Christian life

Deuteronomy 8:3 / Psalms 51:17. Soul Food

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

3 And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Living by not bread alone but by God’s word… HUH? Does God’s words even have carbs, protein, fat (I guess the bible, made of paper, has fiber…). The truth is we probably consume more food than our body actually needs to survive; like flamin hot cheetos, does our body need it to live, no. But before this bible study becomes a consumption research paper, the bible does feed us for us to live. By putting aside our everyday substance intake and replacing it with God’s word can be challenging at first but God’s food is soul food. It feeds our spirit, giving it the metaphorical nutrients it needs to be whole.

I think personally, I would say that food is a basic balancer in my life, something to do so I can take a break from work or spend leisure time not thinking about work but feeding my body because “I need it to survive.” As of now I’m “fasting” watching netflix while doing work or eating and I say fasting with quotes because I haven’t been committed to it. But instead, I think a real challenge would to not eat junk food. I love my daily carbs and eating man-made food is part of my everyday, everyday. So I’m going to think and pray hard but I think I will end up fasting man-made food as my fast.

God I think I know your word is necessary to live, to be made whole, but without bread but with your word alone? I’m not so sure. I pray that you’d give me encouragement, that I’d meditate on your word to start fasting something, denying myself, to grow closer to you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Retreat. Renewed Relations

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This weekend was extra long.

It started with leaving NJ Wednesday night for a sister’s surprise birthday, staying over at another sister’s place, family group Thursday night, retreat from Friday till Sunday, and also helped by driving worship equipment to and from retreat, but overall was really blessing.

Relationship in Christ

I walked into the retreat with the intention of spending a good time worshipping and thanking God for all he’s done. When it came to the last night during prayer, I didn’t know exactly what to pray because everything was going so well and I knew there were small things that could be fixed here and there but didn’t know where to start. So I went up to receive prayer from Pastor Chris from GCC and the first thing he said was that he saw suspicious eyes. Then he furthered into his prayer by saying that I needed healing from people and that he hopes that I would see that God’s compassion flows through people. He thanked God for my heart that wants his glory and me having a bigger heart for God and closed.

First, I think it’s so interesting that through prayer, the person praying for you sometimes know whether or not you are in a good state or bad state in faith with God. You’d think that automatically, Christians would pray over the bad and hurt in their lives thinking they need help over faith but I post this prayer not to raise my glory or show off how good I’m doing in faith but to reveal how awesome it is that God’s spirit knows and speaks truth.

But back to the first portion of the prayer, when he said suspicious eyes, it struck me. Although I feel stable in faith, I realized I see my community fearfully as judgemental people. I have suspicious eyes that they have suspicious eyes about me, and I think it goes back to my first church experience in high school where I felt judged by the girls which is also probably the reason why my natural instinct is to get along with guys. I really want to develop a deeper connection with my sisters and be able to trust them more freely without the feeling that fear of judgement. 

Speaking of guys, or “brothers”, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. I was nervous entering retreat thinking I’d be too hyped on people in general that I’d lose focus on being there for God. It was a blessing to be driving to the retreat with my sister Shawna who inspired me to find a guy that would have me not find comfort in him (who would eventually fail) but in God who would never fail. But with the fact that I feel that I’ve invested my time more on brothers than sisters, I realized how it wasn’t helping with developing my sisterhood. So by the end of retreat, I felt assured that one day it’ll come to a time where a man will step up to make a covenant with me, but until then I should focus on preparing myself to know myself, who I am with God, so that when the time comes, I can also lead my husband to God before me.

God thank you for this retreat and I think I felt lethargic towards finding you yesterday because I fell into the sadness of reality and not being able to spend time with only you and your people. But I thank you for speaking truth through Pastor Chris and Shawna about my relationships with my brothers and sisters. I pray for a heart that trust in my sisters and seeks a deeper connection while we encourage each other. I pray that my heart would seek you first but also encourage brothers to be men of God so that one day they may be able to comfort a sister to you in the future. I pray for strength and motivation this week for my brothers and sisters and Remnant Church as we proactively seek to be whole in you. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Genesis 37. Sh*t Happens

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Poor Joseph, hated by his brother’s by jealousy sold off into Egypt. I think in our Christian life, things don’t always go so smoothly either, we get into fights and feel bitterness towards our brothers and sisters, family and with our family in Christ. Excuse the roughness of this phrase but, “Sh*t Happens.”

