Author: DL

Dusty Rock Tower

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

So one thing I held onto since I was little was Fame.
I wanted to be a famous violinist, then a famous singer, famous actor, famous fashion designer, and even in small places like my christian community, I wanted fame. I wanted people to see me and say, “there goes Doris, so cool with life and God.” So when I realized on my way back from OTR (explained in Post-OTR) that I wanted all Glory, even God’s Glory to go to me, I ended up basking in shame. How could I use God like that.

This past Sunday service (which was also TRPC’s 20th Anniversary whoo! praise the lord!) one of the encouragements was that God will shake the heaven and earth to clean off that are not part of His Kingdom; everything that’s not, will crumble. And I guess this encouragement kinda spoke to me in a different way.
During Worship I saw this tower made out of fuzzy, gray, dust-like stone and God shook it and in the center was one rock, colorful, filled with God’s spirit. I just kept shaking my hands asking God to shake off those dusty gray rock, that he would rid of all things that were not for his Glory and that every rock that would make up who I am be colorful and filled with his spirit so that the tower may rise with and for his Glory.

God, I pray for every person in my church, for my brothers and sisters all over the world, and for me, that you would send a shaking, so that we may be able to see what we’re building our towers with. May we realized and be able to see that only your rock filled with your spirit will stand, be made strong, and will be filled with Glory. That we may realize our tower is not our own and can only last with your Power. My everlasting God, let us not seek after temporary things but your eternal love and glory. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever (Matthew 6:13). Amen.

Social Media and God

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So here’s my opinion, or the way I think when it comes to social media and God.

I see a lot of people sharing the Gospel, quoting the Bible, and really loving God through social media and its not being ashamed but I guess I’m just not like that because I can’t. Maybe it’s because until recently social media was used to Glorify me, my name. I mean Instagram, Twitter – FOLLOW ME and you don’t even care if you don’t know the person, it’s just about the numbers of how others sees your page. And even FB now has so many friends that you wanted to keep connected with but are not really close to and your is still trying to be like, “hey I’m still that cool person you met at that one hangout.” So because of this distance of we’re connected but not really, I’ve been having a hard time trying to use it to Glorify God’s name. So many times I’ve felt reluctant to post something serious because of the “judgement” I think I would face.
I recently posted on FB a confession on my state of … I guess spiritual thinking.

Confession: (So this is something that I’ve been struggling with and I’ve told a few friends but I just want to get it out there for the sake of breathing) I want to stop worrying about how everyone will see me and start relying on how God sees me. Because the only person to satisfy is Him and myself through Him. I don’t want to think before every move, “what is this person going to think of this?” And I’m thinking now, “why limit myself?”. I want to be who I am and not feel like the world’s watching and think it matters, even though they prob don’t because honestly in the end, no one’s watching, no one cares, because they’re worried about their lives. There were so many times this past year where I wanted to post struggles and pains that I was going through but in fear of judgement from people I call “friends”, I just couldn’t. I told myself, “they don’t care” “stop trying to look sad on fb” “stop trying to get sympathy” but I cut out my own worth from myself and the people around me. I tried so hard to make it seem like my life was, “okay” that everything was happy, good, fine because I didn’t want to seem like a failure. I didn’t want to give the 2%ers a chance to say “hahhahhh! she’s going through sh**t”. Because of that pride, I spreaded myself thin to be everything I knew was happy good and fine. Even writing this seems pretty lame in my head …ew Doris you’re 22, what are you doing?” But It really breaks a person when she tries to be something she’s not. I don’t want envy, I don’t need jealousy, I don’t want to live to please other people, but please the God that’s in me without hiding or faking who I am. I’m so filthy yet He somehow still seems to love me. I sometimes feel so torn between who I have to be in fashion and who I have to be in Christ. And with who I was and who I am. I stop who I’ve become or growing into because of the fear that the new me/the changing me will shoo away the people who knew me as something else. And I truly dislike the fact that I’m so easily affected by the people around me. That I’m not true to myself, that I’m not my own rock. I want to love myself for who I am, for what I believe, for all the filthiness that God has cleansed, and for the worth I have in His name.

See even now copying and pasting this on here – WordPress is weird to me. I guess I keep thinking… is this to glorify me or God? But I know God broke a barrier of worth when I clicked post and didn’t keep it to “only me”. Maybe I don’t see that God has provided me with a community to help encourage and support one another… When did I lose trusting in my friends? Or maybe because when other people do it, I see it as them using God’s name to Glorify themselves. I guess another thing is going to down for “Filthy Me” for the sinful way I think. But it’s difficult to differentiate the purpose of posting things whether it’d be me or friends.

…
Through this (just now), God is telling me (the same thing I heard once before) stop trying to wander around and find the sin. Focus on me, my Glory and My love for you, and all will be well *smiley face. And it’s really unprofessional but ‘lol’ to the smiley face because he says it with such simplicity and kindness when I’m scratching head, feeling heartache for answers that I know.
Just Pray.

