Amen.

Matthew 28 – Greetings

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“Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭28:9‬ ‭NIV‬

I find it so beautiful that the first thing Jesus says after being ressurected from the dead was ‘greetings’. If a king and savior has resurrected from the dead, I would imagine, “I have risen and I have proven you wrong, I am the almighty!!!” Or something more grandure but he says hello and it melts my heart that he would still be humble and still remember us, still say hi to us. 

My most intimate moments during prayer after I haven’t prayed in a while is when I’m ready to pray and he say, “hi Doris”. He says hello to begin the conversation and/or for me to listen. The almighty savior says hello to the hopeless, the broken, his child, his precious son / daughter and praise him for that. 

Hi God. Thankyou for alway being here for me and listening to me. Father how precious is the gift you have to us, this quality of love and being able to share it. You have sacrificed your son to love me and help me to do the same. Help me to sacrifice my pride and my time to be close to you, to spend time all day thinking of you and talking to you knowing that you are near that you are always present. Holy is my father and sovereign is his love. Widen my heart to be filled with more of your love. I love you God. In Jesus name, Amen.

Matthew 27 – God’s Gifting and Working

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The Crucifixion.
Many people had tested God that day by saying,“You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” I would feel so suffocated in this situation holding in the truth to cover all man’s sins even the ones before me. They even sent a guard to guard the tombstone for three days to test to see what he had said was true.

From this passage it makes me think of all the times I’ve “tested” God before by asking Him, “God if you really exist, please _______ right now.”  And the blanks would be filled by ‘fix my family’, ‘heal his bitter heart’, ‘stop the rain’ without having faith and seeing that God has a bigger picture for us than just right now. God was already moving and is always moving in us and for us to ask of him to work right now is pretty selfish. He has been working with the beginning by placing the big bright sun in the sky that starts our day, through sending Jesus to cover us so that we may have the privilege to have this precious relationship with God now and forever.

50And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit. 51And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. 52The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised,53and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many. 54When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, “Truly this was the Son of God!”

Father God, it seems sometimes that we take your love for granted. This precious gift that you gave to us shouldn’t be reminded only by reading Matthew 27 but in all chapters everyday. Everything we have wouldn’t be without you and I thank you so much for sending your only son Jesus to die for us so that we may be forgiven even today to question your existence and works. God you love us so much, I’m sorry for all the times I was afraid. Search my heart and fill it with your Spirit God and help me to use this gift you gave to walk in courage and serve your kingdom. I love you God, In your son’s most precious name, Amen. 

Matthew 26 – Falling

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It’s the beginning of the climax. The last supper, Judas’s betrayal, Peter’s denial; it all makes me sad how these men who were Jesus’s disciples, his right hand men would turn their backs on him. How lonely Jesus must have felt to knowing they would fail him. I remember years ago, I picked up my phone at the last ring and the friend, thinking that I didn’t pick up, starting speaking poorly of me while I listened on the other end. At that moment my faith in my friends vanished; who where these people I called friends? I wonder if Jesus felt anger and disappointment but just stayed calm because it was his father’s will to cover our sins. I also wonder if in my life I’ll ever deny or betray Jesus as Peter or Judas did. As of now, I have no problem sharing my faith and not feeling ‘not cool’ when I tell my friends I can’t make it to their hangout because I have church events. But if America was under the conditions in other countries where personal beliefs weren’t allowed and the penalty was death would I still believe? Would I declare my faith moments before my coming death?

41Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Father God, this passage revealed to me how easy it is to fall into temptation and failure. You were living among your disciples and your presence was right there yet they fell. Lord help me and build me so that my flesh would also be willing to shout your name and declare that you are my King. I pray that you would deliver me from evil and temptation, that you would have a strong hold on my heart, protect it and guard it. Thank you for allowing me to have freedom in believing you and being able to freely share about your kingdom and glory. I love you, In Jesus name, Amen.

Matthew 10

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Recently my parents have been burdening my heart. My mom gave up Christianity when my brother was going through a hard time in school. “There is No God who would put me and my family through this kind of stress,” she said. My dad tried Christianity but kept to his ways of his southern korean tradition of “being a men”. “I will never shed tears because I am a man and your dad.” And being an overly emotional person, I cry at sad endings, frustrations, joys and it’s just a messy conversation when the three of us start talking about life and future and ‘what is right’.