But knowing the story of Joseph in the end, he was not only able to help his family but save Egypt from going hungry for 7 years. If Joseph had not gone through those things, he might have died of starvation with his family. Maybe now some of you are going through a bitter time where nothing around you seems to be going right and it feels as if God has neglected you but sometimes, rough times are necessary for a bigger purpose. So although it may be hard to see the light at the end of the road, pray for steadfastness and peace for God has already won victorious and will walk with you step by step to that victory.

God, sometimes life seems so unfair but I pray that you’d protect our hearts from feeling bitter towards others and towards you for you only want what’s best for us. I pray that you’d provide us with peace with the assurance that you are near us and that your closeness is only a call away. Provide strength in us to trust in you, to be filled by you, and to love you the way you love us. In Jesus name, Amen. 

John 19 / Life

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I always get heavy hearted and teary while reading about Jesus’s Crucifixion. Sad fact though, I did not know they had three versions of Jesus’s death on Luke, John, and Matthew. Comes to show how little I know about the bible and how much I have yet to learn.

So I finished reading my book on style and I feel no different really. Maybe a little more energized to pursue things in life but with what purpose? I end up spiraling in questions (which is a good thing at times) about my intentions for investing my time into things like uploading a post or starting a project.

Recently I’ve been thinking about creating a blog, more than just think.grapefruit where I journal where I can share the things I do the work I enjoy doing but downside, it’ll eat up my time for doing the ‘important stuff’ like doing my QT or finding a job in fashion.

“There is no right way,” I told myself; for almost everything like reaching success and entering a career in the industry. But I’m sure with God, there is a righteous way where it would honor him rather than following my own signals to pursue a career thats only temporary.

My dad’s uncle on my grandmother’s side recently passed away. There he was laying in his coffin neatly placed, resting before me an empty vessel, leaving the world behind. So when I think of doing things, I always think… will this thing I do be seen in God’s eyes?

In the end and the answer I’m trying to avoid is, am I doing this for me or for other people or for God? And it’s a tricky answer because how is writing a blog (not on daily devotionals) for God? and it leads to questions like “Does everything in my life have to be devoted to God?”

I’m working now, at my dad’s newly opened store basically assistant manager taking care of the store, cashiering, moving clothes around, and a bunch of other small tasks, reporting big new back to my dad when he comes back from other errands. Now I have a paycheck coming in which I really didn’t think about because after paying for my tuition, it’s okay dad, you REALLY don’t have to but he does to show that work pays off. So now I have a weekly salary and I’ve been using it up like daddy’s little gold digger. Surprisingly today I was driving home and thought, does this mean I have to start putting money in the offering box on Sundays? But I’m still poor recent graduate without a steady income not really at my real job. Then the thought of Jesus’s Crucifixion came up, how he didn’t sacrifice an arm or leg for us but his whole self; how the poor (samaritans?) gave up everything yet the tax collector who had so much to spare gave up so sparingly. There my answer was pretty clear.

And going back to devoting everything in my life to God, I don’t think its an extreme case of making sure the water was approved before drinking it by God but knowing the foundations for the reasons I do things.

God didn’t create a blob like the million other blobs that live around me; he created a unique individual soul with gifts and talents that would glorify God and he loved it through all the mistakes he knew he or she was going to make. I am different than my brothers and sisters and I love dancing, illustrating, singing (not so well I’m told), designing, thinking, believing, trying new things and I think it’s something to celebrate because God put all those things in me to make up who I am. I’m still not sure how people can so confidently post on fb about God’s love for them on a picture that doesn’t reference the writing that goes with it and get a jillion likes but I I’m starting to think it all comes from the heart of loving who you are, that is, God’s most precious, loved child.

