christian

Post Retreat.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’m surrounded by white walls.

****

“I DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING.
I DON’T FEEL LIKE PRAYING,
I DON’T FEEL LIKE SINGING,
OR TRYING,

I’M TIRED.” – I pouted.

 

I could sense the spiritual battle. “Satan” or whatever anti-God spirit was winning – He had me at 50%.

And I was okay with letting him win.

I was doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. annoyed. and didn’t give a **** about how I wanted to treat people anymore. I wanted to just be me and not think about how “good” I’m being.

And while I thought of this in my head… I realized… he wanted me to feel doubtful. confused. angry. bitter. 

I was hurt and lost so I built up walls to protect myself, strand myself away from others. but unknowingly started to do it alone, without God and the walls I built surrounding me were black.

God said. Okay. You don’t have to pray. or sing. or do anything. 

I wanted to sit alone but not in anger but not out in the open. (Usually you ask to “break these chains,” or “break down these walls,” but I wanted to still be alone, protected, resting, and still not doing anything.

50/50 with letting go of one side, at peace with picking either.

On a whim, I asked. “could you make these walls yours?” And slowly I felt a melting sensation. This hexagonal room began to melt the black away leaving me sitting in a room with white walls.

Still alone.
But from above, shone sunlight and I was resting in the protection and light of God. He wasn’t besides me but above me waiting for me to be ready to have company, still protected by his love.

No, not a lot has changed. I still feel hurt and I still feel like being alone but whenever I do encounter others, I’m surrounded by white walls, knowing God is protecting me, encouraging healthy interactions, and strength to be me.

Jan. 2. 2017

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I am on fire. I even had a dream about getting a job and not settling for less than I deserve. I wrote out emails, contacted friends, I feel like I can conquer the world. But before I go on and about my day with job searching, portfolio research, and yearly goal-making, I want to give thanks to God because I know for sure that this is all Him.

God I thank you for day 2 of 2017. I am on fire. hahah like I’ve said before and I feel so alive, alert, ready, focused, and I don’t feel like laying around, wasting my time. But God, can this feeling not be temporary? (all things of this world are temporary) but can this motivation be a part of who I am… Is it already a part of who I am? (you’ve already answered?) Well if it is, please protect it. Help me to protect this heart of mine that wants to work hard for your glory. God you have made me into this person that learned how to take care of herself. You taught me how to be aware, wise, and focused, You gave me direction, You gave me hope. You gave me fire. So all glory to your name for this day and this year to come and this life to live. You are good and I love you God. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Day 2.

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It’s now the second day after God pulled me out from deep waters (metaphorically speaking again of course) and I catch myself confused and almost shocked of how “Okay” I am.

I’m not suffocating, I’m not sad or on the verge of crying. And all these things were super real and up to my neck less than a week ago. It’s actually crazy. And I’m sharing all these lovely hopeful truths about God more because I want to share God’s goodness but if this was anyone else, I’d probably think, “This girl is bipolar.”

I’m saved. Again. Again and Again by the King of Kings and it’s hitting me now. There are so many times I’ve failed and so many things that probably should have ended with me drowning in my own hate and bitterness, but he didn’t let go of me.

My heart going from resentment/suffocation to joy and hopefulness in 3 days is just unreal. Do regular people without God go through this? In just 3 days?

God, I … Your glory in this situation is so big that I can’t comprehend it with my small mind and heart. But when I do stop, really stop to see myself when I’m alone right now… I can’t believe how secure I feel . I don’t have a job in the design industry, 23, single, broken family, still on this broken world and you, you are all that matters right now. Just yesterday after embarking on a new refreshed journey to bring you glory, I was still nervous and afraid. The world was scary to proclaim your name, but today, I honestly want every person I’ve met to know that you are so precious and selfless and limitless and so much more than anything this world says otherwise. The only thing I’m nervous for now is losing this fire for you. This focus and this strength. God I’m not perfect, but I ask desperately, won’t you provide the fire and help me provide the sacrifice. I know I can’t do it on my own, so let me not forget that it’s what you’ve done for me and not what I’ve done for you. I’m trying to not get high on your spirit so that I don’t fall hard but I’m praying, help my weak flesh and my willing spirit to love you always. Thank you for being so big, so awesome, so beautiful and creative and so loving towards such imperfect, failing beings. Thank you for redeeming us and thank you for saving us again and again. I love you. In Jesus name. Amen.

–

Yea. So I definitely needed to just pray it out. Less of me thinking to myself and more of me talking to Him. I’m probably gonna spend more time in worship but last thing.
I was really rejoicing today. Although I don’t have my circumstance fixed and “all better”, I have hope and wanted to say that it was really just all of God’s amazing Grace and unfailing love. I don’t have perfect pitch and I don’t have … guitar talent/strumming skills but I love expressing the love and truth that comes with God. Working on that #courage.

This is Amazing Grace (Cover)

Status Update. 7.30.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

07.11.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

God, a prayer for myself is that, fear wouldn’t hold me back. That I wouldn’t hold me back. That I wouldn’t sell myself short and that I would seek for more than what is content. Lord, I confess, life is pretty “chill” right now and everything is mostly good and I seemed to be satisfied but God, I’m reminded time and time again that this isn’t it for me. You have more planned and there are so many areas of my life that you want to fill. So help me with this truth God, help me to get up on my feet to move and seek more of you in the things I do and the places I go. Come fill me with courage and focused patience. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Isaiah 6. Who?

