Amen.

John 19 / Life

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I always get heavy hearted and teary while reading about Jesus’s Crucifixion. Sad fact though, I did not know they had three versions of Jesus’s death on Luke, John, and Matthew. Comes to show how little I know about the bible and how much I have yet to learn.

So I finished reading my book on style and I feel no different really. Maybe a little more energized to pursue things in life but with what purpose? I end up spiraling in questions (which is a good thing at times) about my intentions for investing my time into things like uploading a post or starting a project.

Recently I’ve been thinking about creating a blog, more than just think.grapefruit where I journal where I can share the things I do the work I enjoy doing but downside, it’ll eat up my time for doing the ‘important stuff’ like doing my QT or finding a job in fashion.

“There is no right way,” I told myself; for almost everything like reaching success and entering a career in the industry. But I’m sure with God, there is a righteous way where it would honor him rather than following my own signals to pursue a career thats only temporary.

My dad’s uncle on my grandmother’s side recently passed away. There he was laying in his coffin neatly placed, resting before me an empty vessel, leaving the world behind. So when I think of doing things, I always think… will this thing I do be seen in God’s eyes?

In the end and the answer I’m trying to avoid is, am I doing this for me or for other people or for God? And it’s a tricky answer because how is writing a blog (not on daily devotionals) for God? and it leads to questions like “Does everything in my life have to be devoted to God?”

I’m working now, at my dad’s newly opened store basically assistant manager taking care of the store, cashiering, moving clothes around, and a bunch of other small tasks, reporting big new back to my dad when he comes back from other errands. Now I have a paycheck coming in which I really didn’t think about because after paying for my tuition, it’s okay dad, you REALLY don’t have to but he does to show that work pays off. So now I have a weekly salary and I’ve been using it up like daddy’s little gold digger. Surprisingly today I was driving home and thought, does this mean I have to start putting money in the offering box on Sundays? But I’m still poor recent graduate without a steady income not really at my real job. Then the thought of Jesus’s Crucifixion came up, how he didn’t sacrifice an arm or leg for us but his whole self; how the poor (samaritans?) gave up everything yet the tax collector who had so much to spare gave up so sparingly. There my answer was pretty clear.

And going back to devoting everything in my life to God, I don’t think its an extreme case of making sure the water was approved before drinking it by God but knowing the foundations for the reasons I do things.

God didn’t create a blob like the million other blobs that live around me; he created a unique individual soul with gifts and talents that would glorify God and he loved it through all the mistakes he knew he or she was going to make. I am different than my brothers and sisters and I love dancing, illustrating, singing (not so well I’m told), designing, thinking, believing, trying new things and I think it’s something to celebrate because God put all those things in me to make up who I am. I’m still not sure how people can so confidently post on fb about God’s love for them on a picture that doesn’t reference the writing that goes with it and get a jillion likes but I I’m starting to think it all comes from the heart of loving who you are, that is, God’s most precious, loved child.

And yes, there are still times that God’s love amazes me to the point of doubting this perfect love all together, but in the end I’d rather look like a fool that found freedom from fear and worries than following what the world says is ‘cool’.

God, there’s never a day like today, right now, to worship you and to love you. No matter what situation and circumstance, whether I’m doing nothing or if I’m traveling to Italy on vacation, let me always think of you and all that you’ve done for me. My life is literally not my own, I don’t call the shots because I’m better off not calling the shots. God help me to be courageous in the things I do, the words I say, let me be wise but still true to myself in the way I speak and move so that I may not lose myself. God, this blog thing is all really tricky in my head but Lord I love all parts of me that want to express in a shape, form, moment, 2D, 3D and I want to be doing that in a way that still honors you. Help me to always give thanks for the mercy, grace and blessings you provide each day. Make me into a more thankful person and be able to smile at the gifts you’ve provided. And so, Lord I thank you for my family that supports me and for providing me with them and providing them with finances and joy. I thank you for this precious time where I’m able to elaborate my thoughts deeper with you and where I’m able to reconnect with my one Savior, my one place of freedom. Help me to refine myself and I pray for more of your heart in me. Thank you for the cross God, thank you for your word and always remind me of the love you give so freely. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Zechariah 5 – God’s Wrath

