The Great and Terrible. 2016.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I want to reflect back this year because 2016 was quite wonderful and quite terrible.

Important Highlights

  • Finding to love one another with my mom (if I look back, I had despisal moments towards my mom)
  • Springtime findings of freedom in God rather than limitations.
  • LOTS AND LOTS OF SELF EXAMINATION (what kind of adult do I want to be questions)
  • Awesome 23 birthday party
  • Summer Depression/lack of will to be motivated about adulthood
  • Finding hope and God’s will from “Crazy Love” from that summer depression
  • A FASHION INDUSTRY JOB.
  • December reflections on self building and motivations to conquer and build.

There was definitely a lot a lot more but these are all the things on the top of my head and I feel like it was such an impactful year of finding myself and I can say that I’m done chasing people. I found what unhealthy for me because of who I am. I found peace in the fact that I’m different in the way I think and approach life than most people. I found that I am an artist and I need to stop thinking that something is wrong with me for not being like everyone else.

It was tough and lot of grinding of my heart and soul but all in all. It was a beautiful year in which I felt that I grew so much within 365 days but I’m ready for it to be over and conquer 2017 YEAR OF THE ROOSTER WHOOOO! A lot of good things will happen.

*****

I can think of a lot of things I’ve done but I can also think of things I didn’t do (all the unproductive hours of nothingness and waste). 

2017 will be a year of Do’s.

 

God, I just want to thank you for this year. Glory to your name because I really don’t think this sensation of hope and motivation and productivity… being unafraid of being an adult. You really redefined me this year and I can’t wait for the year of producing and bringing out the best of you in me. You are so good and real quick. I pray for my grandma who fell today. I hope that she is well, will recover and that you’d watch over, bless the people working on her, her head and this situation. I pray for your glory to grow even bigger 2017 and you’d protect my family. please. I pray for an encouraging love 2017 and a powerful motivation to conquer with you leading me and for me to be your humble. powerful. servant in your name. I love you God. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Prayer Attempt.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

(Foreward: This is my attempt in a few weeks to actually spend time with God and I have to admit a bit slow but gotta attempt the try… so I just started with talking to him.)

God there isn’t any particular hardships I’m going through. Everything is just the same.

Mom’s still has her wave lengths of conflicts.
My brother seems fine but I’m cautious.
Career is a constant question.
I know you are guiding my voyage.
I cleaned out my “friend’s list”.
I feel anew but still me.

But I guess what better time to pray for your glory to move and to change…?…

(do I want change from this? have I become immune to this mediocre life?)
I just go desperate.

God. First and foremost, thank you for this day. For filling it with air and laughter, for providing once more with food and love for friends and family. I guess I forget everyday what it means to have something… anything. Secondly, I pray for hmmm… my family I guess. To get better and I guess for me to stop guessing haha. I think I kept becoming disappointed in high hopes that now it’s down to a simmer; like a low flame that on just to keep it warm but never to boil because then the water would run out to fast and would have to refill with more and then wait a longer time to start boiling again. I guess this long metaphor just comes down to my exhaustion with being on fire with you. I feel you God, your presence but they’re not flames that touch the sky but a low heat. Does it mean I’m in “ready position”, conserving energy for when you call, or just lazy and tired and doubtful? I am tired but not doubtful so maybe conserving energy? LOL I don’t know, only you know. Whatever this is, protect my wandering heart. In Jesus name. Amen 

 

Month of Work Life Reflection.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I’ll go straight into it; the first week was amazing. God had shown so SO much GRACE… with such little things like someone giving me their cough drops from Canada or someone else holding an umbrella under my head while searching for my car keys after the drop off at the bus stop. Work itself was incredibly marvelous with one being so close and intimate like an apprenticeship for a small luxury business and the other walking around all day searching for fabrics (keeping me on my feet and not looking at numbers all day). He’s been… so good. And for once my parents (and friends) so proud to see me out and bout into the industry, using my degree, going to NYC 5 days a week, even I felt “settled” and “safe” or “getting my adult life going”.

But I can’t lie, there were moments sitting there thinking why am I not out there creating? Getting a steady income is great and all but I was once told “money will come, there are a million being made right now in a warehouse somewhere”. I say this with all financial reality in mind such as providing for a family, taxes, rent, etc. When I say I want to be an artist, I wish people didn’t have a stereotypical view on that career; lazy, hippy-like, avoiding responsibilities… and I think I’m afraid to tell people what I really want to be.