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  “Then I heard the Lord asking, “Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?” I said, “Here I am. Send me.””‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭6:8‬ 

I always imagined God would be asking us directly when he wanted something done. Example: “Doris, go evangelize to her,” or, “will you do this for my kingdom?” But here it seems God doesn’t have a direct subject and asks “Who”? And Isaiah says, “here I am.” 

If we were in Isaiah’s shoes, would we have enough courage to say,”me Lord, I’m available for your kingdom, pick me!” or would we stay quiet like we’re in class, hoping someone else would respond, avoiding eye contact, and hoping that your name wouldn’t be called. Instead of hearing God calling you specifically, maybe he’s asking, “who will serve?” Are we willing to be fearless to step up and say “Here I am. Send me.”? 

Father God, here I am. I am afraid to enter this industry, to be judged but knowing that you are with me my fears subside. God you call me worthy and beautifully fearlessly made. Father plant in me courage and knowing that you are more powerful, help me to trust in you. Help me be unafraid to answer your calling and be able to say “here I am.” In Jesus name, Amen.

Psalm 51. Broken Hearts Wanted

~ DL ~ Leave a comment
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

During this lent season, we’re giving up (fasting) one thing to give up to God and it may seem like a healthy spiritual thing to do to not get too attached to this world. But what God truly desires is our heart in this. A heart that desires change, a heart that acknowledges its brokenness and heart that desires God’s spirit. I pray that we wouldn’t be so caught up in giving a thing up because we have to but because we know that through it, God can fill us in that area with more of his presence.

Mark 1. My Own Faith

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“He called them at once, and they also followed him, leaving their father, Zebedee, in the boat with the hired men.”‭‭Mark‬ ‭1:20‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I think I’m in the same process of leaving my dads job to follow what God has planned for me. Thinking about fashion and working in the industry just feels right and to follow God is sometimes leaving your father for a greater purpose. It’s less extreme that I’m not leaving and never seeing him again but I think in the same sense, I’m being selfish for God’s kingdom rather than working under my dad unhappily. I was encouraged to read this today. 

Another things stood out to me, Jesus was in the wilderness for forty day first before he started serving, healing, and gathering his disciples. I think it was a test to see if Jesus can be faithful with his own faith first before he served. In the same way I hope that I’ll test my own faith before serving.

God, thank you for this day. I pray over our church retreat and I pray that you’d be with us as we as a church fight for you spirit to sovereign over us. I pray that patience and a open, focused heart would be with me to receive your word and that I’d affirm my faith before serving others. Lord bless this weekend, I can’t wait. In Jesus name, Amen.

I Quit.

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financial-checklist-before-quitting-your-job
Feb 6. 2016
I Quit my Job.

Okay not quit today but I told my dad today that I want to stop working in his store and it’s with a heavy heart but I needed to opt-out because I felt stuck.

It first started off as simply helping the family but for the past few weeks I was in a cycle of saying that I’m going to get work done (for my fashion career) and never getting anything done as I’d hoped and feeling discouraged and disappointed. I love my family and I love helping them but being here isn’t where I can fully help them and help myself and I realized after I said that I would quit that it was the right decision. I no longer feel like I’m in limbo but on a deadline to find a job now that I am no longer financially supported by my family. Honestly I’ve lived such a privileged life; life has been handed to me, my car, my tuition and it’s at a point where I know I can’t grow to be a fully responsible adult if I don’t take matter into my own hands. I need to struggle for my own life and stop being so afraid to face adult life/job life.

My Pastor once spoke about finding out God’s will and how we’ll feel right while doing work for his glory and something about where I was didn’t feel right. When I think about my journey in fashion, something about it, although I know I’m going to struggle through bumps and face sooo many challenges, feels right. I think it’s where God’s going to reveal himself to and where I can grow with full potential and I’m so excited to start it.

One thing that threw me off was the fact that my mom didn’t have faith in me after I told her I quit. I don’t want to face my career trying to prove a point to my mom but I can’t help but feel sad that she sees her regrets and mistakes as a parent when she sees me. But here’s to so many changes in life but facing them all with God.

God, first thankyou for this day where I was able to break the pressure of being a daughter to my parents and allowing me to be selfish for my career in the most loving way. You have provided me with so much already and I can feel that you’re ready to provide me with so much more as I face this career that you’ve lead me to. Thank you for having faith in me and thank you for my family group that also has so much faith in me. I pray that you’d provide hope for my mom and reveal to her a new light and truth on life. I have faith in you and your timing God that she will one day see the joy in hoping and striving for more in life through the struggles that we face. Protect me and help me to use this lent season for your glory and to be pushed beyond my limits. God I’m just so overwhelmed by your grace and love and all that you’ve done for me to be here at this point at peace. I love you God and I pray that you’d bless this season to be full of wisdom and patience but also proactiveness in your kingdom. In Jesus name, Amen.