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Here I am God.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

God,

This world is truly filled with so many wonders and excitements. Just today my friend bought a lottery ticker for the power ball 700 million dollars! I’ve been caught up in working and thinking to advance my career, how I can become bigger and yet I’ve seem to have yet again forgotten where I stand with you.

I guess I’m feeling overwhelmed by the fact that how I’m doing is not the best of how things could be going and I just want to remind myself of how much you love someone little and insignificant as me; that this world is so temporary after death and that you fill me with wonders everyday so willingly.

God really do pull me closer to you. Let me one day feel that everything I do isn’t foreign from you and that every phase in my life, whether I’m reflecting or just enjoying the day, in those little moments let me remember the heart you’ve given me and the sacrifice that was taken so that I may find peace with you.

I want 2016 to be filled with not only prayer but conversations with you so God I lift up this year to you, to be spent searching for quality time with you not expecting anything but your company. God help my heart run after you.

In Jesus name, Amen.

John 20 ‘Peace be with you’

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Goooood Morning Jesus! (currently listening to ‘Pieces’ by Amanda Cook)

First thing Jesus says to his disciples is, “Peace be with you.” (v. 19 and v. 26)

It’s been a while since I’ve had a morning to myself to spend unrestricted time with him (mainly because I’m not working today and it’s not crucial for me to get anywhere). This morning, is such a good morning because I’m able to go to him first. Okay, honestly, second because I got distracted by my new iPhone this morning. But still being able to give him time this early feels good.

After reading this passage, I can hear God clearly say, “peace be with you,” this morning and every morning, and to start the day with peace… from all the ‘today’ that’s coming forth… is a great feeling.

Father God thank you for this beautiful morning where I’m able to find peace in you before I start my day. God I pray that today would be productive and that also you would heal my brother’s ankle and watch over it so that everything would go well. I love you God. Your joy gives me so much joy so I pray I keep seeking to satisfy your soul and do righteous things or even just rest in you to have you smile and call it good. In Jesus name, Amen.

John 19 / Life

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I always get heavy hearted and teary while reading about Jesus’s Crucifixion. Sad fact though, I did not know they had three versions of Jesus’s death on Luke, John, and Matthew. Comes to show how little I know about the bible and how much I have yet to learn.

So I finished reading my book on style and I feel no different really. Maybe a little more energized to pursue things in life but with what purpose? I end up spiraling in questions (which is a good thing at times) about my intentions for investing my time into things like uploading a post or starting a project.

Recently I’ve been thinking about creating a blog, more than just think.grapefruit where I journal where I can share the things I do the work I enjoy doing but downside, it’ll eat up my time for doing the ‘important stuff’ like doing my QT or finding a job in fashion.

“There is no right way,” I told myself; for almost everything like reaching success and entering a career in the industry. But I’m sure with God, there is a righteous way where it would honor him rather than following my own signals to pursue a career thats only temporary.

My dad’s uncle on my grandmother’s side recently passed away. There he was laying in his coffin neatly placed, resting before me an empty vessel, leaving the world behind. So when I think of doing things, I always think… will this thing I do be seen in God’s eyes?

In the end and the answer I’m trying to avoid is, am I doing this for me or for other people or for God? And it’s a tricky answer because how is writing a blog (not on daily devotionals) for God? and it leads to questions like “Does everything in my life have to be devoted to God?”

I’m working now, at my dad’s newly opened store basically assistant manager taking care of the store, cashiering, moving clothes around, and a bunch of other small tasks, reporting big new back to my dad when he comes back from other errands. Now I have a paycheck coming in which I really didn’t think about because after paying for my tuition, it’s okay dad, you REALLY don’t have to but he does to show that work pays off. So now I have a weekly salary and I’ve been using it up like daddy’s little gold digger. Surprisingly today I was driving home and thought, does this mean I have to start putting money in the offering box on Sundays? But I’m still poor recent graduate without a steady income not really at my real job. Then the thought of Jesus’s Crucifixion came up, how he didn’t sacrifice an arm or leg for us but his whole self; how the poor (samaritans?) gave up everything yet the tax collector who had so much to spare gave up so sparingly. There my answer was pretty clear.

And going back to devoting everything in my life to God, I don’t think its an extreme case of making sure the water was approved before drinking it by God but knowing the foundations for the reasons I do things.

