily I felt better, when I was with friends, when I was hanging out with my brother and sister at Dave and Busters, doing the leisurely things. I sought after fearlessness in God’s love and tried to like as if I would die tomorrow. It helped a little to get my work produced. I even took on the title “artist” over “fashion designer” because I felt so boxed in the idea of who a fashion designer is. But all in all, I didn’t feel like myself. A part of me died and it was the hopeful part of me; the optimist, open-minded, 2nd chance giving, everyone-loving part. I felt like a negative black aura ball of annoying bitterness and sadness and didn’t know if I could ever get back to this old me. Looking at old picture of me smiling made me sad inside that this girl was no longer with me. (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s genuinely how I felt.)

Then it was Sunday. John 6:12. Feeding of 5 thousand, Walking on Water, Immediate Desperation. 3 things struck in from Paster Joe’s message.

Are you after his providence? Or Him?
I am, is here.
Believe in Jesus.

I realized my sadness came from searching for more. There was a day during my moping when I told God, God, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied of this world. And this came from my previous desire to want to experience the world, adventure, travel, breathe in what it means to be alive and risk dangers, work hard, hit success etc etc.
My flaw was this. I stopped holding God’s hand through it all. I stopped depending on his spirit and tried flying on my own with God on a leash. God if I fall, you’ll catch me. If things get hard while trying to do this, you’re going to give me your strength right? I stopped living for God and tried living for myself with God as a safety. SMH at myself.

“Jesus where were you? We want more food!”
“Do not look for food that will spoil, look for food that endures eternal life.”
“What are we supposed to do? how do we get what we are looking for?”
“Believe in Jesus. If we go looking for jewels in Jesus’s hands, we will ALWAYS BE UNSATISFIED. What we need to do is want JESUS.” – Paster Joe.

John 6:29 The work of God is this: to BELIEVE in the one he has sent.” 

–

God. I learned today that you should lead. Lead me to your glory. You are not part of my story, I am part of yours. I tried, on my own & with you to think of how to be successful, to seek happiness and I found none. No hope for my future. “Do you know your future?” Whether life goes well or unfortunately, Will you constantly provide for your will to be done. For your glory to shine and all I want to be is a part of your kingdom.
So God, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what’d best for me. I don’t know what path I’ll choose to be satisfied. But God, serving you, to be near you, to be with you a the end of this tunnel, that will satisfy my soul. Not what you give. Not what you do. not what you fill me with. God, I seek you. I seek your son Jesus, and his heart in all this that I most likely won’t comprehend.
Remind me to never let go of your hand, remind me to seek your presence in all I do for you. Remind me that you love me in such a remarkable way. Remind me of your cross and remind me that you are here. Lead me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen. 

–

After service, I found myself breathing easy again. I escaped to have a personal retreat away from friends and family and read Crazy Love (given to me as a bday gift from Ally lol “it all circles around”) by Francis Chan and it was amazing. I feel hopeful again. I feel like I have purpose again and relayed (for like the 5th time) a new foundation to what I want to pursue.

My Passion? : To love God First, seek his glory and eternity, to encourage and share God’s glory. To act on God’s words, not mine.

I know that these are all words until it’s actually done and it’s not like I’m better over night. I’m currently fasting, and praying for a desire for Jesus again. And I have.. SO MUCH to work on like humility and patience, but I have hope. Praise Jesus.

 

Status Update. 7.30.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

Genesis 37. Sh*t Happens

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

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Poor Joseph, hated by his brother’s by jealousy sold off into Egypt. I think in our Christian life, things don’t always go so smoothly either, we get into fights and feel bitterness towards our brothers and sisters, family and with our family in Christ. Excuse the roughness of this phrase but, “Sh*t Happens.”

But knowing the story of Joseph in the end, he was not only able to help his family but save Egypt from going hungry for 7 years. If Joseph had not gone through those things, he might have died of starvation with his family. Maybe now some of you are going through a bitter time where nothing around you seems to be going right and it feels as if God has neglected you but sometimes, rough times are necessary for a bigger purpose. So although it may be hard to see the light at the end of the road, pray for steadfastness and peace for God has already won victorious and will walk with you step by step to that victory.

God, sometimes life seems so unfair but I pray that you’d protect our hearts from feeling bitter towards others and towards you for you only want what’s best for us. I pray that you’d provide us with peace with the assurance that you are near us and that your closeness is only a call away. Provide strength in us to trust in you, to be filled by you, and to love you the way you love us. In Jesus name, Amen. 

‘Spirit of Compassion’ Update

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So recently I’ve been praying a lot for my heart and my mom’s heart and I knew that God would work somehow but I never thought today would come so soon.

I began to speak of my day and of course being at church, it consisted of God, and as per usual conversation, she began to bring up her doubts about my participation in church and we slowly increased into an argument. For the past week, I’ve been doing well in being a more composed daughter in an argument thinking of God’s spirit and presence. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “I feel…” argument method where one expresses not the other’s faults (“you’re an idiot”) but rather begin with “I feel…(ex. unappreciated when you say certain things). Our argument usually goes in circles beginning with my mom from the repetition of the same argument statement that leads me to frustration from repeating the same answer and feeling misunderstood. But today she listened through and I think she understands that I understand how she feels; her nervousness of how her daughter may not have certain ends knotted. By the end of the conversation, maybe she was too tired, but I explained to her once more of the ‘I feel’ method and how it can tremendously help understand one another and she said, “I don’t think you even do that,” and I responded, “I’m trying.” She replied, “okay we’ll see.” Which is a YES in my definition. “I love you mom.” “I love you too, goodnight,” she said as she walked to her bedroom. Tears began to run down my face because how present is God. I’m just overwhelmed of how God truly works and that he cares. I really was hopeless and really thought, I’m going to be 35 by the time we start to begin to understand one another yet here we are today. I know it may not always be an uphill battle for change but at least it has begun.

Father God, wow you amaze me so much. Thank you Lord for working, and always being present. God thank you for surprising me with a gift sooner than I expected. Lord I pray that I would always lean on your love and spirit when times get rough and that you would guide my heart and my mother’s heart to THE HEART, your heart and slowly but surely heal us. Father you are so great and so amazing. I love you so much and I pray for your love to continue to Manifest this house. Protect my family , protect our hearts, and let us one day be able to find rest together in your spirit. In Jesus name, Amen.