I never imagined myself working under someone after college, even in high school. I think some people are just born and raised to think about getting a degree to get a job to provide for yourself and family to inspire your children about the same cycle WHICH is not a bad thing. But when I looked at my life 10 years from middle school AND high school AND college, I saw myself creating. (I can just hear all the 50 year old parents shaking their heads reading this saying “pfftt. millennials”).

I don’t say this with a light heart, I want to become an artist. It’s not that I don’t want to do nothing or work hard, live the easy life… I just want to create. Maybe it’s the child in me that doesn’t want to escape but there has to be more to life than just one career and one direction to success.

God. I haven’t prayed to you in a while or sung to you or thought about you (more like ignore you) but I’ve discovered adult-ish things like building a reputation and self presentation and you’ve probably done your best to not let it consume me. But God, you know my heart more than I know it, all I want is to strive for happiness with all the dirt that comes with living life. So I pray would you surround me with people who can build up this hope/this dream that others might call childish and would you help me strive after you? Are my dreams part of your will? or are they something that I’ve just conjured up myself for my satisfaction? Does your will involve me in something I detest? I feel like I’m talking to the sorting hat in Harry Potter when Harry tries to convince the hat to put him in Gyriffindor. God I guess in the same why I’m asking to really be placed in somewhere I can creatively thrive. Please.
Thank You for today and Happy Belated Birthday Jesus. Thanks for indescribably everything. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.  

Prayer for the Fam.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

This is a bit more personal but I wanted to type it out because I want to remember and record that I prayed for my family for myself. So sorry if the next few posts are just prayers.


God. I pray for my Mom. And our relationship. She thinks her way and I think my way and we collide every time. Can you put a heart of understanding and patience, gentleness in both our hearts. Let us be humble, cover our pride with love over and over. And I pray for a release of bitterness and self-righteousness in our hearts. I also pray over my brother, that you’d be with him today and bless his day at school, his interactions, with his friends, with questions about life. I pray that you’d give Him hope through lots of laughs but also the strenght to confront and work on his conflicting problems. I pray for his therapist, that she’d lead him to the right direction and maybe even that you’d speak through her.

Please be with us today, tomorrow, and the day after, like you have the days before today. In Jesus name. Amen. 

QT time.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I don’t think I’ve done QT in a while. A LONG WHILE. (apologies Jesus)

But this past Sunday, I was overwhelmed during worship by the fact that this love and freedom that I felt from all of God’s grace may not be experienced by my family. My heart was so broken for them, for the people who wouldn’t understand the peace that comes from Jesus, and I found myself desperate to pray.

So I read John 1 and wow, I felt so much nostalgia of actually reading this holy sacred word and also felt so much intimacy just knowing that it’s truth and that I’m indulging in it.

But the time I spend there on thinkgrapefruit will most likely be the progress of my journey. I feel that a lot of the foundations have been revealed and as of now, it feels like it’s application time. And yea yea I know. There always something new that God will reveal and that my foundations can always be revisited and refined but I’m at a place where His truth is truth and doubt only comes in places where I have no control over for example my family finding Christ.

Prayer Request.

  1. I really really really want to pray a lot. For my family and for my friends, for people who I haven’t met yet and people/places to come. Like not only for myself but love them through prayer.
  2. I want to be accountable with my time. I think I’m going to start writing down the time I spend in the day, carry around a notepad for it and just see how much I’m spending on, working, eating, QT, family stuff, etc.

Future Anxieties. JOOYUH

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So currently it’s October. mid-October. 23 years old. Year and 5 months after graduating college. Working on my brother’s cosplay costume for halloween. huh…

If I put it this way, it makes me really think about myself with others and where they are, what they’re doing, and it really gets you thinking. What am I doing. What have I done?

And after contemplating on that thought, I’m sure like everyone else, anxiety hits and you’re thinking about a million things you did NOT do and thoughts of failure starts to creep in.

BUT through the grace of God, I’m able to breathe easy and find peace from all these questions knowing that He is the “man with the plan” and thankfully, the man with the plan loves me. *sigh*

I really started typing with the idea of writing about what I was thinking about, my anxieties, but right now I just want to share how good God is. In this exact moment, God says, “It’s okay” and that’s really all I need. He’s really all I need. Whoa.

