It’s silly, but I had a nightmare last night.
And it wasn’t anything horrific or gory like an unconscious haunted mansion, it was my relationships within my church community.

I would say I love people, too much to the point where I put my faith in them, list them down all as friends which ends up with me stupidly getting hurt and I’ve been dealing with not doing that a lot better but things have been happening lately that made me re-question if I was a “liked” member of the community.

So without extending it too long, in my dream, I ran into a group of my close brothers and sisters at a BBQ, and my reaction emotions split into 8 different people of uninvited me. There was a girl crying about how she thought they were their friends, another who didn’t care, a girl who was quietly bitter, a boy that was willing to join them when they recalled, and several others. And I, myself was anger; I woke up wanting to punch something with my fists.

Now I understand that dreams are sometimes dreams but I cried. Because I realized how weak my heart still was for the acceptance of others and maybe it’s even not being able to trust my community because at this more conscious state, I’m able to say that this is all partially true.

But the beauty of God was when I called him in my time of my a little unconscious, dream manifested, crying hurt self, he said, “You are always invited with me.” And how can you not cry to his grace. So I cried some more but with joy that one, God’s love and acceptance is all I really need and two, that I again found so much security in his name and word.

God, maybe I am in a weaker state then I thought I was. I thought I was revamped, high with hope, pushing courage through the worst but lately I’ve been exhausted and maybe because I haven’t been spending time with you. “Just maybe” lol. But… Thank You for loving me so much, wanting to invite me by sending your son Jesus. I don’t know why I keep falling down so easily, wait no I do know haha because I’m weak but I keep falling down but so graciously you pull me back up to my feet and you carry me through big and little storms such as this and keep me so close to your heart refilling me to make me whole over and over again. Thank you for just being you in all that you are and beyond all I could imagine. I love you. Very very very matcha 🙂 In Jesus name, Amen.