God didn’t create a blob like the million other blobs that live around me; he created a unique individual soul with gifts and talents that would glorify God and he loved it through all the mistakes he knew he or she was going to make. I am different than my brothers and sisters and I love dancing, illustrating, singing (not so well I’m told), designing, thinking, believing, trying new things and I think it’s something to celebrate because God put all those things in me to make up who I am. I’m still not sure how people can so confidently post on fb about God’s love for them on a picture that doesn’t reference the writing that goes with it and get a jillion likes but I I’m starting to think it all comes from the heart of loving who you are, that is, God’s most precious, loved child.

And yes, there are still times that God’s love amazes me to the point of doubting this perfect love all together, but in the end I’d rather look like a fool that found freedom from fear and worries than following what the world says is ‘cool’.

God, there’s never a day like today, right now, to worship you and to love you. No matter what situation and circumstance, whether I’m doing nothing or if I’m traveling to Italy on vacation, let me always think of you and all that you’ve done for me. My life is literally not my own, I don’t call the shots because I’m better off not calling the shots. God help me to be courageous in the things I do, the words I say, let me be wise but still true to myself in the way I speak and move so that I may not lose myself. God, this blog thing is all really tricky in my head but Lord I love all parts of me that want to express in a shape, form, moment, 2D, 3D and I want to be doing that in a way that still honors you. Help me to always give thanks for the mercy, grace and blessings you provide each day. Make me into a more thankful person and be able to smile at the gifts you’ve provided. And so, Lord I thank you for my family that supports me and for providing me with them and providing them with finances and joy. I thank you for this precious time where I’m able to elaborate my thoughts deeper with you and where I’m able to reconnect with my one Savior, my one place of freedom. Help me to refine myself and I pray for more of your heart in me. Thank you for the cross God, thank you for your word and always remind me of the love you give so freely. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Barnes & Nobles Trip

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I was driving home back from NY Sunday night and my arrival time to home was 4:55pm, and I really thought I could make it but I couldn’t hold in my pee any longer and I had to stop somewhere. I stopped at a Barnes & Nobles and after I “relieved” myself, I became really attracted to the sign ‘Art’ and all the colorful books under it. So I unconsciously started walking around as if I had planned to come (and it wasn’t because I was planning on going home and painting for the first time in forever). I began to indulge myself in Art and my desires, my foundation for my career choice, and tried to find inspiration in what to paint. I looked to the right of the shelf and surprise, surprise, Fashion Books. My heart sank and started to feel the little voice in my head guilting me of all the time and money spent the past four year to not have yet obtained a job in design. As I further looked into the Art books in my hand I started to feel sad. I felt somehow caged and obliged to pursue fashion for the rest of myself, as if I had signed my life away in blood to this industry, and sad because I had lost touch with what I loved the most which was creating in whatever freedom that my heart desired without searching for the approval (and grade) from others. I sat and journaled as I read away on Impressionism and Modern Art as well as Starting a career in fashion and other things to get my mind pumping.

After much alone time sitting and reflecting on the floor as people walked by, I came to a conclusion: I lack clarity in my style of living and in my voice of who I am. Introverted me would have chosen fine arts but I re-found the sense of challenge in fashion design, as I did my sophomore yr in college struggling through a foreign land beyond paints, pencils, and brushing into a world of fabrics, sewing, and concept development all contained in a well thought presentation with a personal aesthetic.

So I bought I book (that I have yet to read from work and all) about style, finding out who you are, how to love yourself and it sounds cheesy but I don’t love myself enough. I don’t have as much confident in the gray areas of my life and I really want to make all parts of me to good use.

Now the reason I’m writing all this is because finding myself is tricky land. It comes with a lot of “how you present yourself” and sets back on the thought of how God loves you rather than how people love you. So I really want for this journey of discovering my aesthetic with God together. I know that God loves me and finds me already worthy despite all my shame, and I don’t want this “loving myself” to come from other things that I surround myself with because I treat myself nice. I need to always come back to the ‘OG’ love that God is and remind myself that I can love myself the way I do because God can source me with that powerful love.

So if you are reading this right now, I would appreciate a little prayer over this phase that may or may not change me while I discover myself and how to make good use of my time (hopefully glorifying God and not me) but also motivating myself to get on with life already and stop being lazy because God loves me. I have the gifts, I just need the character and opportunity to use them and sitting home all day on Netflix won’t do anything so here I go.