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In Zechariah 5, God sends two ‘visions’ to Zechariah. One of a flying scroll that curses the house of every thief and to anyone who swears falsely by God’s name, and another of a woman in a basket, which represented wickedness, to be brought back to Babylonia.
To be honest I was confused after rereading the passage, so after many summary readings, I started questioning Where does God’s wrath go?

Zechariah 5:4 The LordAlmighty declares, ‘I will send it out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of anyone who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in that house and destroy it completely, both its timbers and its stones.’ ”

The bible talks many time about God’s wrath, that God will uphold justice and destroy houses…and if our God is the same God through all of time, that God never changes than why do we only talk about his love? Thankfully I did some further researching and found this.

The wrath of God is His eternal detestation of all unrighteousness. It is the displeasure and indignation of Divine equity against evil. It is the holiness of God stirred into activity against sin.

(I remember discussing this during Apprenticeship training) God’s wrath isn’t towards the people who commit sin; his anger doesn’t go to the person but to the sin itself. I think about all the times I was bitter or held anger against someone for doing me wrong and I always thought, God why do you want me to love this person, UGH NO, I just don’t want to. And I realize now that it’s their sin that I should be bitter towards. God loves them and God wants to bring out the best of them for them but ‘they do not know what they’ve done’ because of the blindness from sin (And this is probably where Jesus comes into the picture to save us from God destroying sin by destroying us).

Wow does God have all the answers or does God have all the answers?

God, thank you for opening up my eyes today to see and understand a little more of you. Lord I pray that whenever people do me wrong and find it difficult to love and easier to find anger, that you would lead that anger toward sin and not the person themselves. I pray for more of your heart for my brothers and sisters and that I too would be jealous for your heart God so that I may be jealous for my brothers and sisters. God I thank you for your protection whenever I have big questions and thank you for Jesus because it all seems to go back to Him always. God you are so good, help me to share this goodness to the people around me and fill me with a desire to always seek your spirit. Overwhelm my soul Lord God everyday of your glory. I pray all these things in your sons name, Amen. 

Zephaniah 2

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Under Moab and Ammon, it seems they have insulted and made threats against God’s people so God replies by saying how he’ll leave the cities in ruins like Sodom and Gomorrah and the remnant of (his) people will plunder them; the survivors of (his) nation will inherit their land. (v.9)

10This is what they will get in return for their pride,
for insulting and mocking
the people of the LordAlmighty.
11The Lord will be awesome to them
when he destroys all the gods of the earth.
Distant nations will bow down to him,
all of them in their own lands.

When I read this section of this chapter I was so hyped. I’m sure there are people you’ve faced that mocked God and have maybe even thrown you off by using God’s name in vain. (I feel that way all the time when my brother says it). But God is the King of Justice and we are his precious children. He’s like a parent that will not stand up for people who mock his children, his family, his name and he’ll protects us, open up people’s eyes in away where they are terrified of him and see him in awe. God is so good and so great and the best part is is that he is by our side and he is Ours.

Father God, thank you for loving us and thank you for awing us as well in all the glory of who you are. I pray that your presence will be so near this week, that our spirits will be lifted knowing that you are besides us and loving us and protecting us from any injustice we face. God we lift our burdens to you knowing that you will keep them in your hands. Thank you for being ‘our’ God. In Jesus name, Amen. 

And I will call upon your name
and keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours and you are mine

-Oceans by Hillsong United

Lamentation 5 – God Forsake His People?