God, life is so filled with so many distractions. Everything is so ‘beautiful and sensual’ and I can’t help but get distracted. *lol because I really am weak. I can’t commit to things on my own and with your spirit, your presence I can. Maybe too many times I doubt the power in your name. Jesus I call to you now to set a whole new level of thirst in me for you. I want to bask in your goodness, breathe the breath you’ve provided and stop acting so foolish, setting you aside for things of this world that will soon fade. God let me pray with you, spend time with you, on and off social media. Let my worlds be one in you for God you are my core. Let my heart not be hindered from you. Let my soul rest in your name for you are God alone. I want to be able to scream JESUS IS LORD everyday with no fear of how others will see me. Lord guide me as I use social media as a tool for your glory rather than mine and continue to build me into the daughter of Christ you made out to be. Lord you are with me, you give me comfort and I am forever grateful. Thankyou for blessing me with such Joy with my siblings today and I pray that your presence would shine through this day. In Jesus name. Amen.

OBADIAH

~ DL ~ Leave a comment

sidenote: I’ve been recently behind on my reading so one day I just sat down and read all of Amos. Then, in one of the Ami QT’s it said, “A great question to ask while reading any Bible passage is, “What does this reveal about our God?” so I decided to expand or pray on every passage (even if at times it may feel as though nothing was grasps other than the wrath towards the Israelites).

Obadiah v12

12 But do not gloat over the day of your brother
in the day of his misfortune;
do not rejoice over the people of Judah
in the day of their ruin;
do not boast
in the day of distress.
After reading this it kinda stopped me. Church and no church, the community is similar in the fact that people still have flaws and not everyone gets along with everyone. There was a time (not so much anymore that I’m living away from large social settings and the fact that it’s summer break) where I hoped not-the-best for a brother or sister. And this person was someone who looked as if they had it all and got away with it all. In my head, whenever they did an act where I felt was morally wrong, I was like, “God, I know you will judge them, give them a hardship to fix this flaw.” It sounds embarrassing thinking of it now because what do I know. God could have already have been in the process of other things and his timing is better than mine. Anyway, I just couldn’t wait till that moment came where God would reveal their flaw, when they would go through a hard time and realize their failures
Verse 12 reminded me of the envious heart I had. Even when it’s not God and its sin bringing misfortune in their lives, rather than being happy that “my life is better than theirs” and mind speaking, “HA-HHAHH!” I want a heart like God’s, that aches for them to seek God’s word’s and comfort.
Father, we are so unclean with so many flaws. But Lord I pray that you would continue to shape my heart like yours. Knowing that we all have flaws, yet you continue to love us. Thankyou God for sending your son to wipe away our flaws and have us be able to talk to you simply through prayer. Lord, I pray that whenever animosity comes towards another brother, sister, or nonbeliever, that your peace would settle in my heart knowing that you are sovereign. In Jesus name, Amen.

Hosea 1 

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Here, God asks Hosea to marry an unfaithful women and bare children. And on top of that, God gives them (in my opinion) ridiculous and almost humorous names such as “No Mercy” and “Not my people”. And to be honest I’m thinking.. “What is going on.”

To me, being a mom was one of my goals since I was in highschool and I already have planned out my first child’s name and thought about some goals as a parent to raise my kids. But to think about maybe God naming my kids “Not my people”… “No Mercy”, it made me squinge. It really showed me how unwilling I was to go with his plans for my family.

Father God, help to give more of myself to you. My goals, my future, my family. I know that the future you have in store for me is a mega-billion times better than what I think I have in store for myself. Let me be able to rest it all to your hands. In Jesus name, Amen.

Post OTR

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I recently came back from my first missions in Over-the-Rhine Cincinnati, Ohio and to be honest, it was an eye opening trip- but wasn’t life changing. On the ride back I spoke with a brother and he spoke about two things that hit me, lying to myself and materialism. By lying to myself about the emotions that I feel and by putting my securities in titles and things that I own or the characteristics that make up who I am, I was glorifying me and not God. After that realization, I felt Filthy. How could I do this…

God, It makes me upset to think that I had such a main part of the gospel misinterpreted. This whole week I’ve been praying,”and all this is to honor you” but how empty those words were. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way I built myself up to look like a kind person because in reality I’m worthless; guilty of sin and no better than trash yet you seem to still pour out your love over me. Why I asked and you said it was because Jesus has covered over all our sins by taking it on his body to the cross so that you may be able to love. Jesus, How? How could you take such a sin on yourself. How do you even come towards such a filthy sinner like me. How did you come to comfort me when I had this underlying sin within me. Father God, I pray that you would break my walls down, demolish my tower, and rebuild it so that it’s yours, so that so that I may truly understand to take up my cross and follow you. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Needs?

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Today in AMI QT’s, I was asked to question “What is the usual content of my prayer?  Do I tend to avoid the unpleasant topic of sin as I focus on “my needs?”  Do I realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father?”