Father God, I find myself on stammering waters where things are started to fog up but God help me to focus on your voice. Let me hear not from the books or from myself but from you. I’m sorry if I offend you by desiring more from myself but I hope you would reveal the truth of this matter. To be not of this world yet be the best I can be while I’m here (for you). In Jesus name. Amen

John 8

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

DL's avatarECHO FAMILY GROUP QUIET TIMES

Dang. Jesus is being recklessly questioned and in the end, the people in the temple ends up throwing stones at him. WHAT?!

One verse that stood out to me was John 8:47 “Whoever is of God hears the words of God. The reason why you do not hear them is that you are not of God.”

On a side note, I specifically prayed last Monday to have more devotion to God and to spend more genuine time with Him, and that’s exactly what I didn’t do. So right now as I right this, I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to work because my dad said to come as soon as possible but, if I wait, I don’t know when I’m going to come back to Him so I told myself, “right now.” QT’s are for me and it definitely shows that serving doesn’t and shouldn’t measure my…

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Malachi 1

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

DL's avatarECHO FAMILY GROUP QUIET TIMES

7By offering polluted food upon my altar. But you say, ‘How have we polluted you?’ By saying that the Lord’s table may be despised. 8When you offer blind animals in sacrifice, is that not evil? And when you offer those that are lame or sick, is that not evil? Present that to your governor; will he accept you or show you favor? says the Lord of hosts. 

Here reading this, it makes me think of all the times I told myself, “it’s to glorify God,” and rethink if it was tainted to ask for more favor towards me. It comes down to the true source of being fueled by God’s Love, His Perfect love that started with Him and not us. I pray for my brothers and sisters and remind them, being Christian isn’t for God, we don’t really have the right to say, “God, how can…

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Finding Approval in People.

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

I think we all do it. We have that one person we like or have ‘favor’ towards and your searching your Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat to see if they liked it or saw it, somehow when they haven’t seem to have like it yet, you feel less about yourself.

Maybe it’s just me or the people around me but I find my sister, friends, and of course myself doing it and when you start to realize a pattern in that, you start to think why? What’s wrong with me? Do you not like my humor? Do you not like me? WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME?!

We live in a world where we try to find people’s approval and it’s honestly going to get us nowhere. Why are we searching for our value and worth in a thumbs up of another person? Being Christian it’s really unhealthy to search for that source of completeness in oneself when we have a Father that calls us so precious and loves us so much with the power of a million thumbs up blasting at you every second. I pray for me and for those who struggle with this to really feel the vastness of His love 24/7, to understand that he’s always present, that our security would come from Him alone who is above all things, and we would be free from our bindings to a blue thumbs up.

‘Spirit of Compassion’ Update

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So recently I’ve been praying a lot for my heart and my mom’s heart and I knew that God would work somehow but I never thought today would come so soon.

I began to speak of my day and of course being at church, it consisted of God, and as per usual conversation, she began to bring up her doubts about my participation in church and we slowly increased into an argument. For the past week, I’ve been doing well in being a more composed daughter in an argument thinking of God’s spirit and presence. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “I feel…” argument method where one expresses not the other’s faults (“you’re an idiot”) but rather begin with “I feel…(ex. unappreciated when you say certain things). Our argument usually goes in circles beginning with my mom from the repetition of the same argument statement that leads me to frustration from repeating the same answer and feeling misunderstood. But today she listened through and I think she understands that I understand how she feels; her nervousness of how her daughter may not have certain ends knotted. By the end of the conversation, maybe she was too tired, but I explained to her once more of the ‘I feel’ method and how it can tremendously help understand one another and she said, “I don’t think you even do that,” and I responded, “I’m trying.” She replied, “okay we’ll see.” Which is a YES in my definition. “I love you mom.” “I love you too, goodnight,” she said as she walked to her bedroom. Tears began to run down my face because how present is God. I’m just overwhelmed of how God truly works and that he cares. I really was hopeless and really thought, I’m going to be 35 by the time we start to begin to understand one another yet here we are today. I know it may not always be an uphill battle for change but at least it has begun.