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Jeremiah speaks of the state of God’s people how everything basically sucks and at the end writes,
v.19 – 22 You, Lord, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.
Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?
Restore us to yourself, Lord, that we may return;
renew our days as of old
unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.
I remember Paster Ulysses speaking in apprenticeship training how our God is the same God throughout the bible and that he isn’t an angry God in the Old Testament and a loving, baby lamb holding God in the New Testament. So when I come to read things like “Why do you forsake us?” I would initially think, did Old Testament God forsake his people? But further thinking upon it, I think it’s natural for Jeremiah to think that God has forsaken them. That he left them in the rut to just rot away and have everything suck. Just as we think God has left us when times are rough.
When I think back to my first encounters with God, when I first came back to church in about two and half years ago, I remember being filled with bitterness and confusion. Why is my family going through this hard time? Why isn’t he fixing anything and why is he ‘letting’ this happen? Whenever I felt such bitterness, my family group leader (Jon Gong) would always say, “Doris, God is good.” Tears would run down my face because I wanted to except that fact so badly but the circumstances didn’t allow my heart to fully realize it.
God has never left my side and God’s timing is beyond our measure. So even now when I pray constantly for God to shed his light on my mom and see no change, I think to myself God, please HEAR my prayer because it feels like nothings happening. I come back to remind myself that God is working and it’s just a matter of MY faith and patience in Him.
Father God, you have been with me through everything, and I know you will always be with me through everything. So God, I pray, keep me strong, when waters get deep and my faith is tested, Lord let me be so strong in that you have faith in me. I think my faith is being tested everyday living in a household of non-believers but God, you are greater than my problems here in this temporary home. God you are able and you love is overly abundant so thank you so much for bringing me this far. Thank you for revealing your truths, pouring your grace and mercy, for carrying my burdens, and for lightening the weight on my heart by filling it with your spirit. God I pray for your strength to reside in me whenever my knees feel weak. Help me to be bold and so unafraid of this world. I love you, In Jesus name. Amen.

Daniel 9 – God’s Mercy

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v.18 O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy.

Because of God’s mercy, we are able to present our “pleas” to him.
I think we’re all familiar with the phrase, “prayer is usually for us because God already knows.” Through prayer we are able to confess our sins, and be made anew, but only because of his mercy are we able to do any of it.

I’m not sure about everyone else but for me, I first learned about God’s grace before God’s mercy; that His grace is abundant and through His grace I am where I am. But when I rephrase it as “I am here through His grace and mercy” I start to think of all the sin in my life; how he gave me mercy when I deserved punishment. It’s not likely that people want to think of all the bad things that they have done but in this case, I think thinking of God’s mercy for us shows us how much more love he has for us. He can be the Father who gets mad and grounds us, not allowing us to experience joy in life but he shows mercy so that we experience everything else he has for us. God love us so much.

Father God, thank you for having mercy on us so that we may be able to communicate to you, to simply be able to speak to you and receive your heart. Thank you for having new mercy’s for me everyday. I pray that I would have the same heart for new mercies onto people who have done wrong and forgive as you did for me. Lord I pray that you would create an urgency to be with you, to meet with you everyday and that I may run my day on the love that you gave me. Lord help me to spend time with you slowly and I pray that you would continue to rest your spirit of patience upon me. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice, remind me of this as I try to do the same for you with all that I have. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

I know I still make mistakes
But you have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails.

DL

Daniel 3 – He is Among Us

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King Nebuchadnezzar had a golden statue of himself put up and at the sound of music, people were to fall and worship the golden image and whoever doesn’t were to be cast into a burning fiery furnace. But when he found out Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego didn’t worship the golden image, he brought them forth and gave them a decision, worship the golden statue or be cast into a burning fiery furnace; who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands? (v.15)

v.16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. v.17 If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

What a boss answer. “No need to answer you” they’re like, “Psh, we don’t need to answer you, we have our mighty God who will deliver us and if not, we still wouldn’t have worshiped you.” They weren’t afraid of dying to their deaths and was certain to not worship something other than God. 

v. 24-27 Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.” Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the burning fiery furnace; he declared, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here!” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out from the fire. And the satraps, the prefects, the governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. The hair of their heads was not singed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire had come upon them.

