It is what the title says. Pre-lent season, I had a talk with a good friend of mine and it made me realize how not only did I fall away from loving myself but that the reason for my failures to keep loving myself is that my life has been built on lies. #selfdemotions lol but also #selfhonesty yay? slow clap. *clap… *clap… *clap…

“Being honest and admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing that problem.” – says some cliche proverb.

My problem? – falling short in faith.

And since I was baptized 4 years ago and fully accepted my life was not my own, being reborn into a new life, eternal life, it has been A ROLLER. COASTER. Don’t get me wrong it’s been an amazing, love filled, undeservingly full of grace- 4 years. But I’ve cycled through falling out, not caring, forgetting, disobeying, doubting, hating on my faith time and time again and my recent 4 months have been a struggle to even try and pray because I was just SO tired of trying and falling.

BUT NO MORE! I know 40 days is not enough time but I will dedicate each day to try and a dispel a lie that I live on and pray for God’s grace, truth, and wisdom to cover each.

PLS PRAY 4 MEH.

Jesus. Lol and not God. Just kidding. but Jesus. I want to be a faithful servant because what 4 years of loving you and 23 years of you loving me has taught me is that, there is no greater joy, satisfaction, and peace than living for your kingdom. But #struggles *sigh. #distractions and #people and #peoplewiththings and #peoplethatareliked and I can literally complain forever. *sigh. … but you can literally listen forever and I just want to love on that. Who you are and how you do you is indescribably amazing so I thank you for bringing this moment and this thought to work against the things that are holding me from being max-potential-Doris.

I have no idea what to expect and fear that after these 40 days I’ll fall way as far into doubt, so I fearfully pray for my faith. I pray for our relationship, to be strong and beautiful, that I’d strive for you like I’ve never strived before and to forever guard my foundations in you, to build your kingdom through you, and forever find freedom in your name. Let people call me foolish and let me forever sing praises because this love is like no other and “I’ve tasted and seen.” Tie me close to your heart, your path for me, and forever lift your name high. JESUS.

May I protect this fire by seeking you day by day and listen to the songs you sing and dance around me with your love. My heart is yours and may it be so everyday. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

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lol so I definitely had the intentions to pray for wisdom and truth over these 40 days but … idk haha I couldn’t get off the love wagon. I’m so excited. I pray for this much excitement for the days… 40 DAYS. to come. 🙂

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So actually… started writing out “DAY 1” and realized I just went further into why I started this “Fasting from Lies”
I present to you- the ORIGIN OF 40DOFFL.)

So the origin of this idea started from reading (You Version) Verse of the Day 2 days ago.

1 Corinthians 14:4
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

I read this and said. *wow. I am not patient, not kind. I envy and boast. I am arrogant and rude. I really insist on my way and I am irritable and resentful.

OUCH. BUT HURTS MORE BECAUSE IT’S TRUE. *sigh nasty facts coming out. 
That sentence, I never want to say out loud in front of my friends, because nobody wants to show their ugly side. But the truth is, I’m super insecure and it all leads to me being a very selfish friend and I apologize friends, I had no idea (that my insecurities was dictating the way I perceive myself and others).

I’m actually quite unaware of how I act because I’m so used to speaking whats on my mind, how I feel, chasing the “freedom to be me” and expressing… and it’s a good thing at times but it leads to less thought about what I say and ‘why I say’ than the average cultured human being. And because of this speed cycle of my heart to mouth, it skips past the brain and sometimes, I’m just no good.

So my quest these 40 days is more to chase after honesty, by naming my insecurities and covering it with God’s truth… somehow. *Jesus. Lead the Way!* But really. I have no idea how the next 39 days will play out.

…
Now that I think about it more… it’s more “40 Days of Chasing After Honesty and Healing to Love Myself through God’s Love Over me.” 40DCAH&HLMGLOM.

haha. anywhooo…
yeah but for reals 40 days of not lying to myself, not avoiding my flaws and fears, and really hoping for a loving myself and loving God through all of this.

– DB