God. It’s again so incredible to be at this place where my complaining self shuts off and I’m able to find so much peace knowing you are real. My future is quite jumbled to try and see what I’m going to pursue in my career, my life, with people but one thing I know for sure is that I will try to pursue you… with all the crap that I carry, I’m gonna try my hardest to pursue you and your kingdom. So help me God. Help me when I can’t find faith and strenght to follow you, to bring me back to you always. Lead me to my cross and help me in all the places I lack so that I can be disciplined to your kingdom. I love you God. In Jesus name, Amen.

“With me at the Dark.”

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

It’s silly, but I had a nightmare last night.
And it wasn’t anything horrific or gory like an unconscious haunted mansion, it was my relationships within my church community.

I would say I love people, too much to the point where I put my faith in them, list them down all as friends which ends up with me stupidly getting hurt and I’ve been dealing with not doing that a lot better but things have been happening lately that made me re-question if I was a “liked” member of the community.

So without extending it too long, in my dream, I ran into a group of my close brothers and sisters at a BBQ, and my reaction emotions split into 8 different people of uninvited me. There was a girl crying about how she thought they were their friends, another who didn’t care, a girl who was quietly bitter, a boy that was willing to join them when they recalled, and several others. And I, myself was anger; I woke up wanting to punch something with my fists.

Now I understand that dreams are sometimes dreams but I cried. Because I realized how weak my heart still was for the acceptance of others and maybe it’s even not being able to trust my community because at this more conscious state, I’m able to say that this is all partially true.

But the beauty of God was when I called him in my time of my a little unconscious, dream manifested, crying hurt self, he said, “You are always invited with me.” And how can you not cry to his grace. So I cried some more but with joy that one, God’s love and acceptance is all I really need and two, that I again found so much security in his name and word.

God, maybe I am in a weaker state then I thought I was. I thought I was revamped, high with hope, pushing courage through the worst but lately I’ve been exhausted and maybe because I haven’t been spending time with you. “Just maybe” lol. But… Thank You for loving me so much, wanting to invite me by sending your son Jesus. I don’t know why I keep falling down so easily, wait no I do know haha because I’m weak but I keep falling down but so graciously you pull me back up to my feet and you carry me through big and little storms such as this and keep me so close to your heart refilling me to make me whole over and over again. Thank you for just being you in all that you are and beyond all I could imagine. I love you. Very very very matcha 🙂 In Jesus name, Amen. 

 

 

Insecuriti..JESUS!

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

You know when you’re exhausted and you know you should sleep but can’t sleep because those darn existential thoughts and you know you shouldn’t care about certain things but you do because moods.

That was me. 1 minute before typing this post. 

But you know what was me 30 seconds before this post. At complete peace.

Confused? I’m sorry. Let me re-explain.

I was just exhausted from a long day. From a long week. From a long month. And it’s the kind of exhaustion that makes you cry and then makes you stop to think, “wait why am I crying, I’m strong. I’ve been strong this whole month.”

And right as I was about to sleep after washing up, turning the lights off… A million insecurity-like thoughts spilled in. But as soon as they rushed in, so did Jesus. A friend recently shared how a Pastor worded peace at her recent retreat. Peace isn’t the absence of complications, it’s the presence of Jesus. And it’s exactly what happened. God’s grace swooped Jesus’ peace over me and I no longer cared about who thought of me as what. All that mattered was that I was his loved child and that was it.

God. Thank You for coming to my rescue. I find it so surprising how I’ve changed to find how much security and peace I find in your name. And I’m sorry to boast but God you’ve changed me and so much of your glory is present in that. I love you so much God and you the best. Thank you for all that you are. Thank You for your presence. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Father’s Heart.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I felt like I felt a bit of “Father’s Love” today. (*understatement after writing all this. then again how much of an understatement that other statement when Father’s Love is imcomprendably big… *poof mind blown*)

Our God is a God who loves, who asks for nothing in return other than our love for him, our faith in him and even with that we fail.