And yes, there are still times that God’s love amazes me to the point of doubting this perfect love all together, but in the end I’d rather look like a fool that found freedom from fear and worries than following what the world says is ‘cool’.

God, there’s never a day like today, right now, to worship you and to love you. No matter what situation and circumstance, whether I’m doing nothing or if I’m traveling to Italy on vacation, let me always think of you and all that you’ve done for me. My life is literally not my own, I don’t call the shots because I’m better off not calling the shots. God help me to be courageous in the things I do, the words I say, let me be wise but still true to myself in the way I speak and move so that I may not lose myself. God, this blog thing is all really tricky in my head but Lord I love all parts of me that want to express in a shape, form, moment, 2D, 3D and I want to be doing that in a way that still honors you. Help me to always give thanks for the mercy, grace and blessings you provide each day. Make me into a more thankful person and be able to smile at the gifts you’ve provided. And so, Lord I thank you for my family that supports me and for providing me with them and providing them with finances and joy. I thank you for this precious time where I’m able to elaborate my thoughts deeper with you and where I’m able to reconnect with my one Savior, my one place of freedom. Help me to refine myself and I pray for more of your heart in me. Thank you for the cross God, thank you for your word and always remind me of the love you give so freely. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Barnes & Nobles Trip

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I was driving home back from NY Sunday night and my arrival time to home was 4:55pm, and I really thought I could make it but I couldn’t hold in my pee any longer and I had to stop somewhere. I stopped at a Barnes & Nobles and after I “relieved” myself, I became really attracted to the sign ‘Art’ and all the colorful books under it. So I unconsciously started walking around as if I had planned to come (and it wasn’t because I was planning on going home and painting for the first time in forever). I began to indulge myself in Art and my desires, my foundation for my career choice, and tried to find inspiration in what to paint. I looked to the right of the shelf and surprise, surprise, Fashion Books. My heart sank and started to feel the little voice in my head guilting me of all the time and money spent the past four year to not have yet obtained a job in design. As I further looked into the Art books in my hand I started to feel sad. I felt somehow caged and obliged to pursue fashion for the rest of myself, as if I had signed my life away in blood to this industry, and sad because I had lost touch with what I loved the most which was creating in whatever freedom that my heart desired without searching for the approval (and grade) from others. I sat and journaled as I read away on Impressionism and Modern Art as well as Starting a career in fashion and other things to get my mind pumping.

After much alone time sitting and reflecting on the floor as people walked by, I came to a conclusion: I lack clarity in my style of living and in my voice of who I am. Introverted me would have chosen fine arts but I re-found the sense of challenge in fashion design, as I did my sophomore yr in college struggling through a foreign land beyond paints, pencils, and brushing into a world of fabrics, sewing, and concept development all contained in a well thought presentation with a personal aesthetic.

So I bought I book (that I have yet to read from work and all) about style, finding out who you are, how to love yourself and it sounds cheesy but I don’t love myself enough. I don’t have as much confident in the gray areas of my life and I really want to make all parts of me to good use.

Now the reason I’m writing all this is because finding myself is tricky land. It comes with a lot of “how you present yourself” and sets back on the thought of how God loves you rather than how people love you. So I really want for this journey of discovering my aesthetic with God together. I know that God loves me and finds me already worthy despite all my shame, and I don’t want this “loving myself” to come from other things that I surround myself with because I treat myself nice. I need to always come back to the ‘OG’ love that God is and remind myself that I can love myself the way I do because God can source me with that powerful love.

So if you are reading this right now, I would appreciate a little prayer over this phase that may or may not change me while I discover myself and how to make good use of my time (hopefully glorifying God and not me) but also motivating myself to get on with life already and stop being lazy because God loves me. I have the gifts, I just need the character and opportunity to use them and sitting home all day on Netflix won’t do anything so here I go.

Father God, I find myself on stammering waters where things are started to fog up but God help me to focus on your voice. Let me hear not from the books or from myself but from you. I’m sorry if I offend you by desiring more from myself but I hope you would reveal the truth of this matter. To be not of this world yet be the best I can be while I’m here (for you). In Jesus name. Amen