Day 6?

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been awhile since I’ve spent time with God on my own time… since Friday and a lot already feels so empty without that time to remind myself that he’s with me. Anxieties flew back when I started thinking about moving forward and lost track of everything. “For God’s Glory.” “Love God, believe in Jesus.” “Peace is with you, God is with you.” Everything flashes away once I see the likes on someone’s post, or how well people are succeeding. And I know it’s not wrong to desire success, to do something, to move forward and get live starting but I guess for me the problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever moved forward with God leading me every step. 

Before last week, I was walking with the idea that God was trailing me. That he’d meet me where I go (which was wrongly interpreted in some areas) and most of my decisions were made by me, never fully convicted that God had told me to go a certain direction. “Take this Job.” “Take this opportunity.” “I want you to go talk to that person about this.” And to be honest I don’t think I’ve prayed for that either. We live in such a world that tells us to YOLO and go where we want to and do what we want that it’s difficult thinking about a God-dependent life.

God. I want to depend on you more. Depend on your guidance in such a way where I don’t see it as a suggestion but as your light. That your glory will be found and revealed at these tunnels and roads that you lead me to and praying/typing about it now excites me. So I pray for my prayers, that it would truly wait and listen to see where you’d want me to go and to hear you. Protect and I pray that this joy of yours that I seek after would continue to fuel me. Again I love you Lord, Thank you for loving me through all these flaws, In Jesus name, Amen. 

Day 4. Day 5.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t upload anything because I had work all day and I honestly kept getting distracted from touching upon God’s word or presence. Wow how crazy weak.

But Day 4. Thursday in a jiffy was an annoying work day. Customers were annoying and I was annoyed so a lot of things came out not so pleasantly or lovely. Caught myself that I wasn’t glorifying God in any matter by being this way but these were all glimpses of thoughts. Like I said before, a lot of distractions and mor e annoyances but by the end of the day, I wanted to lead by love; my love for God. Although every day will not be a beautiful, relaxing, receive-God’s blessings day, I knew that all that mattered at the end of the day was worshipping his name and proclaiming my love for him.

Today Day 5. A friend finally responded to my text about me asking him if he had any prayer requests which I had sent 3 days ago. Anyway he responded and also asked if I was still feeling rejuvenated by Jesus. I responded and after clicking send, I don’t know why but a wave of realization hit me. People, my brothers and sisters prayed for me; and I have yet to thank them. And thank God for the people that he has blessed me with in my life for everything…

How flawed we are to really take things for granted.

God. Thank you. Thank you for day 4 and 5 on this renewed journey and I’m sure there will be but hopefully not more day 4 and 5 where you pick me up and put me back on solid ground. But on top of that, thank you for today for having me realize how precious the people, the brothers and sisters that surround me are. The few that really know me down to my flaws and the people who still accept and embrace me through love, I don’t deserve this love in anyway or form. But God as I’ve heard in rap songs, Blessings on blessings on blessing. God you are so good and when I don’t even deserve it. I love you God. I pray for these relationships that we would continually remind each other of your joy and goodness through our own actions and that you’d be glorified in the love we share for one another. You’re so great God. I love you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

Day 3.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“They were not looking for what they wanted, or what was safe, but they were seeking the truth—and they found Him.” Aug 24, 2016 AMi QT Joanna Tzen.

God, right now, it’s all good because I don’t have any wants right now from this earth and frankly I don’t want safety because then what’s living? I am seeking truth, purpose and I found You. But what if when life is going well I start to want more and seek other things than you? Can I be humble in good circumstances to still glorify you? I pray for my heart and spirit, please, protect me. Lead me to your truths and I pray for this time, Lord thank you for loving me so much. In Jesus name. Amen

Day 2.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s now the second day after God pulled me out from deep waters (metaphorically speaking again of course) and I catch myself confused and almost shocked of how “Okay” I am.

I’m not suffocating, I’m not sad or on the verge of crying. And all these things were super real and up to my neck less than a week ago. It’s actually crazy. And I’m sharing all these lovely hopeful truths about God more because I want to share God’s goodness but if this was anyone else, I’d probably think, “This girl is bipolar.”

I’m saved. Again. Again and Again by the King of Kings and it’s hitting me now. There are so many times I’ve failed and so many things that probably should have ended with me drowning in my own hate and bitterness, but he didn’t let go of me.

My heart going from resentment/suffocation to joy and hopefulness in 3 days is just unreal. Do regular people without God go through this? In just 3 days?

