This weekend was extra long.

It started with leaving NJ Wednesday night for a sister’s surprise birthday, staying over at another sister’s place, family group Thursday night, retreat from Friday till Sunday, and also helped by driving worship equipment to and from retreat, but overall was really blessing.

Relationship in Christ

I walked into the retreat with the intention of spending a good time worshipping and thanking God for all he’s done. When it came to the last night during prayer, I didn’t know exactly what to pray because everything was going so well and I knew there were small things that could be fixed here and there but didn’t know where to start. So I went up to receive prayer from Pastor Chris from GCC and the first thing he said was that he saw suspicious eyes. Then he furthered into his prayer by saying that I needed healing from people and that he hopes that I would see that God’s compassion flows through people. He thanked God for my heart that wants his glory and me having a bigger heart for God and closed.

First, I think it’s so interesting that through prayer, the person praying for you sometimes know whether or not you are in a good state or bad state in faith with God. You’d think that automatically, Christians would pray over the bad and hurt in their lives thinking they need help over faith but I post this prayer not to raise my glory or show off how good I’m doing in faith but to reveal how awesome it is that God’s spirit knows and speaks truth.

But back to the first portion of the prayer, when he said suspicious eyes, it struck me. Although I feel stable in faith, I realized I see my community fearfully as judgemental people. I have suspicious eyes that they have suspicious eyes about me, and I think it goes back to my first church experience in high school where I felt judged by the girls which is also probably the reason why my natural instinct is to get along with guys. I really want to develop a deeper connection with my sisters and be able to trust them more freely without the feeling that fear of judgement. 

Speaking of guys, or “brothers”, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. I was nervous entering retreat thinking I’d be too hyped on people in general that I’d lose focus on being there for God. It was a blessing to be driving to the retreat with my sister Shawna who inspired me to find a guy that would have me not find comfort in him (who would eventually fail) but in God who would never fail. But with the fact that I feel that I’ve invested my time more on brothers than sisters, I realized how it wasn’t helping with developing my sisterhood. So by the end of retreat, I felt assured that one day it’ll come to a time where a man will step up to make a covenant with me, but until then I should focus on preparing myself to know myself, who I am with God, so that when the time comes, I can also lead my husband to God before me.

God thank you for this retreat and I think I felt lethargic towards finding you yesterday because I fell into the sadness of reality and not being able to spend time with only you and your people. But I thank you for speaking truth through Pastor Chris and Shawna about my relationships with my brothers and sisters. I pray for a heart that trust in my sisters and seeks a deeper connection while we encourage each other. I pray that my heart would seek you first but also encourage brothers to be men of God so that one day they may be able to comfort a sister to you in the future. I pray for strength and motivation this week for my brothers and sisters and Remnant Church as we proactively seek to be whole in you. In Jesus name, Amen.