Today my dad and I talked finances and let me just say, I’ve been “privileged”. And I’m not sure if I can say blessed yet because my family isn’t christian and we don’t thank God for provision or pray before we eat… things like that. Anyway, I grew up getting most things what I want and in a very asian culture, family is family for life kinda way. My dad sent me through college and I won’t say the exact amount but let just say it was in NYC so that usually should sum the general amount. And it was agreed before I started college that I’d pay off half and even that is a BIG thank you. But today I talked with my dad about life and money and how much I had really spent with living expenses and I spoke to him about paying him back… and all he said to me was that he doesn’t expect me to pay him back. I’ve talked to him about this before and he said things like, “you’re my daughter, of course” or “it’s because I love you” but it never really had strike me until today; the relation of a Father’s heart.

Immediately a motivation to work hard and pay him off by surprise passed me knowing that the amount that was agreed to be paid off wouldn’t even make up for the life my dad’s given me throughout my 23 years. His hard work, sweat, and working everyday, even Sundays and holidays to give a life for his family… he ONLY TOOK NEW YEARS DAY OFF!… all to give his family a living…

In the same way, God doesn’t ask for anything in return. I don’t even think he asks for us to love him… (okay I’m sure he does somewhere in the bible) but he doesn’t really push it in our faces like, “why don’t you love me?! I did this this this this… ” and only when we need him to say it to remind us but only for our hearts and for us to know what he’d done for us. -sigh- He’s just loving us. Period. without expecting anything in return. That love, is so.. so.. soooo precious. I’ve fallen countless numbers of times, even when I was unaware of his blessings, I’ve just been taking good things … like I deserved them, like that gold sticker we get for sitting down to eat and listening well to the teachers… behaving! LOL MILLENNIALS.

God, first off.. just Thank you. on behalf of my family if thats possible for providing. For the store and the food in the refrigerator, THE REFRIGERATOR. I don’t think me, my sister, my brother, my parents stop enough to take a moment to think that although we are not well off, we are well off. “Everyday is thanksgiving.” I re-get that today. Thank you for my family, for the love that’s poured into it already beyond the brokenness… I don’t know what to say but I know what to do and it’s to just glorify your name in it all. And ya, people who don’t believe in you may say that is foolish, that my dad earned the money through his own heart, sweat, and hardwork, but there’s no way. There are so many people who put their heart, sweat, and hardwork into the things they love to have it fall. So thank you God for being present even when not all of us see you…
And second, thank you for your cross lord. Thank you for allowing me to rejoice with you in the fact that I can talk to you and feel you loving me and have me love you back. I’m so blind. So many times, yesterday, today, weeks ago, and sadly, most-likely, weeks to come… BUT *lol* you still love me, this defected human heart not even functional to do what’s it’s functioned to do which is to believe in you, your love, pour it upon each other, and back to you…

I’m sorry that I can’t be enough… 

and you still love, love faulty me, love the orphans that have yet to call you Abba.. 

I can’t grasp all of you, all of your love but I pray that you’d open my heart to seriously get most of it. I just am at a lost for words. YOU ARE GOOD. and I, through the many brokenness around me, have faith that your kingdom will come. Lord, let me never stop saying Thank you. You are really all I need so let me always come back to you, to this, to prayer, to talking with you. PRINCE OF PEACE. I love you. I pray all these things in your son’s awesome mighty lovely name, Amen. 

God’s version of Love.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

Jesus knows that happy circumstances, safety, and pleasure bring only fleeting joy.  Eternal joy and eternal life cannot be found in such things. -AMI QT

I’m being questioned time and time again on God’s love; that it’s not the love we’re used to seeing surrounded by romantic dramas. I just want to proclaim my whole hearted love for him not because he can bring me blessings and good things, because it clearly states that following Jesus isn’t a easy path. I find myself sometimes thinking that my future is secure and happy if I love God but forget that it’s only through Jesus that it’s so. It’s going to be hard and difficult fighting against what the world says is beautiful, successful, or right. But through God, with him, I can rejoice in his joy.

God. I want to love you, not because of what I think you’ll give me or because I think you’ll love me in a way that’s my version of love. I want to love you and follow you because you are king and that’s the truth. Because you sent your son to die for my sins, so that I can have eternally life with you through all my flaws and because I want to build your kingdom. My heart breaks when I forget this truth, and I’m sure yours does too. Help me not to forget. Help me to live and breath your word, in your truth, love, and freedom. I love you God. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.