It’s not that I avoid the topic of sin as I focus on “my needs”, it’s that I question my lack of interest. I question a lot these days on the relationship status and there are times where I think to myself, “Is it wrong for me to want to live a simple life facing the hardships as I go alone?” As of now, life is simple. Wake up, eat, watch netflix, update my portfolio here and there, upload a picture, check social media, eat again, go to taekwondo, hang out with friends, hang out with siblings, help out parents; very summer routined life. I’m not searching for a job yet and I have no fear of not getting one because jobs are out there whether they are corporate or small start-ups. But it gets difficult to try and squeeze in QT’s or praying when everything in life seems to be floating okay. That’s probably where I’m at fault.

Have I lost motivation to do works for God? To pray for the people that have supported me in a time of need?

Sadly the answer to the last question is “no”. I don’t realize that my greatest need is to be in a right relationship with my Father.

Father God, what has happened? Why am I satisfied with this mundane life that’s floating by? Why don’t I feel the importance of you in my life right now? Must I always be in a accountable environment to be able to understand the greatness of your glory? Father forgive me for my failures to see the fault I’m living. Give me a heart that thirst you, a heart that cares the way you see me. Wasn’t it you that I found my security in? Wasn’t it you that helped me through the toughest times and rejoiced with me in the most precious times. Father, I pray that you would ignite a fire in my soul that burns for a passion for your name. Let me not be satisfied in this life, let everyday be filled with motivation to seek your glory, let me experience the first true love I’ve encountered with you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Spiritual Status

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To be honest, living back in New Jersey is hard on my spiritual life because I experienced God’s presence, love, and intimacy in my apartment and being back where my laundry is done, dinner is served, life became a little less heavier. I find myself trying to ignore God, his presence in general and although I know it hurts him to see me turn a blind eye, I end up turning another blind eye to that as well.

But with that said, I’m excited to see how God will sovereign in my NJ home. To my eyes my family seems to be doing okay compared to the years previous but I feel an underlying miscommunication of our love for one another and I hope that while I wrestle with my relationship with God once more, He will open up new doors and tender our hearts for one another.

God. Father. I miss praying to you. I miss the intimate moments we’ve had but why do I feel so distracted? Why do I feel like it’s okay for me to enjoy my worldly surroundings. Father, I pray that not only to be reminded of you but for my heart to quench for you once more. For my heart to seek out your Words and wisdom; everything of who you are. Lord I pray that you would invade this space which will soon be my home once more and make it yours. To have it filled with Your love, Your strength, Your compassion, Your guidance for my family, for my choices and actions. Father fill my room with your Holy Spirit and help me to kindle the fire you provide. Father God I pray for energy to wake up and do your works for your kingdom everyday. Good Shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on. For I am yours and you are mine. Amen. 

Ezekiel 37. Dry Bones

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dafYxu8cQQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dafYxu8cQQ

11Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’12Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. 13And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. 14And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord.”

It’s hard to believe sometimes that the God can rise up an army of dry bones because how? They are just bones; without flesh, all lifeless, and no pulse to make up the characteristics to be “alive”. But here, God puts his spirit within us, gives us life and a home. I guess what’s more hard to believe is that I started off as dry bones before I came to know the Lord.

There I times when I meet people and think to myself, “It’s hopeless. There is no way that God will be able to reach this person because they are so beyond reach of being saved. They are so placed in their ways that there is no possible way to move them; to have them see with a different eye.” But that’s where I’m wrong. God is able to move mountains, split seas, and if it’s in his will, he is able to raise dry bones to life. He is the only one that is able to move that friend, relative, stranger’s heart and open their eyes to see the life that he provides.

Father God, you work so miraculously in so many ways and I read it time and time again. Lord forgive me and my stubbornness with my faith because sometimes its just so hard to believe. But you are beyond sight, you are a spirit that moves in so many unexpected ways. God I pray that I would never give up on the friends and strangers that you have called me to. Lord, let your spirit move and give me courage to not lose hope on what seems hopeless. Let me have faith in who you are and what you do, and that I may trust you that when I face what seems as shortcomings, you have it safe in your hands. Lord thank you for giving hope when all hope is lost. Thank you for being such a generous God and I pray that I would not lose sight of the wonders you can do. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Hand Full of Sand

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Source: http://www.stocksy.com/78778

During sunday service worship, I began to pray about trusting God and as I prayed for his guidance, I also prayed that I wouldn’t try to take matters into my own hands. I then had a vision of hands holding sand and as the hands tried hard to contain each and every grain, it failed to do so as the amount of sand began to slowly trickle away. But below the hands were another pair of hands, and it was the perfect father-like hands that held in every precious grain that fell and more. He spoke. I got you. Even if you try to take matters into your own hands, my hands will be right under yours to catch every grain you drop. It made me realize that whatever comes my way, whether I realize it or not, God will be right there besides me catching the things that my imperfect hands can’t hold.