God, I … Your glory in this situation is so big that I can’t comprehend it with my small mind and heart. But when I do stop, really stop to see myself when I’m alone right now… I can’t believe how secure I feel . I don’t have a job in the design industry, 23, single, broken family, still on this broken world and you, you are all that matters right now. Just yesterday after embarking on a new refreshed journey to bring you glory, I was still nervous and afraid. The world was scary to proclaim your name, but today, I honestly want every person I’ve met to know that you are so precious and selfless and limitless and so much more than anything this world says otherwise. The only thing I’m nervous for now is losing this fire for you. This focus and this strength. God I’m not perfect, but I ask desperately, won’t you provide the fire and help me provide the sacrifice. I know I can’t do it on my own, so let me not forget that it’s what you’ve done for me and not what I’ve done for you. I’m trying to not get high on your spirit so that I don’t fall hard but I’m praying, help my weak flesh and my willing spirit to love you always. Thank you for being so big, so awesome, so beautiful and creative and so loving towards such imperfect, failing beings. Thank you for redeeming us and thank you for saving us again and again. I love you. In Jesus name. Amen.

–

Yea. So I definitely needed to just pray it out. Less of me thinking to myself and more of me talking to Him. I’m probably gonna spend more time in worship but last thing.
I was really rejoicing today. Although I don’t have my circumstance fixed and “all better”, I have hope and wanted to say that it was really just all of God’s amazing Grace and unfailing love. I don’t have perfect pitch and I don’t have … guitar talent/strumming skills but I love expressing the love and truth that comes with God. Working on that #courage.

This is Amazing Grace (Cover)

Sunday 8.21.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

“I didn’t want to come today.
But I did, For Ally, to not bail.
God I am yours & you are mine
I am your child.
You asked me “How can I help you?”
I’m asking Lord to give me..
something to be passionate for.
This world is too sad for me.
I’m stuck in the dark now,
would your spirit bring me truth?”

–

I wrote this in my journal before service started, not knowing the blessings to come that day.

Backstory of what I’ve been going through. I’ve been sad for about a month now. Around the end of July, everything that I held close to me fell apart. Starting with family, I started feel resentment and bitterness towards my brother for not trying; not trying to get better, seeing the pessimistic outcome of everything, shutting down my optimism, I eventually felt no love for him. I could have cared less what would happen to him because why do I have to try when he’s not even trying or showing that he wants to get better? Next to this all my close friends that I see on a weekly basis were all physically / distance wise dispersing from me; either going to grad school in PennState, visiting dad in Japan, vacation in Cali, missions in Ohio… they were all .. so far from me. And behind it all was the question that’s been lingering for a year, “What do you want to do with your life?”

Eventually I couldn’t find peace. God existed but I couldn’t seem to access his peace while working at my dad’s retail store pricing, cashiering, through the thank-yous, have-a-nice-days; I was suffocating. And I fell into a existential crisis spiral. Whats the point? What’s the point of working hard to build a career and hoping for a future when I could die at any point and all the hard work will die with me.

Temporarily I felt better, when I was with friends, when I was hanging out with my brother and sister at Dave and Busters, doing the leisurely things. I sought after fearlessness in God’s love and tried to like as if I would die tomorrow. It helped a little to get my work produced. I even took on the title “artist” over “fashion designer” because I felt so boxed in the idea of who a fashion designer is. But all in all, I didn’t feel like myself. A part of me died and it was the hopeful part of me; the optimist, open-minded, 2nd chance giving, everyone-loving part. I felt like a negative black aura ball of annoying bitterness and sadness and didn’t know if I could ever get back to this old me. Looking at old picture of me smiling made me sad inside that this girl was no longer with me. (I know that sounds dramatic but it’s genuinely how I felt.)

Then it was Sunday. John 6:12. Feeding of 5 thousand, Walking on Water, Immediate Desperation. 3 things struck in from Paster Joe’s message.

Are you after his providence? Or Him?
I am, is here.
Believe in Jesus.

I realized my sadness came from searching for more. There was a day during my moping when I told God, God, I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied of this world. And this came from my previous desire to want to experience the world, adventure, travel, breathe in what it means to be alive and risk dangers, work hard, hit success etc etc.
My flaw was this. I stopped holding God’s hand through it all. I stopped depending on his spirit and tried flying on my own with God on a leash. God if I fall, you’ll catch me. If things get hard while trying to do this, you’re going to give me your strength right? I stopped living for God and tried living for myself with God as a safety. SMH at myself.

“Jesus where were you? We want more food!”
“Do not look for food that will spoil, look for food that endures eternal life.”
“What are we supposed to do? how do we get what we are looking for?”
“Believe in Jesus. If we go looking for jewels in Jesus’s hands, we will ALWAYS BE UNSATISFIED. What we need to do is want JESUS.” – Paster Joe.

John 6:29 The work of God is this: to BELIEVE in the one he has sent.” 