Father God, wow you amaze me so much. Thank you Lord for working, and always being present. God thank you for surprising me with a gift sooner than I expected. Lord I pray that I would always lean on your love and spirit when times get rough and that you would guide my heart and my mother’s heart to THE HEART, your heart and slowly but surely heal us. Father you are so great and so amazing. I love you so much and I pray for your love to continue to Manifest this house. Protect my family , protect our hearts, and let us one day be able to find rest together in your spirit. In Jesus name, Amen.

‘New York’ Me vs. ‘New Jersey’ Me

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

While I was in college I lived my freshman year and sophomore year partying, having fun, going out at night sometimes even on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and by the end of each year, my group of secular friends got boring. The same old places, doing the same things, laughing about the same stuff and I asked myself, is this it? Feeling bad about not being skinner than the friend next to me, never getting the guy, being there to go through the motions of being excited and happy for my friends? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my friends; it was my heart that was the problem.

I then was invited to church by a friend and since that day, I was able to find the greatest joy, His light. This light and freedom that God provided was like no other I was hooked and decided to go on a journey with Him. My next two years of college I spent worshipping and praying to God; praying for my family, school, friends, and receiving His love in all of it, covering over my fears and insecurities. He opened my eyes to so many things and most of all that he promised to continue opening my eyes to things as I adventured through the highs and lows of life.

I moved back into New Jersey and the hardest thing was that the Doris from HighSchool came back and not the Doris from New York. The unchanged, lazy, ungrateful Doris that had life handed to her breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a bunch of side dishes. I now spend 4 days in New York with my church community and spend 3 days in New Jersey, how is it that my New York side doesn’t over triumph my New Jersey side?

So I looked up “What does the Bible say about ‘Putting the Past Behind’. And I’m sure it’s about sin and shame but now as I’m writing, New Jersey me is sinful me and shameful me living life through the patterns of this earth.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 

I am a new creation in Christ and maybe I haven’t lived as if I had been made new because I was lacking faith that God has made me new.

It doesn’t matter whether or not my family is Christian (which they’re not) but the point being, this world is going to be filled with situations where my faith comes to test, where I must stand strong with God by my side. Whether it’d be me fasting from media and only listening to Christian music or having a verse on my arm, I need to surround myself with Godly things or else I’ll be tempted by ALL THE FAMILIAR THINGS IN MY HOUSE to be familiar NJ Doris that has been living in this house alone for 9 years.

Prayer Request: If you’ve read through this I think I still need prayer from my community of brothers and sisters whoever you may be, pray for God’s protection over my heart, that this familiar house wouldn’t bring back familiar me and that I would focus on my faith that God has made me new.

Father God, what a turn of events you have given me by placing me back in the home before you saved me. It’s going to be hard I know, but I know that with you, the victory is already claimed so Jesus I pray that you would keep my hopes up and that your spirit would not only affect me but my family. I am not following you for my family God, I’m following you for us. Knowing that your glory and your joy is the light in my heart that brings me back to you and your love. God I pray keep me safe, protect me and my family from lies of this earth and tender our hearts for one another. Father help me to see your presence in all things that happen in this house knowing that you sovereign. I love you God, In Jesus name, Amen.

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Current Life Update

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So it’s been 4 months since I’ve graduated and I’m still at home not working but serving the college ministry and tending to my family’s need. No matter how embarrassing it may sound to some people, I’m updating so I can do something about it and really try and motivate myself to move and get things going. I’ve think I’ve over welcomed my leisurely stay at home and spend way to long munching on food while watching tv shows and making excuses to spend time with my siblings.

So this month is dedicated to me working on the things I have to get done to get things going. I’ve been saying I’ll start up August, then September and September literally just flew by and I really want to find a job before the year is up so that I may be able to encounter new things God has in store for me in the industry.

Father God, my heart is so big for you kingdom and just serving in the ministry and being inactive in this gift that you gave me to create, Lord let me not be afraid and walk as a warrior to face the contradictions in the culture of this industry and do works to be able to give back to the church and your people. Father I pray for a heart in me that is motivated and I need you back to be my coach pushing me through not only my spiritual life but blessings that you’ve given me on earth. Fill me with your spirit of Power and Self-Control and all things love to always fuel me. I love you God, we can do this! In Jesus name, Amen.

For those reading, please pray for my motivation as well! Thank you!