34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
 

It kinda threw me into shock after reading Matthew 10:34-39. It also made me think of Matthew 8: 21-22 Another of the disciples said to him, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.” My first thought is God What? Didn’t you place me in this family for me? To think that God may ask me to turn away from my family to do his work is unsettling for me. Yes we get into argument and it’s not a perfect family but I love my family. If my whole family were to perish right now, I’m sure I would grow bitter at God.
Now thinking about how I would react and realize how much I hold on to my family so dearly must mean I’m still attached to this world. My brother once asked me, If you were to die right now, what would be the last thing you’d want to do? I thought about it and responded Say my goodbyes. It’s weird to think that God may not give me that opportunity or even have me turn against my family but if I think of the future for my kids, I would want them to rely on God’s unending love because I’m bound to fail somewhere. By revealing this passage I think God’s speaking to me that it’s okay that your parent and you are arguing. My name does that sometimes… *chuckles.

Father God, help me to grow into a wise, loving daughter of my parents but also to grow into a women of Christ that is willing to follow you for your greater purpose. Just like how we need to cut ties with bad influences such as friends in our lives, I think maybe it’s okay to cut the bad ties and influences our parents have on us like the words, ” You are unworthy”. Father you call me worthy, daughter, and child. Let this not be a rebel against my parents but have this become the strength that may lead them towards to understanding their place in your heart as well. Father help me to come to understand more of taking up my cross. Lord I pray for my future husband and family, children, I pray that they would love you more and rely more on your providence while respecting the family you have given them. My family is not eternal so Lord let my comfort come from my Father in Heaven and abide in you. In Jesus name, Amen.

All I need is you Lord
is you Lord
All I need is you Lord

Matthew 9

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Jesus Heals, and by reading this chapter, I was able to find such settlement and rest in my heart that no matter how crazy the situation or impossible sicknesses can seem, He can heal through our faith.

Father God, I pray for unwithering faith. Lord let me be able to never doubt your abilities knowing that you are always working through our struggles, that you have never forsaken us. I pray for any doubt in me to leave and always walk forward strong in peace knowing you reign. You are such a great God who loves such faulty people, Thankyou. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Planning the New Hampshire Trip / Father’s Heart

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My parents have a tendency to not officially announce events or vacations until the week or day before.  For instance, I could have had a sleepover planned with a friend Saturday night, and my dad would call around 6pm and would say,”going to grandma’s birthday tonight, get ready.” Now over the years, they’ve definitely improved notifying me and my siblings about such plans and events ahead of schedule but this year was another year.
Most vacations my dad would be the one taking care of all the planning with the hotels, attractions, and time of when to depart but unfortunately, he was unable to make it because of his business and the responsibility fell on me knowing that my mom (who isn’t fluent in english) would have a long stressful struggle trying to figure things out.
2 days. They gave me two days notice to plan a trip to New Hampshire, and because I was busy the first day from previous plans, I only had Sunday to research and plan what to do because I didn’t really know what New Hampshire was about.
To be honest, I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, rest, sleep, get some reading in and not spend money and time into going on a vacation so hastily with the responsibility of the enjoyment of the whole trip on me. It wasn’t even a family vacation because my dad was busy and my sister was in band camp for that week. But understanding my mom’s heart which wanted me and mostly my brother to experience different settings around the world, I reluctantly set my heart to planning a short vacation for me, my mom, and my brother.
The night before, I spent all night researching top attractions, their hours and prices, the locations, and a hotel that would be somewhat close to the ones I thought would be best. Finally around 5am, the day of the trip, I booked the hotel for that day and slept for 6 hours. I woke up had breakfast and went to wake up my brother.
Getting my brother out of his bed is the hardest thing to do because my couch potato brother can change his mind on an instant notice. All he would want to do is to stay home and play games on his laptop and makes up lame excuses to not go anywhere. “I don’t want to go cut my hair because you woke me up in a pissed mood”, “I don’t care about her concert, I just don’t want to go.” And I’ve done pretty well in trying to convince him to go out every time he tried stay home this summer, but that morning I didn’t want to hear it with my lack of sleep.
With my most loving-est, gentle-est sister voice, I tried to wake him up to get ready to go and he said, “I’m not going.”  My heart dropped and I didn’t even have energy to persuade him with a different attitude. “Come on, don’t do this,” I said exhausted. And he said no once more.
Something inside me snapped, the old me without patience for my younger brother came back, and the ugly came out. “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?! I SPENT ALL NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! RESEARCHING THIS FAMILY TRIP SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME!” A whole other sentences came out from disappointment, stress, exhaustion, frustration along with pillow whacking and wrestling his defences. I ran to my room and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I laid in bed sobbing and praying in distress knowing that today was the day of the trip and would also have to pack to drive 6 hours into NH.  Why God, why did you give me such a difficult brother, why did you make me first child, why is this family so broken? I spent all night researching, planning, for this trip that I didn’t even want to go to, and I have to deal with this? How could he say no? But in that moment I felt and understood some of God’s heart for me.
He must feel the way I feel when I say no to his plans for me. My Father who has this perfect plan for me, probably spent a lot more time then the night before to make sure things fall into place so that I may be able to experience whatever he has in store for me. But the moment I hesitate and turn away, if he had my heart, I’m sure he’d throw a tantrum as well but instead of whacking me with pillows he’d strike a lot more painful and furious things at me that I can’t imagine what would be anything but terrifying. Then I thought, Wow, what a Beautiful God we have to have given us Jesus to take our sins and his wrath upon him so that he may be able to show us grace and redeem us to make us whole.