–

God. I learned today that you should lead. Lead me to your glory. You are not part of my story, I am part of yours. I tried, on my own & with you to think of how to be successful, to seek happiness and I found none. No hope for my future. “Do you know your future?” Whether life goes well or unfortunately, Will you constantly provide for your will to be done. For your glory to shine and all I want to be is a part of your kingdom.
So God, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what’d best for me. I don’t know what path I’ll choose to be satisfied. But God, serving you, to be near you, to be with you a the end of this tunnel, that will satisfy my soul. Not what you give. Not what you do. not what you fill me with. God, I seek you. I seek your son Jesus, and his heart in all this that I most likely won’t comprehend.
Remind me to never let go of your hand, remind me to seek your presence in all I do for you. Remind me that you love me in such a remarkable way. Remind me of your cross and remind me that you are here. Lead me. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen. 

–

After service, I found myself breathing easy again. I escaped to have a personal retreat away from friends and family and read Crazy Love (given to me as a bday gift from Ally lol “it all circles around”) by Francis Chan and it was amazing. I feel hopeful again. I feel like I have purpose again and relayed (for like the 5th time) a new foundation to what I want to pursue.

My Passion? : To love God First, seek his glory and eternity, to encourage and share God’s glory. To act on God’s words, not mine.

I know that these are all words until it’s actually done and it’s not like I’m better over night. I’m currently fasting, and praying for a desire for Jesus again. And I have.. SO MUCH to work on like humility and patience, but I have hope. Praise Jesus.

 

Status Update. 7.30.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This past two weeks have been super difficult for me.

A lot has happened with my family, my brother and our relationship hit the biggest bump.  I won’t say much but there was a moment when I felt no love for him. Why am I trying so hard to motivate this kid who doesn’t want to do anything but be lazy?

All my friends that I saw almost every week face to face weren’t with me anymore. My homegirl BFF went to Japan for her dad, my buffalo wild wings buddy started grad school in Penn State, and my closest church friends were all absent this particular week.

And before all of this I was contemplating my career, why couldn’t I get myself to pursue this industry?

 

It’s been difficult, lonely, and felt a lot of hopelessness but going into this state of sadness, I knew I was a different person than I was last time I had a minor depression with a few minor anxiety attacks. I was secured with my faith in God.

Reading JOB helped me a lot to see that my problems weren’t that extreme and was inspiring to see how Job did spend time in grief in his circumstances but how he never cursed God’s name. If anything, I felt that he spoke to him more. And also seeing how his friends kept company to encourage him… made me realize more that I’m not alone.

Reaching out to people, especially when they’re not physcially visually near me is difficult and 2 years ago, I didn’t know who and how to reach out to people. But courage struck me and I knew I needed prayer and lucky, I didn’t stay quiet to the people (who I think) care for me and it’s been so rewarding and filling to know my friends were here to listen and root for me.

More and more, as the days goes by being a post grad adult, I’ve come to see how much of myself I’ve comprised to love fashion and the industry and who I was, wanted to become, my title. I lost myself in trying to become what I thought people wanted to see. On Facebook, on instagram, on being a fashion designer, I forced images and characteristics on me and took a hit on who I truly was. I am a beautiful daughter of God, and I am me. My prayer is for me to be true to who I am, what I love and to stop chasing what the world calls success.

 

God, everything is still blurry but the thing that is clear is your truth. You have been so patient with me and thank you for always pulling me into your hopeful embrace. Lord Let me not lose sight of my heart in this world and let me have hope again to move forward in this difficult world. Lead me to my cross and let me declare you King of my heart. In Jesus name. Amen

07.11.16

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

God, a prayer for myself is that, fear wouldn’t hold me back. That I wouldn’t hold me back. That I wouldn’t sell myself short and that I would seek for more than what is content. Lord, I confess, life is pretty “chill” right now and everything is mostly good and I seemed to be satisfied but God, I’m reminded time and time again that this isn’t it for me. You have more planned and there are so many areas of my life that you want to fill. So help me with this truth God, help me to get up on my feet to move and seek more of you in the things I do and the places I go. Come fill me with courage and focused patience. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Forgivness

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(Real quick . Because I felted convicted to further expand on this feeling but I need to sleep really soon .. Currently 3:30) 

Pre story- I checked Facebook and saw I only had 6 people write Happy Birthday on my wall and the first one was 5-7 off 12am.. And yea it’s stupid, because I was spending my 12am w my friends that I love talking and laughing and such a childish thing to care about for someone to tell HAPPY BIRTHDAYS right at 12..