God not only prevented the 7x-hotter-fire from burning them up, but He also was walking among them. He’s not a mighty God who only sits at his throne and looks down at us to say, “you can do it, go on.” He’s a God who will walk amongst us and say, “here, I’ll take you through it.”

God, you are always so good. You walk us through fire and you continue to have faith in us when we sometimes don’t in ourselves. God I pray that you would pour down your spirit of strength and power to cast away all fears of following you. God you have the best planned out for us, may we be able to rely on you and follow you with our arms open wide for your Glory. Lord I pray for you spirit to fall, a spirit of compassion and humility so that I may be able to show my family and others the heart you have planted in me and the heart you have for them. Lead me for your Glory. In Jesus name. Amen.

Daniel 1 – Our God Sovereigns

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I think I remember a service where this chapter was how kosher came and Daniel and three others didn’t want to eat food and wine provided by the king but vegetables. It’s interesting how God was able to skillfully sovereign and provide for Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah.

v.9 And God gave Daniel favor and compassion in the sight of the chief of the eunuchs,

it doesn’t say the chiefs were feeling merciful but that GOD gave compassion and favor to the chiefs upon Daniel. God had shifted the chief’s hearts at the moment to listen to Daniel so that they may be able to honor God.

v.17 As for these four youths, God gave them learning and skill in all literature and wisdom, and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams.

God provided them with the wisdom that also made the king inquire them and not just “here’s wisdom”, wisdom and understanding “ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters that were in all his kingdom” (v.20).

Saturday night at the retreat, Pastor Peter Yoon said that “you’re never in the wrong place or wrong time when being used by God“. And Daniel 1 really comes to show that when God is working in you or through you he will supply and provide in marvelous ways that are 10x better than this world can offer.

Father God, you have our backs when doing your will, and you will always work things for our good so I pray that you would lift our faith in you even more so that we may be unafraid of honoring you knowing that you sovereign over all things. In Jesus name, Amen.

1 Thessalonians 4 – “Faith in the Second Coming”

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17Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.

This verse sounds beautiful and skeptical to me. Maybe it shows me how selfish I am for the desire to be with God with little faith I really have in the second coming. I realized lately that for me, its hard to fully disbelieve the evolution or fully believe the second coming where we would rise into to clouds and meet the Lord in the air. I would love to believe it because where better to be than with our Lord, especially during hard times the lyrics “I want to be where you are” screams from the heart. But to be Christian and to follow God means putting our faith not only on the things that we want to believe in like God’s love, faith, and grace towards us, but having faith in the Bible, the truth that it gives and trusting in God’s words and spirit.

Father God, I’m sorry that my heart is blinded to your truth. Father as you reveal to me more and more of your spirit and works that you do in me, guard my faith and open my heart to believe and wait for you coming. v. 7 “For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.” God you have called us for more than the flaws of our flesh and earthly desires. I put my faith in you and your word Lord and I know you will deliver us from evil one day but until that day come, let me be an active, hard-working servant waiting for the arrival of my master. All this is for your honor and glory and praise. In Jesus name, Amen.

And so I wait for you,
So I wait for you
I’m falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus your all this heart is living for. 

1 Thessalonians 3 – “Loving One Another”

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(I started reading 1 Thessalonians 3 and after reading a paragraph and a half’s worth, I with shock realized it was a short chapter and was thinking oh my gosh, it’s almost over and haven’t absorbed anything… I need to go back and re-read more slowly. I think at times it’s easy to read the bible while floating along, doing the motions, and the same goes with everyday life. Sometimes we don’t see how quick the end comes and unfortunately we can’t go back to re-do our life more slowly and meaningfully. Just thought I’d share before I start.)