We ended up going after my mom settled my brother’s heart, and had a spontaneous and fun time relaxing, hiking, and seeing awe-ing mountain tops. But the preparation for this trip would be the one thing I would never forget.

Father, thankyou. For so many things. For this imperfect family, for this opportunity to come to understand a bit of your heart for me and your children, for sending Jesus to die for our sins. Lord how can you have such a kind heart towards me, how can you hold yourself together when so many times I’ve turned away from you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have failed in the past and will fail yet again once more but I pray Lord won’t your spirit of love overwhelm me to always bring me back to you. I have faith that you will always bring me back to your truth, your love and grace, your mercy and might, strength and peace. Put in me a spirit that desires to seek more of your heart, words, and truth. King Jesus, let me live my life to glorify your precious name high because you are everlasting. Let me not be tempted by this world and its patterns. I love you and I pray all these things in your son’s name, Amen.

Grace, You’ve shown me grace
You’ve lifted my shame
Drawn me with loving kindness
Washed whiter than snow
You have redeemed and made me whole

– You Have Won me by Bethel Music

Galatians 6 / Ephesians 1

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I decided at the end of my semester that I would serve in the college ministry again although I would have been a graduate. I knew that post-grad life would be a difficult time for someone like me who likes to explore and try many new things. With all this free time knowing that I won’t be attending school (as of now) anymore, I was bound to get distracted and even lose the importance of why I decided to grow in my faith. Thankfully, I have somewhat came back from drifting a far and truthfully have an eager heart to grow with God once more.
Entering (as our church calls it) Apprenticeship the second year around, I feel different than I did last year. I feel calmer and less hyped but just peaceful in the fact that I know that God will do wonders if we let him lead us, but I know for him to lead us, we need to have a spirit filled vessel. Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. reminds me that during this process and serving, I too need to keep an eye on myself and not be tempted. I think too much serving can also lead to distraction from the actual relationship with God. A friend once said that she confused love for God as serving; that by serving she thought she was showing love for God but disregarded the intimacy with him in prayer with her heart and His presence. I hope to enter this serve this year securely in God’s faith so that I may be able to serve my brothers and sisters and encourage them to walk in God’s truth.

Ephesians 1:13
In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit,

Father God, let me be able to be so secure in who you are and what you have done for me. Let me be able to walk in your Spirit and follow where you lead. Let me not be afraid of rejection or fear and walk in your light and truth. Father, I want to be more like you, prepare my heart to see the way you do. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Dusty Rock Tower

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So one thing I held onto since I was little was Fame.
I wanted to be a famous violinist, then a famous singer, famous actor, famous fashion designer, and even in small places like my christian community, I wanted fame. I wanted people to see me and say, “there goes Doris, so cool with life and God.” So when I realized on my way back from OTR (explained in Post-OTR) that I wanted all Glory, even God’s Glory to go to me, I ended up basking in shame. How could I use God like that.

This past Sunday service (which was also TRPC’s 20th Anniversary whoo! praise the lord!) one of the encouragements was that God will shake the heaven and earth to clean off that are not part of His Kingdom; everything that’s not, will crumble. And I guess this encouragement kinda spoke to me in a different way.
During Worship I saw this tower made out of fuzzy, gray, dust-like stone and God shook it and in the center was one rock, colorful, filled with God’s spirit. I just kept shaking my hands asking God to shake off those dusty gray rock, that he would rid of all things that were not for his Glory and that every rock that would make up who I am be colorful and filled with his spirit so that the tower may rise with and for his Glory.

God, I pray for every person in my church, for my brothers and sisters all over the world, and for me, that you would send a shaking, so that we may be able to see what we’re building our towers with. May we realized and be able to see that only your rock filled with your spirit will stand, be made strong, and will be filled with Glory. That we may realize our tower is not our own and can only last with your Power. My everlasting God, let us not seek after temporary things but your eternal love and glory. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever (Matthew 6:13). Amen.