Fast forward . I was checking snapchat and a friend had snapped me. This friend was one of my closer, special, close to my heart friend that drifted away from my grasps because of my bitterness to an incident and I couldn’t get myself to invite her to my birthday party because I just wasn’t ready yet. This friend sent me a Happy Birthday recording and my heart basically melted. I remember 2 weeks back rethinking the invite list and debating whether or not to invite her, and I just couldn’t… And I prayed to God. God, see this one through with me, I can’t do this alone, help my heart. We haven’t talked in about a year and a half and a part of me was happy that what I felt was an unhealthy relationship was over. But she sent me a Happy Birthday and a breath of relief came over me. Forgive already will you? 

It’s not that I’m going to be besties with her again but it did show me, forgiveness is in people because of God. And sure maybe we will be friends again and meet up and who know where it’ll go, but she wished me happy birthday and it’s a start. God is all things good and I’m so amazed at the speed he moves. 

May 9. 2016

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

There’s a part of me that wants to cry out to friends and I think it’s the human nature in us to reach out to the people around you when you are in need of help or in pain. When did emotion become so uncool?

If I had the freedom to post whatever I want onto Facebook, I would post, “Please pray for my brother and my mother.” But then I start thinking about what others might think of me, “Wow, she’s so emotional. Happy one moment and sad the next, whats wrong with her.” It’s sad actually to believe that the value of your thoughts are weighted by the amount of likes you get.

But God reassures me that he put the people around me to call for help… so I post in faith that someone will read and lift up a prayer because the truth is that we’re actually really broken. And the world seems to tell us to reveal and show only our good side. Other information can deter who you are and why you are and leads to judgement.

I always do wonder… should our images reflect the way our hearts speak? Like what if we had really wonderful/ influential thoughts and powerful messages to say, but are blinded by the appearance… that our appearance distracts their eyes, that they are blinded to see me because of their sinful nature. Then shouldn’t for the sake of getting the message across, we try to appeal others physcially. Not that it should be the main focus or that our bodily appearances define who we are but to help reinforce the words we say or the things we feel to get the message across. Anyway off topic.

God, just please be with my brother, my mother, help him to find inspiration. Help me to find inspiration. That I would chase after something I’m passionate about and something that you think I should do. I guess I’m not so good at listening to what you have to say, but I feel like the ultimate answer every time comes back to fashion design and entering. So I guess the fights just with me. Help me to overcome my own fears, my own doubts, that I’m worth it, that I can do it and that I have the power and your power to be able to do it. God watch over my family, watch over my words, my mind, my mouth, and allow me to find peace with myself through you once again. In Jesus name Amen. 

Status Update. Annoyed

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So after Lent ended, I basically stopped QT-ing and spending my morning with the Lord. It used to be a must-do but what happened? To be honest I’m not sure. Life has been very busy I must say but I guess not too busy for God but, maybe the better word is distracting. I actually haven’t posted in so long either and recently today a sister came up to me about how she read my blog… idk how and where it came up but I guess it did. But to be honest, I’m writing right now because a part of me feels empty. A part of me wonders if my friends value our friendship as much as I do. Maybe I’m too quick to jump into them?

The first thought reflecting is, have I done it again? Have I placed my friends so close to my heart that I replaced God time with friend time? As in, have I stopped going to God for comfort, joy, and peace and only relied on receiving those things from my friends? I keep telling myself that God is with me through my friends, through the blessing moments we share together but the mistake is that I stopped going directly to him for that comfort.

The things I tell myself when I feel ignored is that I’m too clingy and my friends just want a break from me. That I am too much. But the awesome part is that God tells me that I’m not too much for him. That he wishes I was clingy for him, that I’d put as much heart and effort into my relationship with him as I am with my friends.

So I guess the best thing to do here when the world seems to not be going so smoothly is … repent for digging my own grave basically and to seek for his presence.

God. Hi It’s been too long. I’m sorry. What happened to the day-by-day meets? I think it got slowly replaced by me leaning on the people you’ve put in my life… I’m sorry. Life is pretty limbo, not depressing limbo but also not a good limbo so God, I pray that you can help me re-prioritize my life. That in these decisions, I wouldn’t “settle” for what’s easiest but really climb a mountain knowing that the end results will have bigger views. I’ve lost sight of your truth once again but I’m glad I’m not discouraged and willing to fight for the best. So because I know my spirit is willing but flesh is weak, I will ask again, like I did before and probably like I will in the future… help me to desire you, desire your truth, to be filled by it and not things that surround me. Lord, You are the ultimate source, let me not replace you by the things you give to me but go straight to your light. I’m amazed I’m not as nervous and that I have more peace and strength that you will conquer this confliction and glory be to you for that. Protect me, protect my family, and please send more hugs my way. In Jesus name, Amen.