12and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you,

Recently I’ve been feeling really bitter about this verse or anything that has to do with love one another. I often try to see the best in people and I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like to have bad relations with anyone and at times I wish God has given me a personality that was more indifferent when it comes to community. That person doesn’t like me? That’s okay we don’t all have to get along and be friends. But for me it’s hard to accept that because why not? Especially in the christian community, it’s painful to see a brothers and sisters not getting along or not trying. I realized no matter how different we are on the outside, we are still all children of God and our Father is our bond to one another; it’s the matter of willingness and effort to seek the heart and spirit within them to see the beauty that God sees in them.

Now I know what your thinking, someone may be thinking the same thing about you how you may not seem so loving and trying. I know, we’re all flawed and we have sin to blame and Jesus to celebrate but I guess it really hurts when people you thought were friends hurt you the same making you feel you guys never were in the first place. I guess I expected more when it came to Christians because we’re in a community where we strive to love or fight for one another.

At times I do feel lonely, I’m serving at the college ministry when I’m not a college student anymore and all my friends that I considered myself to be “chill” with have left the community or left their faith. I’m surrounded by underclassmen but even then feel secluded not being in their grade. After feeling unwanted a lot of thoughts come to mind, is it because I’m a bit larger? is it because I’m too loud or have no personality? What I mean by no personality is that I can’t really say I’m known for a specific thing than being all over the place. I’m a sensitive person behind the jokes and toughness I seem to show and like saying before, I wish I was more indifferent. But all these thoughts and feelings leave me resenting myself for who God made me to be.

Yesterday after spending a beautiful time worshiping and praying and being filled, I encountered another situation where I felt out-of-place and made me realize, wow, without God’s presence and living in the Holy Spirit, we are so easily prone to being affected and hurt and angry. While driving home, I dealt with those “lies” in my head that the flaw was with me, I’m the problem why I’m not loved. But the son No longer slaves came on and I ended up yelling freely in my car, “I AM SENSITIVE AND GOD LOVES ME FOR IT!” And as cheesy it may sound, my definition isn’t Doris – large, loud, no personality but it’s Doris – child of God and that enough to suffice my identity.

I know that there will be no day where we would bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy (Mean Girls ref. lol) until that day comes where we reunite with our Father in Heaven. But until that day comes I hope that we can all strive for our identity in Christ in trying to love one another because he loved us when we were undeserving. He calls us child when we’ve run away and rebelled, so with that same heart that is in us, lets love one another.

Father God, you are so great and so amazing to have sent your son, for us to be able to reconnect with you, to be able to receive your love and grace and to be made anew. Lord you have given us so much, let us be so proud to be your child and walk proudly with power knowing that you are with us wherever you go. Thank you for the personality you gave me and thank you for always loving me through my flaws and outbreaks. You are a mighty God and I love you so much. Let your spirit always suffice each and everyday. In Jesus name, Amen. 

2 Timothy 1 – Self Control

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2 Timothy 1: 6-7

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

After reading this I think of the song Consuming Fire by Hillsong United

Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name

I always sang it as “the consuming fire is like a fire into flame” with only the visuals of a growing fire but the verse sheds a new light to this flame, that “we must fan into the flame which is the gift of God”.  Moving forward, what really struck me was reading that God gave us self-control. I understand that we’re not supposed to plan or control our own future because God is in control but reading this, Paul reminds us that it’s also our responsibility for us to be in control of our own hearts.
I think a lot of times, I say God is all-knowing and all-controlling and use that as an excuse to not move myself because if it’s God’s will, I would feel to move right? No. I think it pleases God to see our efforts to move our butts so that we can make time to do works for him and seek after for his heart. He gave us a spirit of self-control to not surround ourselves with things that we know would distract us from him and guard our hearts from certain things to fan and maintain this flame, this gift that God has given us.

Father God, I thank you for a revealing a spirit that you gave me that I overlooked. God plant in me a desire and excitement to fan this flame, this precious flame you gave us. Help me focus on your spirit of love, power, and self-control so that I may be able to work hard for your kingdom inside and outside of church community and I for more self-control in indulging in this world. Lord you are all I need, give me a heart to serve my King. In Jesus name, Amen.